ericlustbader.the ninja-第60部分

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　fortable。　He　felt　her　bare　flesh　against　his。　'It　was　the　only　place　I　could　call　my　own。　My　secret　place。　I　had　sex　there　for　the　first　time。'　He　felt　the　musculature　of　her　body　beginning　to　tremble　as　if　she　were　cold。　'I　brought　a　boy　there。　He　lived　on　a　near…by　farm。　It　was　his　first　time；　too；　I　think。　He'd　only　seen　the　cattle　do　it　and　he　wasn't　very　good。　He　was　so　nervous；　wanting　to　do　it　the　way　he'd　seen　the　horses　performing。　He　was　so　excited；　he　went　all　over　my　thigh。'
　'In　the　West；'　Nicholas　said；　'they　say；　〃I'm　ing。〃　Here；　we　say；　〃I'm　going。〃　There's　a　plete　reversal。'
　'With　death；　too；〃　she　whispered；　'I've　heard　it　said。　Westerners　don't　understand　seppuku；　do　they？　They'll　turn　outwards；　instead　of　inwards；　jump　off　a　building　…'
　'Or　blow　some　poor　bastard's　head　off　before　they　turn　the　gun　on　themselves。〃
　'Odd；　isn't　it？'　She　giggled。　'Perhaps　they're　barbarians；　after　all。'　But　she　shivered　none　the　less。
　'Don't　let's　talk　of　death；'　he　said；　holding　her。
　'No；'　she　whispered。　'We　won't。'　She　reached　between　his　thighs；　caught　gently　hold　of　him；　stroking。
　'Is　that　all　you　can　think　of？'　he　said　thickly。
　'It's　all　I　have；'　she　said　in　a　moan。
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　Fourth　Ring
　THE　FIRE　BOOK
　I
　West　Bay　Bridge/New　York　City；　Summer　Present
　'No；　no；　no；　no　I'　she　said；　laughing。　'Let's　forget　all　about　it。'
　She　ran　at　him　instead　of　away　from　him　as　she　had　been　doing。　She　leaped　in　a　shallow　dive；　skidding　across　the　top　of　a　sand　dune；　wrapped　her　arms　about　his　ankles；　bringing　him　down。
　Justine　laughed　again；　half　atop　him。　Nicholas　spat　sand　out　of　his　mouth；　rolled　over　on　his　back。
　'Very　funny！〃
　She　jumped　on　him；　on　all　fours；　and　they　spun　about　on　the　dark　sand。　A　cool　breeze　came　in　off　the　sea；　ruffling　their　hair。　The　porch　lights　from　the　house　were　diffused　by　the　ground　mist；　haloed；　forting。
　Her　face　was　very　close　to　his；　her　eyes　wide。　He　could　see　the　red　motes　as　they　caught　the　light。　Her　long　hair　was　like　a　bridge　between　them。　Her　long　delicate　fingers　were　on　his　cheeks。　They　had　the　firmness；　the　lightness　of　touch　of　a　sculptor's　hands。　'I　don't　want　to　be　sad；　Nicholas；'　she　said　softly。
　He　kissed　her　lightly。
　'I'm　here。'
　'I　know　you　are。'
　'It's　a　big　thing　for　me　to　say。　And　mean。'　She　was　totally　serious　now；　the　playful　mood　had　slipped　away。　'I　had　a　lot　of　time　to　think　about　。。。　things。'
　'You　mean　in　bed。'
　She　shook　her　head。　'No。　In　the　water。　It　wasn't　my　life　that　flashed　before　me。'　She　laughed　but　it　was　a　rueful　sound。　'There　was　one　time　when　I　didn't　think　I　was　going　to　e　back　up。　I　had　been　fantasizing　about　you　while　I　was　swimming。　You　know；　a　harmless　kind　of　thing。'　Her　eyes　were　almost　out　of　focus；　she　was　so　close　to　him。　'That's　not　what　I　thought　about　when　I　was　under。　I　thought　about　what　it　would　be　like　never　to　see　you　again。'　Her　voice　was
　so　soft　now　that；　despite　her　nearness；　he　could　barely　make　out　what　she　was　saying。　She　swallowed　hard　as　if　the　words　were　sticking　in　her　throat。　'I'm　frightened。　Frightened　of　what　I'm　telling　you。　It's　one　thing　to　admit　to　the　feeling；　quite　another　to　voice　it；　you　know？'　She　gave　him　a　long；　hard　stare。　'I　love　you；〃　she　said。　'I　can't　think　of　anything　else　when　I'm　near　you。　I　usually　like　to　go　certain　places；　be　with　specific　people；　but　I　don't　care　about　any　of　that　when　I'm　with　you。　I　know　that　sounds　juvenile　and　romantic　but　…'
　He　laughed。　'Romantic；　yes。　Juvenile；　no。　And　anyway；　what's　so　terrible　about　being　a　romantic？　I　am。　Maybe　there　aren't　many　of　us　left；　though。'
　Her　eyes　were　clear　and　searching。〃'Do　you　love　me；　Nick？　I　want　you　to　be　honest。　It's　all　right　if　you　don't。　I　just　need　to　know　the　truth。'
　He　did　not　know　what　to　say。　His　mind　was　alight　with　memories　both　pleasurable　and　painful　and　he　knew　then　that　Yukio　was　still　not　gone　from　him。　He　felt　like　a　salmon　struggling　upstream；　fiercely　fighting　the　current。　But　he　was　no　fish　and　he　wondered　why　he　was　doing　it。　What　was　he　fighting；　anyway？　And　what　made　it　so　important？
　He　felt　that　he　had　the　answers　to　those　questions　inside　him　if　only　he　could　pin　them　down。　He　still　stung　from　the　jibe　Croaker　had　given　him　in　the　restaurant　and　he　was　angry　at　himself　that　it　had　affected　him　so。　What　if　Croaker　had　been　right？　How　deeply　had　he　been　affected　by　Terry's　and　Ei's　deaths？　Surely　he　felt　something。　He　must。　He　was　no　machine。　But　he　could　summon　no　tears。　Perhaps　there　were　other　ways　to　grieve；　he　knew　he　was　like　his　mother　in　that　respect。　He　was　far　too　controlled　to　allow　certain　emotions　to　surface。　But　with　that　he　was　denying　a　part　of　himself　and　that　could　prove　to　be　disastrous。　Without　full　understanding　of　himself；　he　could　control　no　situation。　He　could　be　champion　of　nothing；　not　the　light；　nor　the　dark　that　thought　made　him　jump　as　if　someone　had　pricked　him。　An　idea　rippled　like　a　banner　at　the　edge　of　his　consciousness。。。
　'What　are　you　thinking？'
　His　eyes　focused　to　see　her。　There　was　concern　on　her　face。　'You　shouldn't　make　sacrifices；'　he　said。　'Not　for　me；　not　for　anybody。　It　can　be　dangerous。'
　'Damn　it　I　I'm　not　making　sacrifices。　Not　any　more。　I'm　through　with　all　that。　I　won't　give　anything　up　for　you。　Not　until　I'm　quite　certain　it's　what　7　want。'　Her　eyes　glittered；　fine　pinpoints　of　energy　in　the　darkness。　'Is　it　so　awful　that　you　satisfy　me？　That　I'm　content　with　that？　Does　part　of　you　rebel　against　that　notion？'
　She　had　cut　him　to　the　quick　without　realizing　it。　'Christ；　what　made　you　say　that？'　He　sat　up；　feeling　his　heart　hammering。
　'Because　it's　true？'　She　tried　to　look　in　his　eyes。　'I　don't　know。　But　I　do　know　how　your　body　reacts　to　mine。　That's　munication　on　the　most　basic　level；　the　way　it　was　done　a　million　years　ago　before　there　were　books　to　talk　about　or　films　or　plays；　any　entertainment。　When　people　just　had　each　other。　I　want　to　know　why　you　reject　that　out　of　hand。　Don't　you　trust　your　body　to　tell　you　what's　right？　It　knows　better　than　your　mind　what's　good　for　you。'　She　laughed。　'I　can't　believe　it。　You　of　all　people。　You've　been　working　with　your　body　all　your　life　and　still　you　don't　trust　it。〃
　'You　don't　know　anything　about　it；'　he　said　shortly。
　'Oh；　I　don't？'　She　sat　up。　'Then　you　tell　me。　Explain　it　to　me　simply　so　my　poor　female　brain　can　understand。'
　'Don't　be　childish。'
　'It　isn't　me　who's　being　childish；　Nick。　Just　listen　to　yourself。　You're　terrified　of　revealing　anything　of　yourself　to　someone。'
　'Didn't　you　ever　think　there's　a　good　reason　for　that？'
　'Oh　yes。　That's　why　I'm　asking　you　what　it　is。'
　'Maybe　it's　none　of　your　business。'
　'Right。　All　right；'　she　flared。　'I　can　see　how　far　I'm　going　to　get　with　you。'
　'Nowhere；　Justine。　You　don't　own　me。'
　'This　is　what　I　get　for　being　honest　with　you。'
　'You　want　honesty？'　Knew　he　shouldn't　do　it　and　didn't　care。　'I　met　your　father　in　the　city　today。'
　Her　head　came　up。　She　looked　incredulous。　'You　met　my　father？　How？'
　'He　picked　me　up　in　his　limo　outside　the　station。　I　got　the　first…class　treatment。〃
　She　stood　up。　'I　don't　want　to　hear　about　this。'　Her　voice　was　abruptly　harsh。　She　remembered　San　Francisco　all　too　clearly。　Rage　built　up　inside　her。　She　felt　impotent　against　him。　Always　had。　Always。
　'I　think　you　should；'　he　said　cruelly。　Some　part　of　him　egged　him　on；　reveling　in　the　pained　expression　on　her　face。
　'No！'　she　cried；　putting　her　palms　against　her　ears。　She　wheeled　away　from　him。　。
　He　got　up　and　went　after　her；　across　the　cool　sand。　'He　wanted　to　know　all　about　us。　He　knows　all　about　you。　What　you've　been　doing。　What　you　haven't。'
　'God　damn　him！'　She　slipped　at　the　crest　of　a　dune；　pulled　herself　up；　whirled　on　him。　Her　eyes　were　feral　sparks；　as　large　as　beacons。　She　was　white　with　rage。
　'Christ　but　you're　both　bastards！　Him　for　doing　it　and　you　for　telling　me。　You're　a　real　sonovabitch；　you　know　that？'
　All　he　could　think　of　was　pushing　her　away　now。　'He　thought　I　might　be　another　one　like　Chris　…'
　'Shut　up！　Shut　up；　you　cocksucker！'
　But　he　pursued　her　relentlessly。　'He　offered　me　a　job；　and　you　know；　the　joke　of　it　is　I　took　it。　I'm　working　for　him　now。'
　'How　could　you　do　this　to　me？'　she　cried。　She　wasn't　talking　about　the　job。　'My　God！　My　God！'　Weeping；　she　hurled　herself　from　him　and；　stumbling　up　the　sandy　steps　to　her　house；　she　disappeared　from　his　view。
　Nicholas　broke　down　and　cried；　falling　to　his　knees　in　the　unforgiving　sand。
　'He　will　soon　be　here；'　said　Ah　Ma。　'Is　everything　in　readiness？'
　'Yes；　Mother；'　Penny　said　from　her　spot　at　Ah　Ma's　feet。　'Flower　has　just　returned　with　the　last　of　the　。。。　ah；　items。'　Penny's　perfect；　white　face　bent　over　a　leather…bound　ledger　book　in　which　she　was　writing　Chinese　characters　in　vertical　lines。　She　used　a　thin　brush　which　she　dipped　periodically　in
　an　open　bottle　of　Higgins　ink。　Her　movements　were　deft　and　sure。
　She　considered　her　mistress's　silence；　then　made　a　decision。　'Do　you　think　we　should　be　letting　this　man　in　here？'　She　kept　her　eyes　on　her　writing　and；　for　just　an　instant；　felt　her　heart　contract　coldly　in　her　chest　at　the　thought　of　Ah　Ma's　possible　outburst。
　A