rz.signoftheunicorn-第30部分

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　accordingly。　While　solipsism　does　tend　to　leave　one　slightly　embarrassed　on　questions　of　etiology；　one　can　easily　avoid　the　embarrassment　by　refusing　to　admit　the　validity　of　the　questions。　Most　of　us　are；　as　I　have　often　observed；　almost　entirely　pragmatic　in　the　conduct　of　our　affairs。　Almost。。。
　Yet　…　yet　there　is　a　disturbing　element　in　the　picture。　There　is　a　place　where　the　shadows　go　mad。。。　When　you　purposely　push　yourself　through　layer　after　layer　of　Shadow；　surrendering　…　again；　purposely　…　a　piece　of　your　understanding　every　step　of　the　way；　you　e　at　last　to　a　mad　place　beyond　which　you　cannot　go。　Why　do　this？　In　hope　of　an　insight。　I'd　say；　or　a　new　game。。。　But　when　you　e　to　this　place；　as　we　all　have；　you　realize　that　you　have　reached　the　limit　of　Shadow　or　the　end　of　yourself　…　synonymous　terms；　as　we　had　always　thought。　Now；　though。。。
　Now　I　know　that　it　is　not　so；　now　as　I　stand；　waiting；　without　the　Courts　of　Chaos；　telling　you　what　it　was　like；　I　know　that　it　is　not　so。　But　I　knew　well　enough　then；　that　night；　in　Tir…na　Nog'th；　had　known　earlier；　when　I　had　fought　the　goat…man　in　the　Black　Circle　of　Lorraine；　had　known　that　day　in　the　Lighthouse　of　Cabra；　after　my　escape　from　the　dungeons　of　Amber；　when　I　had　looked　upon　ruined　Garnath。。。　I　knew　that　that　was　not　all　there　was　to　it。　I　knew　because　I　knew　that　the　black　road　ran　beyond　that　point。　It　passed　through　madness　into　chaos　and　kept　going；　the　things　that　traveled　across　it　came　from　somewhere；　but　they　were　not　my　things。　I　had　somehow　helped　to　grant　them　this　passage；　but　they　did　not　spring　from　my　version　of　reality。　They　were　their　own；　or　someone　else's　…　small　matter　there　…　and　they　tore　holes　in　that　small　metaphysic　we　had　woven　over　the　ages。　They　had　entered　our　preserve；　they　were　not　of　it；　they　threatened　it；　they　threatened　us。　Fiona　and　Brand　had　reached　beyond　everything　and　found　something；　where　none　of　the　rest　of　us　had　believed　anything　to　exist。　The　danger　released　was；　on　some　level；　almost　worth　the　evidence　obtained：　we　were　not　alone；　nor　were　shadows　truly　our　toys。　Whatever　our　relationship　with　Shadow；　I　could　nevermore　regard　it　in　the　old　light。。。
　All　because　the　black　road　headed　south　and　ran　beyond　the　end　of　the　world；　where　I　stop。
　Silence　and　silver。。。　Walking　away　from　the　rail；　leaning　on　my　stick；　passing　through　the　fog…spun；　mist…woven；　moonlight…brushed　fabric　of　vision　within　the　troubling　city。。。　Ghosts。。。　Shadows　of　shadows。。。　Images　of　probability。。。　Might…bes　and　might…have…beens。。。　Probability　lost。。。　Probability　regained。。。
　Walking；　across　the　promenade　now。。。　Figures；　faces；　many　of　them　familiar。。。　What　are　they　about？　Hard　to　say。。。　Some　lips　move；　some　faces　show　animation。　There　are　no　words　there　for　me。　I　pass　among　them；　unnoted。
　There。。。　One　such　figure。。。　Alone；　but　waiting。。。　Fingers　unknotting　minutes；　casting　them　away。。。　Face　averted；　and　I　wish　to　see　it。。。　A　sign　that　I　will　or　should。。。　She　sits　on　a　stone　bench　beneath　a　gnarly　tree。。。　She　gazes　in　the　direction　of　the　palace。。。　Her　form　is　quite　familiar。。。　Approaching；　I　see　that　it　is　Lorraine。。。　She　continues　to　regard　a　point　far　beyond　me；　does　not　hear　me　say　that　I　have　avenged　her　death。
　But　mine　is　the　power　to　be　heard　here。。。　It　hangs　in　the　sheath　at　my　side。
　Drawing　Grayswandir；　I　raise　my　blade　overhead　where　moonlight　tricks　its　patterns　into　a　kind　of　motion。　I　place　it　on　the　ground　between　us。
　〃Corwin！〃
　Her　head　snaps　back；　her　hair　rusts　in　the　moonlight；　her　eyes　focus。
　〃Where　did　you　e　from？　You're　early。〃
　〃You　wait　for　me？〃
　〃Of　course。　You　told　me　to　…　〃
　〃How　did　you　e　to　this　place？〃
　〃This　bench。。。？〃
　〃No。　This　city。〃
　〃Amber？　I　do　not　understand。　You　brought　me　yourself。　I　…〃
　〃Are　you　happy　here？〃
　〃You　know　that　I　am；　so　long　as　I　am　with　you。〃
　I　had　not　forgotten　the　evenness　of　her　teeth；　the　hint　of　freckles　beneath　the　soft　light's　veil。。。
　〃What　happened？　It　is　very　important。　Pretend　for　a　moment　that　I　do　not　know；　and　tell　me　everything　that　happened　to　us　after　the　battle　of　the　Black　Circle　in　Lorraine。〃
　She　frowned。　She　stood。　She　turned　away。
　〃We　had　that　argument；〃　she　said。　〃You　followed　me；　drove　away　Melkin；　and　we　talked。　I　saw　that　I　was　wrong　and　I　went　with　you　to　Avalon。　There；　your　brother　Benedict　persuaded　you　to　talk　with　Eric。　You　were　not　reconciled；　but　you　agreed　to　a　truce　because　of　something　that　he　told　you。　He　swore　not　to　harm　you　and　you　swore　to　defend　Amber；　with　Benedict　to　witness　both　oaths。　We　remained　in　Avalon　while　you　obtained　chemicals；　and　we　went　to　another　place　later；　a　place　where　you　purchased　strange　weapons。　We　won　the　battle；　but　Eric　lies　wounded　now。〃　She　stood　and　faced　me。　〃Are　you　thinking　of　ending　the　truce？　Is　that　it；　Corwin？〃
　I　shook　my　head；　and　though　I　knew　better　I　reached　to　embrace　her。　I　wanted　to　hold　her；　despite　the　fact　that　one　of　us　did　not　exist；　could　not　exist；　when　that　tiny　gap　of　space　between　our　skins　was　crossed；　to　tell　her　that　whatever　bad　happened　or　would　happen　…
　The　shock　was　not　severe；　but　it　caused　me　to　stumble。　I　lay　across　Grayswandir。。。　My　staff　had　fallen　to　the　grass　several　paces　away。　Rising　to　my　knees；　I　saw　that　the　color　had　gone　out　of　her　face；　her　eyes；　her　hair。　Her　mouth　shaped　ghost　words　as　her　head　turned；　searching。　Sheathing　Grayswandir；　recovering　my　staff；　I　rose　once　again。　Her　seeing　passed　through　me　and　focused。　Her　face　grew　smooth；　she　smiled；　started　forward。　I　moved　aside　and　turned；　watching　her　run　toward　the　man　who　approached；　seeing　her　clasped　in　his　arms；　glimpsing　his　face　as　he　bent　it　toward　her　own；　lucky　ghost；　silver　rose　at　the　throat　of　his　garment；　kissing　her；　this　man　I　would　never　know；　silver　on　silence；　and　silver。。。
　Walking　away。。。　Not　looking　back。。。　Crossing　the　promenade。。。
　The　voice　of　Random：　〃Corwin；　are　you　all　right？〃
　〃Yes。〃
　〃Anything　interesting　happening？〃
　〃Later；　Random。〃
　〃Sorry。〃
　And　sudden；　the　gleaming　stair　before　the　palace　grounds。。。　Up　it；　and　a　turn　to　the　right。。。　Slow　and　easy　now；　into　the　garden。。。　Ghost　flowers　throb　on　their　stalks　all　about　me；　ghost　shrubs　spill　blossoms　like　frozen　firework　displays。　Sans　colors；　all。。。　Only　the　essentials　sketched　in；　degrees　of　luminosity　in　silver　the　terms　of　their　claim　on　the　eye。　Only　the　essentials　here。　Is　Tir…na　Nog'th　a　special　sphere　of　Shadow　in　the　real　world；　swayed　by　the　promptings　of　the　id　…　a　full…sized　projective　test　in　the　sky；　perhaps　even　a　therapeutic　device？　Despite　the　silver。　I'd　say；　if　this　is　a　piece　of　the　soul；　the　night　is　very　dark。。。　And　silent。。。
　Walking。。。　By　fountains；　benches；　groves；　cunning　alcoves　in　mazes　of　hedging。。。　Passing　along　the　walks；　up　an　occasional　step；　across　small　bridges。。。　Moving　past　ponds；　among　trees；　by　an　odd　piece　of　statuary；　a　boulder；　a　sundial　（moondial；　here？）；　bearing　to　my　right；　pressing　steadily　ahead；　rounding；　after　a　time；　the　northern　end　of　the　palace；　swinging　left　then；　past　a　courtyard　overhung　by　balconies；　more　ghosts　here　and　there　upon　them；　behind　them；　within。。。
　Circling　around　to　the　rear；　just　to　see　the　back　gardens　this　way；　again；　for　they　are　lovely　by　normal　moonlight　in　the　true　Amber。
　A　few　more　figures；　talking；　standing。。。　No　motion　but　my　own　is　apparent。
　。。。　And　feel　myself　drawn　to　the　right。　As　one　should　never　turn　down　a　free　oracle；　I　go。
　。。。　Toward　a　mass　of　high　hedging；　a　small　open　area　within；　if　it　is　not　overgrown。。。　Long　ago　there　was。。。
　Two　figures；　embracing；　within。　They　part　as　I　begin　to　turn　away。　None　of　my　affair；　but。。。　Deirdre。。。　One　of　them　is　Deirdre。　I　know　who　the　man　will　be　before　he　turns。　It　is　a　cruel　joke　by　whatever　powers　rule　that　silver；　that　silence。。。　Back；　back；　away　from　that　hedge。。。　Turning；　stumbling；　rising　again；　going；　away；　now；　quickly。。。
　The　voice　of　Random：　〃Corwin？　Are　you　all　right？〃
　〃Later！　Damn　it！　Later！〃
　〃It　is　not　too　long　till　sunrise；　Corwin。　I　felt　I　had　better　remind　you　…〃
　〃Consider　me　reminded！〃
　Away；　now；　quickly。。。　Time；　too；　is　a　dream　in　Tir…na　Nog'th。　Small　fort；　but　better　than　none。　Quickly；　now；　away；　going；　again。。。
　。。。　Toward　the　palace；　bright　architecture　of　the　mind　or　spirit；　more　clearly　standing　now　than　the　real　ever　did。。。　To　judge　perfection　is　to　render　a　worthless　verdict；　but　I　must　see　what　lies　within。。。　This　must　be　an　end　of　sorts；　for　I　am　driven。　I　had　not　paused　to　recover　my　staff　from　where　it　had　fallen　this　time；　among　the　sparkling　grasses。　I　know　where　I　must　go；　what　I　must　do。　Obvious　now；　though　the　logic　which　has　seized　me　is　not　that　of　the　waking　mind。
　Hurrying；　climbing；　up　to　the　rearward　portal。。。　The　side…biting　soreness　es　home　again。。。　Across　the　threshold；　in。。。
　Into　an　absence　of　starshine　and　moonlight。　The　illumination　is　without　direction；　seeming　almost　to　drift　and　to　pool；　aimlessly。　Wherever　it　misses；　the　shadows　are　absolute；　occulting　large　sections　of　room；　hallway；　closet；　and　stair。
　Among　them；　through　them；　almost　running　now。。。　Monochrome　of　my　home。。。　Apprehension　overtakes　me。。。　The　black　spots　seem　like　holes　in　this　piece　of　reality　now。。。　I