sk.petsematary-第52部分

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　　〃Rachel；　I'm　sorry；〃　he　said。　〃I'd　give　anything　in　the　world　to　take　that　back。〃
　　〃It's　all　right；〃　she　said　in　a　strange；　flat　voice　and　then　rolled　over　on　her　side；　turning　away　from　him。
　　He　heard　the　tired　old　question　Are　you　all　right？　rising　to　his　lips　and　pushed　it　back。　It　wasn't　a　true　question；　it　wasn't　what　he　really　wanted　to　know。
　　〃How　bad　are　you？〃　he　asked　finally。
　　〃Pretty　bad；　Louis；〃　she　said　and　then　uttered　a　sound　that　could　have　been　a　laugh。　〃I　am　terrible；　in　fact。〃
　　Something　more　seemed　required；　but　Louis　could　not　supply　it。　He　felt　suddenly　resentful　of　her；　of　Steve　Masterton；　of　Missy　Dandridge　and　her　husband　with　his　arrowhead…shaped　adam's　apple；　of　the　whole　damned　crew。　Why　should　he　have　to　be　the　eternal　supplier？　What　sort　of　shit　was　that？
　　He　turned　off　the　light　and　left。　He　found　that　he　could　not　give　much　more　to　his　daughter。
　　For　one　wild　moment；　regarding　her　in　her　shadowy　room；　he　thought　she　was　Gage…the　thought　came　to　him　that　the　whole　thing　had　been　a　hideous　nightmare；　like　his　dream　of　Pascow　leading　him　into　the　woods；　and　for　a　moment　his　tired　mind　grasped　at　it。　The　shadows　helped…there　was　only　the　shifting　light　of　the　portable　TV　that　Jud　had　taken　up　for　her　to　pass　the　hours。　The　long；　long　hours。
　　But　it　wasn't　Gage；　of　course；　it　was　Ellie；　who　was　now　not　only　grasping　the　picture　in　which　she　was　pulling　Gage　on　the　sled；　but　sitting　in　Cage's　chair。　She　had　taken　it　out　of　his　room　and　brought　it　into　hers。　It　was　a　small　director's　chair　with　a　canvas　seat　and　a　canvas　strip　across　the　back。　Stenciled　across　that　strip　was　GAGE。　Rachel　had　mail…ordered　four　of　these　chairs。　Each　member　of　the　family　had　one　with　his　or　her　name　stenciled　on　the　back。
　　Ellie　was　too　big　for　Gage's　chair。　She　was　crammed　into　it；　and　the　canvas　bottom　bulged　downward　dangerously。　She　held　the　Polaroid　picture　to　her　chest　and　stared　at　the　TV；　where　some　movie　was　showing。
　　〃Ellie；〃　he　said；　snapping　off　the　TV；　〃bedtime。〃
　　She　worked　her　way　out　of　the　chair；　then　folded　it　up。　She　apparently　meant　to　take　the　chair　into　bed　with　her。
　　Louis　hesitated；　wanting　to　say　something　about　the　chair；　and　finally　settled　on；　〃Do　you　want　me　to　tuck　you　in？〃
　　〃Yes；　please；〃　she　said。
　　〃Do　you。　。　。　would　you　want　to　sleep　with　Mommy　tonight？〃
　　〃No；　thanks。〃
　　〃You　sure？〃
　　She　smiled　a　little。　〃Yes。　She　steals　the　covers。〃
　　Louis　smiled　back。　〃e　on　then。〃
　　Instead　of　trying　to　put　the　chair　in　bed　with　her；　Ellie　unfolded　it　by　the　head　of　the　bed；　and　an　absurd　image　came　to　Louis…here　was　the　consulting　room　of　the　world's　smallest　psychiatrist。
　　She　undressed；　putting　the　picture　of　her　and　Gage　on　her　pillow　to　do　it。　She　put　on　her　baby　doll　pajamas；　picked　up　the　picture；　went　into　the　bathroom；　put　it　down　to　wash　up；　brush；　floss；　and　to　take　her　fluoride　tablet。　Then　she　picked　it　up　again　and　got　into　bed　with　it。
　　Louis　sat　down　beside　her　and　said；　〃I　want　you　to　know；　Ellie；　that　if　we　keep　on　loving　each　other；　we　can　get　through　this。〃
　　Each　word　was　like　moving　a　handcar　loaded　with　wet　bales；　and　the　total　effort　left　Louis　feeling　exhausted。
　　〃I'm　going　to　wish　really　hard；〃　Ellie　said　calmly；　〃and　pray　to　God　for　Gage　to　e　back。〃
　　〃Ellie…〃
　　〃God　can　take　it　back　if　He　wants　to；〃　Ellie　said。　〃He　can　do　anything　He　wants　to。〃
　　〃Ellie；　God　doesn't　do　things　like　that；〃　Louis　said　uneasily；　and　in　his　mind's　eye　he　saw　Church　squatting　on　the　closed　lid　of　the　toilet；　staring　at　him　with　those　muddy　eyes　as　Louis　lay　in　the　tub。
　　〃He　does　so；〃　she　said。　〃In　Sunday　School　the　teacher　told　us　about　this　guy　Lazarus。　He　was　dead；　and　Jesus　brought　him　back　to　life。　He　said　'Lazarus；　e　forth；'　and　the　teacher　said　if　he'd　just　said　'e　forth；'　probably　everybody　in　that　graveyard　would　have　e　out；　and　Jesus　only　wanted　Lazarus。〃
　　An　absurdity　popped　out　of　his　mouth　（but　the　day　had　sung　and　gibbered　with　absurdity）：　〃That　was　a　long　time　ago；　Ellie。〃
　　〃I'm　going　to　keep　things　ready　for　him；〃　she　said。　〃I've　got　his　picture；　and　I'm　going　to　sit　in　his　chair…〃
　　〃Ellie；　you're　too　big　for　Gage's　chair；〃　Louis　said；　taking　her　hot；　feverish　hand。　〃You'll　break　it。〃
　　〃God　will　help　it　not　to　break；〃　Ellie　said。　Her　voice　was　serene；　but　Louis　observed　the　brown　half…moons　under　her　eyes。　Looking　at　her　made　his　heart　ache　so　badly　that　he　turned　away　from　her。　Maybe　when　Gage's　chair　broke；　she　would　begin　to　understand　what　had　happened　a　little　better。
　　〃I'm　going　to　carry　the　picture　and　sit　in　his　chair；〃　she　said。　〃I'm　going　to　eat　his　breakfast　too。〃　Gage　and　Ellie　had　each　had　their　own　breakfast　cereals；　Gage's；　Ellie　had　once　claimed；　tasted　like　dead　boogers。　If　Cocoa　Bears　was　the　only　cereal　in　the　house；　Ellie　would　sometimes　eat　a　boiled　egg。　。　。　or　nothing　at　all。　〃I'll　eat　lima　beans　even　though　I　hate　them；　and　I'll　read　all　of　Gage's　picturebooks　and　I'll。　。　。　I'll。　。　。　you　know。　。　。　get　things　ready。　。　。　in　case　。　。　。〃
　　She　was　crying　now。　Louis　did　not　try　to　fort　her　but　only　brushed　her　hair　back　from　her　forehead。　What　she　was　talking　about　made　a　certain　crazed　sense。　Keeping　the　lines　open。　Keeping　things　current。　Keeping　Gage　in　the　present；　in　the　Hot　One　Hundred；　refusing　to　let　him　recede；　remember　when　Gage　did　this　。　。　。　or　that　。　。　。　yeah；　that　was　great　。　。　。　good　old　Gage；　wotta　kid。　When　it　started　not　to　hurt；　it　started　not　'to　matter。　She　understood；　perhaps；　Louis　thought；　how　easy　it　would　be　to　let　Gage　be　dead。
　　〃Ellie；　don't　cry　anymore；〃　he　said。　〃This　isn't　forever。〃
　　She　cried　forever　。　。　。　for　fifteen　minutes。　She　actually　fell　asleep　before　her　tears　stopped。　But　eventually　she　slept；　and　downstairs　the　clock　struck　ten　in　the　quiet　house。
　　Keep　him　alive；　Ellie；　if　that's　what　you　want；　he　thought　and　kissed　her。　The　shrinks　would　probably　say　it's　as　unhealthy　as　hell；　but　I'm　for　it。　Because　I　know　the　day　will　e…maybe　as　soon　as　this　Friday…when　you　forget　to　carry　the　picture　and　I'll　see　it　lying　on　your　bed　in　this　empty　room　while　you　ride　your　bike　around　the　driveway　or　walk　in　the　field　behind　the　house　or　go　over　to　Kathy　McGown's　house　to　make　clothes　with　her　Sew　Perfect。　Gage　won't　be　with　you；　and　that's　when　Gage　drops　off　whatever　Hot　One　Hundred　there　is　that　exists　in　little　girls'　hearts　and　starts　to　bee　Something　That　Happened　in　1984。　A　blast　from　the　past。
　　Louis　left　the　room　and　stood　for　a　moment　at　the　head　of　the　stairs；　thinking…not　seriously…about　going　to　bed。
　　He　knew　what　he　needed　and　went　downstairs　to　get　it。
　　Louis　Albert　Creed　set　methodically　about　getting　drunk。　Downstairs　in　the　cellar　were　five　cases　of　Schlitz　Light　beer。　Louis　drank　beer；　Jud　drank　it；　Steve　Masterton　drank　it；　Missy　Dandridge　would　occasionally　have　a　beer　or　two　while　watching　the　kids　（kid；　Louis　reminded　himself；　going　down　the　cellar　stairs）。　Even　Chariton；　on　the　few　occasions　she　had　e　over　to　the　house；　preferred　a　beer…as　long　as　it　was　a　light　beer…to　a　glass　of　wine。　So　one　day　last　winter　Rachel　had　gone　out　and　bought　a　staggering　ten　cases　when　Schlitz　Light　went　on　sale　at　the　Brewer　A　&　P。　Stop　you　running　down　to　Julio's　in　Orrington　every　time　somebody　drops　in；　she　had　said。　And　you're　always　quoting　Robert　Parker　to　me；　love…any　beer　that's　in　the　refrigerator　after　the　stores　close　is　good　beer；　right？　So　drink　this　and　think　about　the　dough　you're　saving。　Last　winter。　When　things　had　been　okay。　When　things　had　been　okay。　It　was　funny；　how　quickly　and　easily　your　mind　made　that　crucial　division。
　　Louis　brought　up　a　case　of　beer　and　shoved　the　cans　into　the　fridge。　Then　he　took　one　can；　closed　the　fridge　door；　and　opened　the　beer。　Church　came　oiling　slowly　and　rustily　out　of　the　pantry　at　the　sound　of　the　refrigerator　door　and　stared　inquiringly　up　at　Louis。　The　cat　did　not　e　too　close；　Louis　had　perhaps　kicked　it　too　many　times。
　　〃Nothing　for　you；〃　he　told　the　cat。　〃You　had　your　can　of　Calo　today。　If　you　want　something　else；　go　kill　a　bird。〃
　　Church　stood　there；　looking　up　at　him。　Louis　drank　off　half　the　can　of　beer　and　felt　it　go　to　his　head　almost　at　once。
　　〃You　don't　even　eat　them；　do　you？〃　he　asked。　〃Just　killing　them　is　enough　for　you。〃
　　Church　strolled　into　the　living　room；　apparently　deciding　there　was　going　to　be　no　food；　and　after　a　moment　Louis　followed　it。
　　He　thought　again　randomly；　Hey…ho；　let's　go。
　　Louis　sat　down　in　his　chair　and　looked　at　Church　again。　The　cat　was　reclining　on　the　rug　by　the　TV　stand；　watching　Louis　carefully；　probably　ready　to　run　if　Louis　should　suddenly　bee　aggressive　and　decide　to　put　his　kicking…foot　in　gear。
　　Instead　Louis　raised　his　beer。　〃To　Gage；〃　he　said。　〃To　my　son；　who　might　have　been　an　artist　or　an　Olympic　swimmer　or　the　motherfucking　President　of　the　United　States。　What　do　you　say；　asshole？〃
　　Church　regarded　him　with　those　dull；　strange　eyes。
　　Louis　drank　off　the　rest　of　his　beer　in　big　gulps　that　hurt　his　tender　throat；　arose；　went　to　the　fridge；　and　got　a　second　one。
　　By　the　time　Louis　had　finished　three　beers；　he　felt　that　he　had　some　sort　of　equilibriu