ah.thefinaldiagnosis-第73部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


　For　three　days　he　had　sought　the　right　words　and　phrases　to　meet　this　moment；　yet　knowing　whatever　form　they　took　the　effect　would　be　the　same。　In　the　interval　between　their　last　meeting　Mike　Seddons　had　probed　the　inner　chasms　of　his　soul　and　conscience。　What　he　had　found　there　had　left　him　with　disgust　and　self…contempt；　but　he　had　emerged　with　truth。　He　knew　with　certainty　that　a　marriage　between　himself　and　Vivian　would　never　succeed…not　because　of　her　inadequacy；　but　through　his　own。
　In　moments　of　searching　self…examination　he　had　forced　himself　to　consider　situations　the　two　of　them　might　meet　together。　In　a　flood　light　of　imagination　he　had　seen　them　entering　a　crowded　room…himself　young；　virile；　unimpaired；　but　Vivian　on　his　arm；　moving　slowly；　awkwardly；　perhaps　with　a　cane；　and　only　as　an　artificial　limb　allowed。　He　had　seen　himself　dive　through　surf；　or　lie　on　a　beach　near…naked　in　the　sun；　but　with　Vivian　dressed　decorously；　sharing　none　of　it　because　a　prothesis　was　ugly　when　exposed　and；　if　removed；　she　would　bee　a　grotesque；　immobile　freak…an　object　for　pitying　or　averted　eyes。
　And　more　than　this。
　Overing　every　reluctance　and　instinctive　decency；　he　had　let　himself　consider　sex。　He　had　pictured　the　scene　at　night；　before　bed。　Would　Vivian　unstrap　her　synthetic　leg　alone；　or　would　he　help　her？　Could　there　be　intimacies　of　undressing；　knowing　what　lay　beneath？　And　how　would　they　make　love…with　the　leg　on　or　off？　If　on；　how　would　it　be…the　hard；　unyielding　plastic　pressing　against　his　own　urgent　body？　If　off；　how　would　the　stump　feel　beneath　him？　Would　there　be　fulfillment…in　intercourse　with　a　body　no　longer　whole？
　Mike　Seddons　sweated。　He　had　plumbed　the　depths　and　found　his　own　reflection。
　Vivian　said；　〃You　needn't　explain；　Mike。〃　This　time　her　voice　was　choked。
　〃But　I　want　to！　I've　got　to！　There　are　so　many　things　we　both　have　to　think　of。〃　Now　the　words　came　quickly；　tumbling　out　in　an　eager　effort　to　make　Vivian　understand；　to　know　the　agony　of　mind　he　had　suffered　before　ing　here。　Even　at　this　moment　he　needed　her　understanding。
　He　started　to　say；　〃Look；　Vivian。　I've　thought　about　it　and　you'll　be　better　off　。　。　。〃
　He　found　her　eyes　regarding　him。　He　had　never　noticed　before　how　steady　and　direct　they　were。　〃Please　don't　lie；　Mike；〃　she　said。　〃I　think　you'd　better　go。〃
　He　knew　it　was　no　good。　All　that　he　wanted　now　was　to　get　away　from　here；　not　to　have　to　meet　Vivian's　eyes。　But　still　he　hesitated。　He　asked；　〃What　will　you　do？〃
　〃I　really　don't　know。　To　tell　you　the　truth；　I　haven't　thought　much　about　it。〃　Vivian's　voice　was　steady；　but　it　betrayed　the　effort　she　was　making。　〃Perhaps　I'll　go　on　in　nursing；　if　they'll　have　me。　Of　course；　I　really　don't　know　if　I'm　cured；　and　if　I'm　not；　how　long　I've　got。　That's　so；　isn't　it；　Mike？〃
　He　had　the　grace　to　lower　his　eyes。
　At　the　doorway　he　looked　back　for　the　last　time。　〃Good…by；　Vivian；〃　he　said。
　She　tried　to　answer；　but　her　self…control　had　been　taxed　too　long。
　
　From　the　second　floor　Mike　Seddons　used　the　stairway　to　reach　Pathology。　He　entered　the　autopsy　room　and　in　the　annex　found　David　Coleman　dissecting　a　leg。　Seddons　looked　at　the　limb　and　saw　it　white　and　lifeless；　the　dark　blood　seeping　out　from　Coleman's　knife　cuts。　For　an　instant　of　horror　he　pictured　it　nylon…sheathed；　a　high…heeled　sandal　upon　the　foot。　Then；　with　an　awful　fascination；　he　crossed　the　room　and　read　the　name　in　the　open　case　file。
　When　he　had　done　so；　Mike　Seddons　went　into　the　corridor　and　vomited　against　the　wall。
　
　〃Oh；　Dr。　Coleman！　Do　e　in。〃
　Kent　O'Donnell　got　up　courteously　from　his　office　desk　as　the　young　pathologist　entered　the　room。　David　Coleman　had　been　cleaning　up　after　the　dissection　when　the　message　from　the　chief　of　surgery　had　reached　him。
　〃Sit　down；　won't　you？〃　O'Donnell　held　out　an　engraved　gold　case。　〃Cigarette？〃
　〃Thank　you。〃　Coleman　took　a　cigarette　and　accepted　the　light　O'Donnell　offered。　He　leaned　back；　relaxed；　in　one　of　the　leather　armchairs。　An　instinct　told　him　that　what　was　to　follow　would　be　a　turning　point　in　his　life。
　O'Donnell　moved　behind　the　desk　to　the　office　window。　He　stood　with　his　back　to　it；　the　morning　sun　behind　him。　〃I　imagine　you've　heard；〃　he　said；　〃that　Dr。　Pearson　has　resigned。〃
　〃Yes；　I'd　heard。〃　Coleman　answered　quietly；　then　to　his　own　surprise　he　heard　himself　saying；　〃You　know；　of　course；　these　past　few　days　he　hasn't　spared　himself。　He's　been　here　day　and　night。〃
　〃Yes；　I　know。〃　O'Donnell　regarded　the　glowing　tip　of　his　cigarette。　〃But　it　doesn't　change　anything。　You　realize　that？〃
　Coleman　knew　that　the　chief　of　surgery　was　right。　〃No；〃　he　said；　〃I　don't　suppose　it　does。〃
　〃Joe　has　expressed　a　wish　to　leave　at　once；〃　O'Donnell　continued。　〃It　means　there　will　be　an　immediate　vacancy　here　for　a　director　of　pathology。　Shall　you　accept？〃
　For　a　second　David　Coleman　hesitated。　This　was　the　thing　he　had　coveted…a　department　of　his　own；　freedom　to　reorganize；　to　mobilize　the　new　aids　of　science；　to　practice　good　medicine；　and　to　make　pathology　count　as　he　knew　it　truly　could。　This　was　the　cup　he　had　sought。　Kent　O'Donnell　had　lifted　it　to　his　lips。
　Then　fear　struck　him。　Suddenly　he　was　appalled　at　the　awesome　responsibility　he　would　have　to　hold。　It　occurred　to　him　there　would　be　no　one　senior　to　relieve　him　of　decisions；　the　ultimate　choice…the　final　diagnosis…would　be　his　alone。　Could　he　face　it？　Was　he　yet　ready？　He　was　still　young；　if　he　chose；　he　could　continue　as　a　second…in…mand　for　several　years　more。　After　that　there　would　be　other　openings…plenty　of　time　to　move　ahead。　Then　he　knew　that　there　was　no　escaping；　that　this　moment　had　been　moving　toward　him　since　his　own　first　arrival　at　Three　Counties　Hospital。
　〃Yes；〃　he　said。　〃If　it's　offered　to　me；　I　shall　accept。〃
　〃I　can　tell　you　that　it　will　be　offered。〃　O'Donnell　smiled。　He　asked；　〃Would　you　tell　me　something？〃
　〃If　I　can。〃
　The　chief　of　surgery　paused。　In　his　mind　he　was　choosing　the　right　phrases　for　the　question　he　wanted　to　put。　He　sensed　that　what　was　to　be　said　next　would　be　important　to　them　both。　Finally　he　asked；　〃Will　you　tell　me　what　your　attitude　is…to　medicine　and　to　this　hospital？〃
　〃It's　hard　to　put　into　words；〃　Coleman　said。
　〃Will　you　try？〃
　David　Coleman　considered。　It　was　true　there　were　things　he　believed；　but　even　to　himself　he　had　seldom　expressed　them。　Now；　perhaps；　was　a　time　for　definition。
　〃I　suppose　the　real　thing；〃　he　said　slowly；　〃is　that　all　of　us…physicians；　the　hospital；　medical　technology…exist　only　for　one　thing：　for　patients；　for　healing　of　the　sick。　I　believe　we　forget　this　sometimes。　I　think　we　bee　absorbed　in　medicine；　science；　better　hospitals；　and　we　forget　that　all　these　things　have　only　one　reason　for　existence…people。　People　who　need　us；　who　e　to　medicine　for　help。〃　He　stopped。　〃I've　put　it　clumsily。〃
　〃No；〃　O'Donnell　said。　〃You've　put　it　very　well。〃　He　had　a　sense　of　triumph　and　of　hope。　Instinct　had　not　belied　him；　he　had　chosen　well。　He　foresaw　that　the　two　of　them…as　chief　of　surgery　and　director　of　pathology…would　be　good　together。　They　would　go　on　and　build　and；　with　them；　Three　Counties　would　progress。　Not　all　that　they　wrought　would　be　perfect；　it　never　was。　There　would　be　flaws　and　failures；　but　at　least　their　aims　were　the　same；　their　feelings　shared。　They　would　have　to　remain　close；　Coleman　was　younger　than　himself；　and　there　were　areas　in　which　O'Donnell's　greater　experience　could　be　of　help。　In　these　past　few　weeks　the　chief　of　surgery　himself　had　learned　a　good　deal。　He　had　learned　that　zeal　could　lead　to　placency　as　surely　as　indifference；　and　that　disaster　could　be　reached　by　many　routes。　But　from　now　on　he　would　fight　placency　on　every　front；　and　Pathology；　with　young　Dr。　Coleman　at　its　head；　could　be　a　stout　right　arm。
　A　thought　occurred　to　him。　He　asked；　〃One　more　thing。　How　do　you　feel　about　Joe　Pearson　and　the　way　he's　leaving？〃
　〃I'm　not　sure；〃　David　Coleman　said。　〃I've　been　wishing　I　knew。〃
　〃It's　not　such　a　bad　thing　to　be　unsure　sometimes。　It　takes　us　away　from　rigid　thinking。〃　O'Donnell　smiled。　〃There　are　some　things　I　think　you　should　know　though。　I've　been　talking　with　some　of　the　older　men　on　staff；　they've　told　me　incidents；　things　I　didn't　know　about。〃　He　paused。　〃Joe　Pearson　has　done　a　great　deal　for　this　hospital　in　thirty…two　years…things　that　are　mostly　forgotten　now　or　that　people　like　you　and　me　don't　always　get　to　hear　about。　He　started　the　blood　bank；　you　know。　It's　strange　to　think　of　it；　but　there　was　a　lot　of　opposition　at　the　time。　Then　he　worked　for　the　formation　of　a　tissue　mittee；　I'm　told　a　good　many　staff　men　fought　him　bitterly　on　that。　But　he　got　the　mittee　and　it　did　a　lot　to　raise　the　standard　of　surgery　here。　Joe　did　some　investigative　work；　too…on　the　cause　and　incidence　of　thyroid　cancer。　Most　of　it's　generally　accepted　now；　but　few　people　remember　that　it　came　from　Joe　Pearson。〃
　〃I　didn't　know；〃　Coleman　said。　〃Thank　you　for　telling　me。〃
　〃Well；　these　things　get　forgotten。　Joe　brought　a　lot　of　new　things　into　the　lab；　too…new　tests；　new　equipment。　Unfortunately　there　came　a　time　when　he　didn't　do　new　things　any　more。　He　let　himself　vegetate　and　get　in　a　rut。　It　happens　sometimes。〃