annr.pandora-第45部分
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〃A woman s sentiments； exactly。 And you have launched this creature into eternity。〃
〃He joins our search；〃 I replied。
About the middle of the century； when the city was very rich and the Empire was about as peaceful as it was ever going to be for the next two hundred years； the Christian Paul came to Antioch。
I went to hear him speak one night and came home； saying casually that the man could convert the very stones to this faith； such was his personal power。
〃How can you spend your time on such things！〃 Marius demanded。 〃Christians。 They aren't even a cult！ Some worship John； some worship Jesus。 They fight amongst one another！ Don't you see what this man Paul has done？〃
〃No； what？〃 I said。 〃I didn't say I was going to join the sect。 I only said I stopped to hear him。 Who is hurt by that？〃
〃You； your mind； your equilibrium； your mon sense。 It's promised by the foolish things in which you take an interest； and frankly the principle of truth is hurt！〃 He had only just begun。
〃Let me tell you about this man Paul；〃 Marius said。 〃He never knew either the Baptizer John or the Galilean Jesus； The Hebrews have thrown him out of the group。 Jesus and John were both Hebrews！ And so Paul has now turned to everyone。 Jew and Christian alike； and Roman and Greek； and said； 'You needn't follow the Hebrew observance。 Forget the Feasts in Jerusalem。 Forget Circumcision。 Bee a Christian。' 〃
〃Yes； that is true；〃 I said with a sigh。
〃It's a very easy religion to take up；〃 he said。 〃It's nothing。 You have to believe that this man rose from the Dead。 And by the way； I've bed the available texts which are floating all over the marketplaces。 Have you？〃
〃No。 I'm surprised you've found this search worthy of your time。〃
〃I don't see anywhere in the writings of those who knew John and Jesus where these two are quoted as saying either one of them will rise from the Dead； or that all who believe in them will have life after death。 Paul added all that。 What an enticing promise！ And you should hear your friend； Paul； on the subject of Hell！ What a cruel vision … that flawed mortals could sin in this life so grievously that they would burn for all eternity。〃
〃He's not my friend。 You make so much of my passing remarks。 Why do you feel so strongly？〃
〃I told you； I care about what is true； what is reasonable！〃
〃Well； there's something you're missing about this group of Christians； some way in which when they e together they share a euphoric love and they believe in great generosity …〃
〃Oh； not again！ And are you to tell me this is good'？〃
I didn't answer。
He was returning to his work when I spoke。
〃You fear me；〃 I said to him。 〃You fear that I'll be swept off my feet by somebody of belief and abandon you。 No。 No； that's not right。 You fear that you will be swept up。 That the world will somehow entice you back into it； so that you won't live here with me； the superior Roman observer recluse； anymore； but go back； seeking mortal forts of panionship and proximity to others； friendship with mortals； their recognition of you as one of them when you are not one of them！〃
〃Pandora； you talk gibberish。〃
〃Keep your proud secrets；〃 I said。 〃But I do fear for you； that I will admit。〃
〃Fear for me？ And why？〃 he demanded。
〃Because you don't realize everything perishes； everything is artifice！ That even logic and mathematics and justice have no ultimate meaning！〃
〃That's not true；〃 he said。
〃Oh； yes it is。 Some night will e when you will see what I saw； when I first came to Antioch； before you'd found me； before this transformation which should have swept away everything in its path。
〃You will see a darkness；〃 I went on； 〃a darkness so total that Nature never knows it anywhere on Earth at any time； in any place！ Only the human soul can know it。 And it goes on forever。 And I pray that when you finally can no longer escape from it； when you realize it is all around you； that your logic and your reason give you some strength against it。〃
He gave me the most respectful look。 But he didn't speak。 I continued：
〃Resignation will do you no good；〃 I said； 〃when such a time es。 Resignation requires will； and will requires decision； and decision requires belief； and belief requires that there is something to believe in！ And all action or acceptance requires a concept of a witness！ Well； there is nothing； and there are no witnesses！ You don't know that yet； but I do。 I hope； when you find it out； someone can fort you as you dress and groom those monstrous relics below the stairs！ As you bring their flowers！〃 I was so angry。 I went on：
〃Look back on me when this moment es … if not for forgiveness； look back on me as a model。 For I have seen this； and I have survived。 And it matters not that I stopped to listen to Paul preach of Christ； or that I weave flowers into crowns for the Queen； or that I dance like a fool under the moon in the garden before dawn； or that I。。。 that I love you。 It matters not。 Because there is nothing。 And no one to see。 No one！〃 I sighed。 It was time to finish。
〃Go back to your history； this stack of lies that tries to link event to event with cause and effect； this preposterous faith that postulates that one thing follows from another。 I tell you； it's not so。 But it is very Roman of you to think so。〃
He sat silent looking up at me。 I couldn't tell what his thoughts were or what his heart felt。 Then he asked：
〃What would you have me do？〃 He had never looked more innocent。
Bitterly； I laughed。 Did we not speak the same language？ He heard not one word I had uttered。 Yet he presented me not with a reply； but only with this simple question。
〃All right；〃 I said。 〃I'll tell you what I want。 Love me； Marius； love me； but leave me alone！〃 I cried out。 I had not even thought。 The words just came。 〃Leave me alone； so that I may seek my own forts； my own means to remain alive； no matter how foolish or pointless these forts appear to you。 Leave me alone！〃
He was wounded； so unprehending； looking so innocent still。
We had many similar arguments as the decades passed。
Sometimes he would e to me after； he would fall into long thoughtful talks about what he felt was happening with the Empire； how the Emperors were going mad and the Senate had no power； how the very progress of man was unique in Nature and something to be watched。 How he would crave life； he thought； until there was no more life。
〃Even if there is nothing left but desert waste；〃 he said； 〃I should want to be there； to see dune folding upon dune；〃 he went on。 〃If there was but one lamp left in all the world； I'd want to watch its flame。 And so would you。〃
But the terms of the battle； and its heat； never really changed。
At heart he thought I hated him for having been so unkind on the night I was given the Dark Blood。 I told him this was childish。 I could not convince him that my soul and my intelligence were infinitely too large for such a simple grudge； and that I owed him no explanation for my thoughts； words and deeds。
For two hundred years； we lived and loved together。 He became ever more beautiful to me。
As more and more barbarians from the North and from the East poured into the city； he felt no necessity to dress like a Roman anymore； and frequently wore the jeweled clothes of the Easterners。 His hair seemed to be growing finer； lighter。 He seldom cut it； which of course he would have had to do every night had he wanted it short。 It was a splendor on his shoulders。
As his face grew ever more smooth； away went the few lines that could so easily design anger in his expression。 As I've told you before； he greatly resembles Lestat。 Only he is more pact of build； and jaw and chin had hardened just a little more with age before the Dark Gift。 But the unwanted folds were receding from his eyes。
Sometimes for nights on end； in fear of a fight； we didn't speak。 There was between us always a continuous physical affection … embraces； kisses； sometimes the mere silent lock of our hands。
But we knew we had now lived far beyond a normal human life span。
You need from me no detailed history of that remarkable time。 It is too well known。 Only let me place here a few reminders。 Only let me describe for you my perspective on the changes happening all over the Empire。
Antioch as a thriving city proved indestructible。 The Emperors began to favor it and visit it。 More Temples went up to the Eastern cults。 And then Christians of all kinds poured into Antioch。
Indeed； the Christians of Antioch prised at last an immense and fascinating bunch of people arguing with each other。
Rome went to war on the Jews； crushing Jerusalem pletely and destroying the sacred Hebrew Temple。 Many brilliant Jewish thinkers came to Antioch as well as Alexandria。
Twice or perhaps even three times； Roman legions pushed past us； North of us； into Parthia； once we even had a little rebellion of our own； but Rome always resecured the city of Antioch。 So the market closed for a day！ On went the trade； the great lust of the caravans for the ships； and of the ships for the caravans； and Antioch was the bed in which they must wed each other。
There was little new poetry。 Satire。 Satire seemed the only safe or honest expression
