rh.royalassassin-第3部分

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e　said；　raising　his　voice　to　cover　the　objection　I'd　been　about　to　utter；　〃they　were　simple　things。　I　knew　the　cause。　Take　out　the　arrowhead　and　haft　from　his　arm　and　clean　it　up。　Poultice　and　draw　the　infection　from　Greydin's　foot。　But　your　sickness　isn't　that　simple。　Neither　Jonqui　nor　I　really　know　what's　wrong　with　you。　Is　it　the　aftermath　of　the　poison　Kettricken　fed　you　when　she　thought　you　had　e　to　kill　her　brother？　Is　this　the　effects　of　the　poisoned　wine　that　Regal　arranged　for　you？　Or　is　it　from　the　beating　you　took　afterward？　From　being　near　drowned？　Or　did　all　those　things　bine　to　do　this　to　you？　We　don't　know；　and　so　we　don't　know　how　to　cure　you。　We　just　don't　know。〃
　　　　　　　His　voice　clenched　on　his　last　words；　and　I　suddenly　saw　how　his　sympathy　for　me　overlay　his　frustration。　He　paced　a　few　steps；　then　halted　to　stare　into　the　fire。　〃We've　talked　long　about　it。　Jonqui　has　much　in　her　Mountain　lore　that　I　have　never　heard　of　before。　And　I've　told　her　of　cures　I　know。　But　we　both　agreed　the　best　thing　to　do　was　give　you　time　to　heal。　You're　in　no　danger　of　dying　that　we　can　see。　Possibly；　in　time；　your　own　body　can　cast　out　the　last　vestiges　of　the　poison；　or　heal　whatever　damage　was　done　inside　you。〃
　　　　　　　〃Or；〃　I　added　quietly；　〃it's　possible　that　I'll　be　this　way　the　rest　of　my　life。　That　the　poison　or　the　beating　damaged　something　permanently。　Damn　Regal；　to　kick　me　like　that　when　I　was　trussed　already。〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　stood　as　if　turned　to　ice。　Then　he　sagged　into　the　chair　in　the　shadows。　Defeat　was　in　his　voice。　〃Yes。　That　is　just　as　possible　as　the　other。　But　don't　you　see　we　have　no　choice？　I　could　physick　you　to　try　to　force　the　poison　out　of　your　body。　But　if　it's　damage；　not　poison；　all　I　would　do　was　weaken　you；　so　that　your　body's　own　healing　would　take　that　much　longer。〃　He　stared　into　the　flames；　and　lifted　a　hand　to　touch　a　streak　of　white　at　his　temple。　I　was　not　the　only　one　who'd　fallen　to　Regal's　treachery。　Burrich　himself　was　but　newly　recovered　from　a　skull　blow　that　would　have　killed　anyone　less　thickheaded　than　he。　I　knew　he　had　endured　long　days　of　dizziness　and　blurred　vision。　I　did　not　recall　he　had　plained　at　all。　I　had　the　decency　to　feel　a　bit　of　shame。
　　　　　　　〃So　what　do　I　do？〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　started　as　if　roused　from　dozing。　〃What　we've　been　doing。　Wait。　Eat。　Rest。　Be　easy　on　yourself。　And　see　what　happens。　Is　that　so　terrible？〃
　　　　　　　I　ignored　his　question。　〃And　if　I　don't　get　better？　If　I　just　stay　like　this；　where　the　tremors　or　fits　can　e　over　me　at　any　time？〃
　　　　　　　His　answer　was　slow　in　ing。　〃Live　with　it。　Many　folk　have　to　live　with　worse。　Most　of　the　time　you're　fine。　You're　not　blind。　You're　not　paralyzed。　You've　your　wits；　still。　Stop　defining　yourself　by　what　you　can't　do。　Why　don't　you　consider　what　you　didn't　lose？〃
　　　　　　　〃What　I　didn't　lose？　What　I　didn't　lose？〃　My　anger　rose　like　a　covey　of　birds　taking　flight　and　likewise　driven　by　panic。　〃I'm　helpless；　Burrich。　I　can't　go　back　to　Buckkeep　like　this！　I'm　useless。　I'm　worse　than　useless；　I'm　a　waiting　victim。　If　I　could　go　back　and　batter　Regal　into　a　pulp；　that　might　be　worth　it。　Instead；　I　will　have　to　sit　at　table　with　Prince　Regal；　to　be　civil　and　deferential　to　a　man　who　plotted　to　overthrow　Verity　and　kill　me　as　an　added　spice。　I　can't　endure　him　seeing　me　tremble　with　weakness；　or　suddenly　fall　in　a　seizure。　I　don't　want　to　see　him　smile　at　what　he　has　made　me；　I　don't　want　to　watch　him　savor　his　triumph。　He　will　try　to　kill　me　again。　We　both　know　that。　Perhaps　he　has　learned　he　is　no　match　for　Verity；　perhaps　he　will　respect　his　older　brother's　reign　and　new　wife。　But　I　doubt　he　will　extend　that　to　me。　I'll　be　one　more　way　he　can　strike　at　Verity。　And　when　he　es；　what　shall　I　be　doing？　Sitting　by　the　fire　like　a　palsied　old　man；　doing　nothing。　Nothing！　All　I've　been　trained　for；　all　Hod's　weaponry　instruction；　all　Fedwren's　careful　teachings　about　lettering；　even　all　you've　taught　me　about　taking　care　of　beasts！　All　a　waste！　I　can　do　none　of　it。　I'm　just　a　bastard　again；　Burrich。　And　someone　once　told　me　that　a　royal　bastard　is　only　kept　alive　so　long　as　he　is　useful。〃　I　was　practically　shouting　at　him　as　I　said　the　last　words。　But　even　in　my　fury　and　despair；　I　did　not　speak　aloud　of　Chade　and　my　training　as　an　assassin。　At　that；　too；　I　was　useless　now。　All　my　stealth　and　sleight　of　hand；　all　the　precise　ways　to　kill　a　man　by　touch；　the　painstaking　mixing　of　poisons；　all　were　denied　me　by　my　own　rattling　body。
　　　　　　　Burrich　sat　quietly；　hearing　me　out。　When　my　breath　and　my　anger　ran　out　and　I　sat　gasping　in　my　bed；　clasping　my　traitorously　trembling　hands　together；　he　spoke　calmly。
　　　　　　　〃So。　Are　you　saying　we　don't　go　back　to　Buckkeep？〃
　　　　　　　That　put　me　off　balance。　〃We？〃
　　　　　　　〃My　life　is　pledged　to　the　man　who　wears　that　earring。　There's　a　long　story　behind　that；　one　that　perhaps　I'll　tell　you　someday。　Patience　had　no　right　to　give　it　to　you。　I　thought　it　had　gone　with　Prince　Chivalry　to　his　grave。　She　probably　thought　it　just　a　simple　piece　of　jewelry　her　husband　had　worn；　hers　to　keep　or　to　give。　In　any　wise；　you　wear　it　now。　Where　you　go；　I　follow。〃
　　　　　　　I　lifted　my　hand　to　the　bauble。　It　was　a　tiny　blue　stone　caught　up　in　a　web　of　silver　net。　I　started　to　unfasten　it。
　　　　　　　〃Don't　do　that；〃　Burrich　said。　The　words　were　quiet；　deeper　than　a　dog's　growl。　But　his　voice　held　both　threat　and　mand。　I　dropped　my　hand　away；　unable　to　question　him　on　this　at　least。　It　felt　strange　that　the　man　who　had　watched　over　me　since　I　was　an　abandoned　child　now　put　his　future　into　my　hands。　Yet　there　he　sat　before　the　fire　and　waited　for　my　words。　I　studied　what　I　could　see　of　him　in　the　dance　of　firelight。　He　had　once　seemed　a　surly　giant　to　me；　dark　and　threatening；　but　also　a　savage　protector。　Now；　for　perhaps　the　first　time；　I　studied　him　as　a　man。　The　dark　hair　and　eyes　were　prevalent　in　those　who　carried　Outislander　blood；　and　in　this　we　resembled　each　other。　But　his　eyes　were　brown；　not　black；　and　the　wind　brought　a　redness　to　his　cheeks　above　his　curling　beard　that　bespoke　a　fairer　ancestor　somewhere。　When　he　walked；　he　limped；　very　noticeably　on　cold　days。　It　was　the　legacy　of　turning　aside　a　boar　that　had　been　trying　to　kill　Chivalry。　He　was　not　so　big　as　he　had　once　seemed　to　me。　If　I　kept　on　growing；　I　would　probably　be　taller　than　he　before　another　year　was　out。　Nor　was　he　massively　muscled；　but　instead　had　a　pactness　to　him　that　was　a　readiness　of　both　muscle　and　mind。　It　was　not　his　size　that　had　made　him　both　feared　and　respected　at　Buckkeep；　but　his　black　temper　and　his　tenacity。　Once；　when　I　was　very　young；　I　had　asked　him　if　he　had　ever　lost　a　fight。　He　had　just　subdued　a　willful　young　stallion　and　was　in　the　stall　with　him；　calming　him。　Burrich　had　grinned；　teeth　showing　white　as　a　wolf's。　The　sweat　had　stood　out　in　droplets　on　his　forehead　and　was　running　down　his　cheeks　into　his　dark　beard。　He　spoke　to　me　over　the　side　of　the　stall。　〃Lost　a　fight？〃　he'd　asked；　still　out　of　breath。　〃The　fight　isn't　over　until　you　win　it；　Fitz。　That's　all　you　have　to　remember。　No　matter　what　the　other　man　thinks。　Or　the　horse。〃
　　　　　　　I　wondered　if　I　were　a　fight　he　had　to　win。　He'd　often　told　me　that　I　was　the　last　task　Chivalry　had　given　him。　My　father　had　abdicated　the　throne；　shamed　by　my　existence。　Yet　he'd　given　me　over　to　this　man；　and　told　him　to　raise　me　well。　Maybe　Burrich　thought　he　hadn't　finished　that　task　yet。
　　　　　　　〃What　do　you　think　I　should　do？〃　I　asked　humbly。　Neither　the　words　nor　the　humility　came　easily。
　　　　　　　〃Heal；〃　he　said　after　a　few　moments。　〃Take　the　time　to　heal。　It　can't　be　forced。〃　He　glanced　down　at　his　own　legs　stretched　toward　the　fire。　Something　not　a　smile　twisted　his　lips。
　　　　　　　〃Do　you　think　we　should　go　back？〃　I　pressed。
　　　　　　　He　leaned　back　into　the　chair。　He　crossed　his　booted　feet　at　the　ankle　and　stared　into　the　fire。　He　took　a　long　time　answering。　But　finally　he　said；　almost　reluctantly；　〃If　we　don't；　Regal　will　think　he　has　won。　And　he　will　try　to　kill　Verity。　Or　at　least　do　whatever　he　thinks　he　must　to　make　a　grab　for　his　brother's　crown。　I　am　sworn　to　my　king；　Fitz；　as　are　you。　Right　now　that　is　King　Shrewd。　But　Verity　is　king…in…waiting。　I　don't　think　it　right　that　he　should　have　waited　in　vain。〃
　　　　　　　〃He　has　other　soldiers；　more　capable　than　I。〃
　　　　　　　〃Does　that　free　you　from　your　promise？〃
　　　　　　　〃You　argue　like　a　priest。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　don't　argue　at　all。　I　merely　asked　you　a　question。　And　one　other。　What　do　you　forsake；　if　you　leave　Buckkeep　behind？〃
　　　　　　　It　was　my　turn　to　fall　silent。　I　did　think　of　my　king；　and　all　I　had　sworn　to　him。　I　thought　of　Prince　Verity；　and　his　bluff　heartiness　and　open　ways　with　me。　I　recalled　old　Chade　and　his　slow　smile　when　I　had　finally　mastered　some　arcane　bit　of　lore。　Lady　Patience　and　her　maid　Lacey；　Fedwren　and　Hod；　even　Cook　and　Mistress　Hasty　the　seamstress。　There　were　not　so　many　folk　that　had　cared　for　me；　but　that　made　them　more　significant；　not　less。　I　would　miss　all　of　them　if　I　never　went　back　to　Buckkeep。　But　what　leaped　up　in　me　like　an　ember　rekindled　was　my　memory　of　Molly。　And　somehow；　I　found　myself　speaking　of　her　to　Burrich；　and　him　just　nodding　as　I　spilled　out　the　whole　story。