uleg.thefarthestshore-第24部分
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t night； lying down to sleep among the others under the stars； he thought； 〃It is as if I were dead； and this is an afterlife； here in the sunlight； beyond the edge of the world； among the sons and daughters of the sea。。。〃
Before he slept he would look in the far south for the yellow star and the figure of the Rune of Ending； and always he saw Gobardon and the lesser or the greater triangle； but it rose later now； and he could not keep his eyes open till the whole figure stood free of the horizon。 By night and by day the rafts drifted southward； but there was never any change in the sea； for the ever…changing does not change； the rainstorms of May passed over； and at night the stars shone； and all day the sun。
He knew that their life could not be lived always in this dreamlike case。 He asked of winter； and they told him of the long rains and the mighty swells； the single rafts； each separated from all the rest； drifting and plunging along through the grey and darkness； week after week after week。 Last winter in a month…long storm they had seen waves so great they were 〃like thunderclouds；〃 they said； for they had not seen hills。 From the back of one wave the next could be seen； immense； miles away； rushing hugely toward them。 Could the rafts ride such seas？ he asked； and they said yes； but not always。 In the spring when they gathered at the Roads of Balatran there would be two rafts missing； or three； or six。。。
They married very young。 Bluecrab； the boy tattooed with his namesake； and the pretty girl Albatross were man and wife； though he was just seventeen and she two years younger； there were many such marriages between the rafts。 Many babies crept and toddled about the rafts； tied by long leashes to the four posts of the central shelter； all crawling into it in the heat of the day and sleeping in wriggling heaps。 The older children tended the younger； and men and women shared in all the work。 All took their turn at gathering the great； brown…leaved seaweeds； the nilgu of the Roads； fringed like fern and eighty or a hundred feet long。 All worked together at pounding the nilgu into cloth and braiding the coarse fibers for ropes and nets； at fishing and drying the fish and shaping whale…ivory into tools； and all the other tasks of the rafts。 But there was always time for swimming and for talking； and never a time by which a task must be finished。 There were no hours： only whole days； whole nights。 After a few such days and nights it seemed to Arren that he had lived on the raft for time uncountable； and Obehol was a dream； and behind that were fainter dreams； and in some other world he had lived on land and been a prince in Enlad。
When he was summoned at last to the chief's raft； Sparrowhawk looked at him a while and said； 〃You look like that Arren whom I saw in the Court of the Fountain： sleek as a golden seal。 It suits you here； lad。〃
〃Aye； my lord。〃
〃But where is here？ We have left places behind us。 We have sailed off the maps。。。 Long ago I heard tell of the RaftFolk； but thought it only one more tale of the South Reach； a fancy without substance。 Yet we were rescued by that fancy； and our lives saved by a myth〃
He spoke smilingly； as though he had shared in that timeless ease of life in the summer light； but his face was gaunt； and in his eyes lay an unlighted darkness。 Arren saw that and faced it。
〃I betrayed…〃 he said； and stopped。 〃I betrayed your trust in me。〃
〃How so； Arren？。
〃There… at Obehol。 When for once you needed me。 You were hurt and needed my help。 I did nothing。 The boat drifted； and I let her drift。 You were in pain； and I did nothing for you。 I saw land… I saw land； and did not even try to turn the boat…〃
〃Be still； lad；〃 the mage said with such firmness that Arren obeyed。 And presently； 〃Tell me what you thought at that time。〃
〃Nothing； my lord… nothing！ I thought there was no use in doing anything。 I thought your wizardry was gone… no； that it had never been。 That you had tricked me。〃 The sweat broke out on Arren's face and he had to force his voice； but he went on。 〃I was afraid of you。 I was afraid of death。 I was so afraid of it I would not look at you； because you might be dying。 I could think of nothing； except that there was… there was a way of not dying for me； if I could find it。 But all the time life was running out； as if there was a great wound and the blood running from it …such as you had。 But this was in everything。 And I did nothing； nothing； but try to hide from the horror of dying。〃
He stopped； for saying the truth aloud was unendurable。 It was not shame that stopped him； but fear； the same fear。 He knew now why this tranquil life in sea and sunlight on the rafts seemed to him like an after…life or a dream； unreal。 It was because he knew in his heart that reality was empty： without life or warmth or color or sound： without meaning。 There were no heights or depths。 All this lovely play of form and light and color on the sea and in the eyes of men； was no more than that： a playing of illusions on the shallow void。
They passed； and there remained the shapelessness and the cold。 Nothing else。
Sparrowhawk was looking at him； and he had looked down to avoid that gaze。 But there spoke in Arren unexpectedly a little voice of courage or of mockery： it was arrogant and pitiless； and it said； 〃Coward！ Coward！ Will you throw even this away？〃
So he looked up； with a great effort of his will； and met his panion's eyes。
Sparrowhawk reached out and took his hand in a hard grasp； so that both by eye and by flesh they touched。 He said Arren's true name； which he had never spoken： 〃Lebannen。〃 Again he said it： 〃Lebannen； this is。 And thou art。 There is no safety； and there is no end。 The word must be heard in silence； there must be darkness to see the stars。 The dance is always danced above the hollow place； above the terrible abyss。〃
Arren clenched his hands and bent his forehead down till it pressed against Sparrowhawk's hand。 〃I failed you；〃 he said。 〃I will fail you again and fail myself。 I have not strength enough！〃
〃You have strength enough。〃 The mage's voice was tender； but beneath tenderness was that same hardness that had risen in the depths of Arren's own shame； and mocked him。 〃What you love； you will love。 What you undertake； you will plete。 You are a fulfiller of hope； you are to be relied on。 But seventeen years give little armor against despair。。。 Consider； Arren。 To refuse death is to refuse life。〃
〃But I sought death… yours and mine！〃 Arren lifted his head and stared at Sparrowhawk。 〃Like Sopli who drowned himself…〃
〃Sopli was not seeking death。 He sought to escape from it and from life。 He sought safety： an end to fear… to the fear of death。〃
〃But there is… there is a way。 There is a way beyond death。 Back to life。 To life beyond death； life without death。 That is what they seek。 Hare and Sopli； the ones who were wizards。 That is what we seek。 You …you above all must know… must know of that way…〃
The mage's strong hand was still on his。 〃I do not；〃 Sparrowhawk said。 〃Aye； I know what they think they seek。 But I know it to be a lie。 Listen to me； Arren。 You will die。 You will not live forever。 Nor will any man nor any thing。 Nothing is immortal。 But only to us is it given to know that we must die。 And that is a great gift： the gift of selfhood。 For we have only what we know we must lose； what we are willing to lose。。。 That selfhood which is our torment； and our treasure； and our humanity； does not endure。 It changes； it is gone； a wave on the sea。 Would you have the sea grow still and the tides cease； to save one wave； to save yourself？ Would you give up the craft of your hands； and the passion of your heart； and the light of sunrise and sunset； to buy safety for yourself … safety forever？ That is what they seek to do on Wathort and Lorbanery and elsewhere。 That is the message that those who know how to hear have heard： By denying life you may deny death and live forever！ …And this message I do not hear； Arren； for I will not hear it。 I will not take the counsel of despair。 I am deaf； I am blind。 You are my guide。 You in your innocence and your courage； in your unwisdom and your loyalty； you are my guide… the child I send before me into the dark。 It is your fear； your pain； I follow。 You have thought me harsh to you； Arren； you never knew how harsh。 I use your love as a man burns a candle； burns it away； to light his steps。 And we must go on。 We must go on。 We must go all the way。 We must e to the place where the sea runs dry and joy runs out； the place to which your mortal terror draws you。〃
〃Where is it； my lord？〃
〃I do not know。〃
〃I cannot lead you there。 But I will e with you。〃
The mage's gaze on him was somber； unfathomable。
〃But if I should fail again and betray you…〃
〃I will trust you； son of Morred。〃
Then both were silent。
Above them the tall； carven idols rocked very slightly against the blue southern sky： dolphin bodies； gulls' wings folded； human faces with staring eyes of shell。
Sparrowhawk got up stiffly； for he was still far from being fully healed of his wound。 〃I am tired of sitting about；〃 he said。 〃I shall grow fat in idleness。〃 He began to pace the length of
