lh.narcissusinchains-第81部分

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　I　buried　my　face　into　my　knees；　hiding。　I　spoke　with　my　mouth　buried　against　the　thick　covers。　〃I　can't　try　again。〃
　〃No　one　is　asking　you　to　call　that　bitch　again。〃
　〃Anita。〃　It　was　Nathaniel。
　It　wasn't　his　voice　that　made　me　look　up；　it　was　the　rich；　bitter　smell　of　coffee。　I　found　him　holding　my　baby　penguin　mug　full　of　fresh　coffee。　It　was　very　pale；　lots　of　sugar；　lots　of　cream；　good　for　shock。　Hell；　good　for　everything。
　He　helped　me　rescue　my　hands　from　the　blanket　and　wrap　them　around　the　mug。　I　held　the　mug　tight；　and　it　took　several　seconds　to　realize　I　was　burning　my　hands。　I　didn't　panic；　just　handed　the　mug　back　to　Nathaniel。　He　took　it；　and　I　stared　at　my　pink；　red　hands。　I　had　first…degree　burns；　and　I　hadn't　felt　the　heat　until　it　was　too　late。
　〃Damn；〃　I　said；　softly。
　Lillian　sighed。　〃I'll　get　some　ice。〃　She　left　us　alone。
　Nathaniel　knelt　in　front　of　me；　being　careful　not　to　spill　the　coffee。　Merle　and　Cherry　glided　into　the　living　room　while　I　was　still　staring　at　my　reddened　hands。　Cherry　sat　beside　me　on　the　couch。　She　was　still　nude；　but　it　didn't　matter。　Nothing　seemed　to　matter。　Merle　stayed　standing；　and　I　didn't　even　bother　trying　to　look　up　at　him。　All　I　could　see　were　the　silver　toes　of　his　boots。
　〃Nathaniel　said　that　you　touched　his　beast　when　you　marked　his　back；〃　Cherry　said。
　I　blinked　at　her；　meeting　her　pale　eyes。　I　nodded。　I　remembered　a　shining　moment；　after　I'd　marked　his　back　actually；　where　I'd　felt　his　beast　roiling　under　the　touch　of　my　power；　and　I'd　been　sure　I　could　call　that　part　of　him；　make　him　shapeshift　for　me。　I　was　still　nodding；　and　made　myself　stop；　saying；　〃I　remember。〃
　Lillian　came　back　out　and　applied　bags　of　ice　wrapped　in　a　small　towel　to　my　hands。　〃Try　not　to　hurt　yourself　for　a　few　minutes。　I'm　going　back　to　check　on　Gregory。〃　She　left　me　with　the　three　leopards　and　my　ice。
　〃If　you　touched　Nathaniel's　beast；　there's　a　chance　you　could　call　Gregory's　now。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　don't　think　so。〃
　Cherry　gripped　my　arm。　〃Don't　fall　apart　on　us　now；　Anita；　Gregory　needs　you。〃
　The　first　flare　of　anger　pushed　through　the　shock。　〃I　have　done　my　fucking　best　for　him　tonight。〃
　She　dropped　her　hand　away　from　my　arm；　but　didn't　look　away。　〃Anita；　please；　Merle　thinks　you　may　be　strong　enough　to　call　Gregory's　beast；　even　before　your　first　full　moon。〃
　I　clutched　the　towel…covered　ice　to　my　chest。　The　sudden　cold　across　my　nearly　naked　chest　helped　clear　my　head。　〃I　thought　that　wasn't　possible　before　I　shifted　for　the　first　time。〃
　〃With　you；　Anita；〃　Merle　said；　〃I　would　be　a　fool　to　say　what　you　can　and　can't　do。〃
　I　let　the　ice　fall　on　the　coverlet　in　my　lap　and　looked　up　at　the　big　man。　〃Why　the　change　of　heart？　I　failed　Gregory　out　there　on　the　deck。〃
　〃You　risked　yourself　for　one　of　your　cats。　It　is　the　very　best　a　Nimir…Ra；　or　…Raj；　has　in　them；　to　take　great　risks　for　their　people。〃
　I　touched　the　towel；　found　one　corner　wet；　and　knew　the　plastic　bag　hadn't　sealed　pletely。　I　moved　the　bag　rightside　up　so　it　wouldn't　spill　anymore。　〃What　do　you　want　from　me？〃　My　voice　sounded　as　tired　as　I　felt。
　Merle　knelt　in　front　of　me；　and　I　met　his　eyes。　There　was　a　look　in　them　that　I　didn't　want　right　now。　He　seemed　to　trust　me；　and　I　didn't　feel　trustworthy。　I　felt　scared。
　〃Call　Gregory's　beast。〃
　〃I　don't　know　how。　When　I　was　with　Nathaniel；　it　was　。。。　〃　I　sighed。
　〃It　was　sexual；〃　Cherry　finished　for　me。
　I　nodded。　〃I　am　not　trying　for　that　kind　of　mood　with　Gregory　again　tonight。　I　don't　think　either　he；　or　I；　could　handle　it　if　it　went　wrong　again。〃
　〃Calling　the　beast　doesn't　have　to　be　sexual；〃　Merle　said。
　I　met　his　strangely　trusting　gaze。　I　was　beyond　tired。　I　just　didn't　have　anything　left　tonight；　not　for　Gregory。　I　did　not　want　to　touch　him　again　tonight。　Part　of　me　was　afraid　that　Raina　would　make　an　unplanned　appearance；　though　I　knew　that　was　almost　impossible　for　her　now。　I　did　have　better　control　than　that。　But　。。。　〃How　can　I　ever　touch　Gregory　again　and　not　remember　that？〃
　〃I　don't　know；〃　Cherry　said；　〃but　please；　Anita；　please　help　him。〃
　〃How　do　I　call　his　beast　without　getting　in　the　mood？〃　I　asked。
　〃You　need　to　talk　to　someone　who　can　call　the　beast　from　their　people；〃　Merle　said。
　I　looked　at　him。　〃You　got　someone　in　mind？〃
　〃I　am　told　your　Ulfric　can　call　the　beast　from　his　wolves。〃
　I　nodded。　〃So　I　hear。〃
　〃If　he　called　a　wolf　into　form；　while　you　watched；　then　he　might　be　able　to　show　you　how　to　do　it。〃
　〃You　really　think　it　will　work？〃　I　asked　him。
　〃I　don't　know；〃　he　said；　〃but　isn't　it　worth　trying？〃
　I　handed　him　the　leaking　bag　of　ice。　〃Sure；　if　Richard　will　e。〃
　Nathaniel　answered　that　one。　〃Richard　blames　himself　for　Gregory's　injuries。　If　we　offer　him　a　chance　to　heal　him；　he'll　e。〃
　I　stared　at　Nathaniel；　watched　the　intelligence　in　those　flower…colored　eyes。　It　was　one　of　the　most　insightful　things　I'd　ever　heard　him　say。　It　gave　me　just　a　little　hope；　that　indeed　Nathaniel　could　be　made　whole　　that　he　was　getting　better。　I　needed　some　hope　just　then；　but　it　was　still　unnerving　for　Nathaniel　to　know　Richard　so　well；　to　be　that　observant。　It　meant　that　I'd　underestimated　Nathaniel。　I　kept　equating　submissiveness　with　being　inferior；　and　that　wasn't　really　the　case。　Some　people　choose　to　be　bottoms；　to　serve；　it　doesn't　make　them　less；　just　different。　I　looked　into　his　face　and　wondered　what　else　I'd　missed；　or　what　else　he'd　show　me？　It　was　a　night　for　revelations；　so　why　the　hell　not　have　Richard　join　us？　How　much　worse　could　it　get？　Please；　no　one　answer　that。
　
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　I　BRUSHED　MY　teeth　and　sat　at　the　kitchen　table　in　the　dark；　drinking　coffee　while　we　waited。　Nathaniel　padded　barefoot　into　the　room；　his　hair　swinging　loose　around　his　bare　chest　and　the　jean　shorts　he'd　put　on。
　〃How's　Gregory？〃　I　asked。
　〃Dr。　Lillian　put　an　IV　in　him；　to　help　with　the　shock；　she　said。〃　He　stopped　beside　the　table；　not　quite　in　front　of　me。
　〃An　IV。　Richard　will　be　here　within　an　hour　or　less。　If　she　put　an　IV　in　then　。。。　〃　I　let　my　voice　trail　off。
　Nathaniel　finished　for　me。　〃Gregory's　very　hurt。〃
　I　looked　up　at　him　in　the　darkened　kitchen。　The　only　light　was　the　small　one　over　the　sink。　It　left　most　of　the　room　in　thick　shadows。　〃You　don't　mean　the　injuries　he　got　from　the　wolves；　do　you？〃
　He　shook　his　head；　all　that　hair　sliding　around　his　body。　A　long　heavy　strand　slid　over　one　shoulder；　and　he　tossed　his　head　to　flip　it　back　behind　him。　I'd　never　been　around　a　man　that　had　such　long　hair；　who　was　so　fortable　with　it。
　〃He　kept　talking　about　Raina；〃　Nathaniel　said；　〃kept　swearing　under　his　breath。〃　His　voice　had　dropped　low；　almost　a　whisper。　He　was　staring　over　my　head　at　things　I　couldn't　see；　and　probably　didn't　want　to。
　I　touched　his　arm。　〃You　alright？〃
　He　looked　down　at　me；　smiled；　but　not　like　he　was　happy。　He　moved　his　hand　so　he　was　holding　mine。　His　grip　was　tight　like　he　needed　the　fort。
　〃Talk　to　me；　Nathaniel。〃
　〃I　gave　you　copies　of　three　of　my　movies。〃　He　smiled；　wide　this　time；　before　I　could　say　anything。　〃I　know　you've　never　watched　them。　When　I　gave　them　to　you；　I　still　thought　you　were　like　Gabriel　and　Raina；　that　it　had　to　be　sex；　that　you　would　like　that　they　were　porn。　I　understand　now　that　you'll　take　care　of　us　no　matter　what；　not　because　you　lust　after　us　or　because　you　love　one　of　us；　but　just　　because。〃　He　went　to　his　knees；　still　holding　my　hand；　pressing　it　against　his　chest　with　both　his　own。　He　laid　his　head　on　my　lap；　his　face　turned　away　from　me。　I　moved　a　thick　line　of　hair　away　from　his　face；　so　I　could　see　his　profile　as　he　leaned　against　me。
　We　sat　there　for　a　few　moments；　me　waiting　for　him　to　continue；　him　maybe　waiting　for　me　to　prompt　him；　but　the　silence　wasn't　strained。　One　of　us　would　fill　it　when　we　were　ready；　and　we　both　knew　that。　He　was　the　one　who　sighed；　keeping　one　hand　on　my　hand；　pressed　to　him；　his　other　hand　curling　around　my　leg。　I　could　feel　the　beat　of　his　heart　against　the　back　of　my　hand。
　〃I　did　more　movies　than　just　those　three。　Most　of　them　with　Raina。　Gabriel　wouldn't　let　her　have　me　as　a　lover；　or　a　slave。　I　think　he　knew　she'd　kill　me；　but　on　film　where　things　could　be　controlled　。。。　〃　He　hugged　his　body　against　mine；　clinging。
　〃What　happened？〃　I　said；　softly。
　〃She　did　that　to　Gregory　on　her　own；　as　a　kind　of　。。。　fun。　But　when　he　survived　it；　she　wanted　to　do　a　version　of　it　on　film。〃
　I　went　very　still　for　a　second　or　two。　I　think　I　stopped　breathing；　because　when　my　breath　finally　did　e　out；　it　shook。　〃You？〃　I　made　it　a　question。
　He　nodded　his　head；　cheek　still　pressed　to　my　thigh。　〃Me。〃
　I　stroked　his　hair；　stared　down　into　that　young　face。　He　was　six　years　younger　than　me；　almost　seven；　but　it　seemed　like　there　should　have　been　decades　between　us。　He　was　so　much　a　victim；　so　much　anyone's　meat。
　〃Gregory　wouldn't　do　it　again；　said　he'd　kill　himself　first；　and　Gabriel　must　have　believed　him。〃
　I　kept　petting　his　hair　because　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　do。　What　do　you　say　while　someone　whispers　horrors　in　your　ear；　tells　you　their　most　intimate；　nightmarish　secrets？　You　sit　and　you　listen。　And　you　give　them　the　only　thing　you　can　　the　silence　and　the　safety