lh.narcissusinchains-第80部分

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illed　up　through　me　like　warm　water　filling　a　pipe；　up；　up；　riding　on　a　wave　of　eagerness　that　she　hadn't　had　at　the　lupanar。　A　thrill　of　fear　went　through　me。　I　knew　it　was　a　bad　sign；　but　I　didn't　fight　her。　I　let　her　e；　let　her　fill　me　up；　let　her　laugh　bubble　from　my　throat。
　When　she　looked　at　Gregory；　she　had　no　trouble　seeing　him　as　a　sexual　object；　but　then　Raina　saw　almost　everyone　as　a　sexual　object；　so　no　big　surprise。
　I　touched　his　face；　caressed　the　line　of　his　jaw。　Gregory's　eyes　widened。　I　realized　in　that　moment　that　he　might　not　know　what　the　hell　we　were　doing；　or　what　had　changed。　I　could　call　Raina　and　think　rationally。　I'd　fought　long　and　hard　to　be　able　to　do　that。　I　could　be　distant　while　my　hand　glided　down　Gregory's　bare　chest。　I　could　stop　my　hand　　our　hand　　at　his　slender　waist；　and　Raina　couldn't　force　me　lower。　She　snarled　in　my　head；　giving　me　a　visual　of　her　in　wolf　shape；　snapping　at　me。　But　it　was　just　a　visual；　like　a　dream；　it　couldn't　hurt　me；　or　anyone。
　Raina　spoke　in　my　head。　〃This　wolf　still　has　teeth；　Anita。〃
　〃You　know　the　rules；〃　I　said。
　〃What？〃　Stephen　asked。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I'm　talking　to　Raina。〃
　〃That　is　just　creepy；〃　Zane　said。
　I　agreed　with　him；　wholeheartedly；　but　Raina　was　already　talking　in　my　head；　and　I　couldn't　answer　him。　〃I　know　the　rules；　Anita；　do　you？〃
　〃Yeah。〃
　〃I　do　whatever　I　please　。。。　〃
　〃And　I　try　to　stop　you；〃　I　finished　for　her。
　〃Like　old　times；〃　the　voice　in　my　head　said。
　It　did　sound　like　the　relationship　we'd　had　when　she　was　alive。　She　wanted　to　kiss　Gregory；　and　I　didn't　fight　it。　The　kiss　was　openmouthed；　but　soft；　nothing　that　would　scare　me　too　badly。　In　her　own　way　Raina　was　learning　how　to　work　me；　too。
　I'd　never　kissed　Gregory　before；　never　wanted　to。　I　still　didn't　want　to。　Kissing；　in　some　ways；　is　more　intimate　than　intercourse；　more　special。　I　pulled　away　from　his　lips；　and　Raina　was　just　as　happy　to　kiss　the　side　of　his　neck。　His　skin　was　warm　and　smelled　like　soap。　I　buried　my　face　under　his　hair　at　the　back　of　his　ear　and　found　the　hair　still　damp；　smelling　of　my　shampoo。
　I　tried　to　call　healing　from　Raina；　but　she　fought　me。　〃No；　not　until　after　my　reward。〃
　I　actually　had　leaned　back　from　Gregory；　and　must　have　said　it　out　loud；　because　Stephen　asked；　〃What　reward？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃Raina　won't　heal　him　until　after　she's　been　。。。　fed。〃　It　was　a　type　of　feeding；　in　her　own　way　Raina　was　like　the　ardeur；　except　she　only　needed　feeding　when　I　called　her　　her　craving；　not　mine。
　〃What　do　you　want？〃　I　asked　it　out　loud；　because　I　still　wasn't　fortable　with　having　silent　conversations　in　my　head。
　She　gave　me　a　visual　of　kissing　down　his　chest；　of　forcing　him　onto　his　back　on　the　deck；　and　the　next　thing　I　remembered　clearly　was　laying　a　gentle　kiss　beside　Gregory's　belly　button。　He　was　lying　on　his　back；　watching　me　with　unfocused　eyes。　I　was　lying　across　his　body；　pinning　his　legs；　my　nearly　naked　chest　pressed　over　his　groin。　I　didn't　remember　getting　there。　Shit。
　I　rolled　off　of　him；　and　Raina　came　like　heat；　racing　through　my　body；　drawing　my　mouth　down　to　his　hip；　licking　along　that　small　hollow　just　where　the　waist　meets　groin。　Gregory　writhed　under　the　stroke　of　my　mouth；　and　as　much　as　I'd　tried　to　ignore　it；　drew　our　gaze　to　his　groin。
　He　was　hard；　ready；　but　the　sight　of　him　pushed　Raina　back；　left　me　in　control；　not　because　it　was　embarrassing；　but　because　I　had　never　seen　Gregory　erect　before。　He　was　still　lovely　to　look　at；　but　he　was　an　odd　shape；　almost　hooked　at　the　end。　I　didn't　know　that　men　could　be　made　that　way；　and　it　stopped　me　cold。
　Raina　screamed　in　my　head；　roared　over　me　in　a　rush　of　body　memory。　The　memory　was　of　being　on　all　fours　with　a　man　riding　me　from　behind；　riding　Raina。　I　couldn't　see　who　it　was；　all　I　could　do　was　feel。　They'd　found　that　spot　in　a　woman's　body；　and　the　rush　of　orgasm　was　close。　Raina　threw　her　　our　　head　back；　a　rush　of　auburn　hair　flinging　free　of　our　face；　and　I　saw　Gregory's　reflection　in　the　room's　mirror。
　Raina　whispered　in　my　head；　〃It's　always　like　that　with　him　from　behind；　because　of　his　shape。〃
　I　tore　free　of　the　memory　and　found　myself　on　all　fours　beside　Gregory；　one　hand　on　his　body。　I　fell　back　from　him；　because　the　shared　memories　didn't　work　without　body　contact。
　I　turned　my　face　away　so　I　wouldn't　see　him　nude　and　ready；　because　I　could　still　feel　the　memory　of　him　inside　my　body；　Raina's　body。　A　hand　touched　my　bare　arm；　and　the　rush　of　memories　this　time　was　overwhelming。　I　was　there。
　He　filled　my　mouth；　my　throat；　came　inside　my　mouth　in　a　spill　of　thick　heat；　and　with　his　body　trembling；　thrashing；　teeth　tore　into　thick；　tender　flesh；　and　we　ate　him。　Blood　poured　upwards；　and　Raina　bathed　in　it。
　I　fought　free　of　it；　screaming；　shrieking；　and　someone　else　was　screaming　It　was　Gregory。　For　one　awful　second　I　opened　my　eyes；　because　the　memory　was　so　strong　I　couldn't　tell　the　difference　between　it　and　reality。　But　when　could　see　again；　he　was　whole；　crawling　away　from　me；　from　the　shared　memory。　Because　that　was　one　of　Raina's　gifts；　the　ability　to　share　the　horror。
　I　could　still　feel　the　thickness　of　meat　in　my　mouth；　taste　blood　and　thicker　things。　I　crawled　to　the　railing；　pulled　myself　up　and　lost　everything　I'd　eaten　that　day。
　Someone　came　up　behind　me；　and　I　put　out　a　hand；　head　still　dangling　over　the　dark　edge　of　the　deck。　〃Don't　touch　me。〃
　〃Anita；　it's　Merle。　Nathaniel　said　that　no　one　was　to　touch　you　that　had　ever　shared　a　。。。　〃　he　hesitated；　〃moment　with　the　old　lupa。　I　didn't　know　her。　She　can't　hurt　you　through　me。〃
　I　held　my　head　in　my　hands。　It　felt　like　it　was　going　to　split　apart。　〃He's　right。〃
　His　grip　on　my　shoulders　was　as　hesitant　as　his　words。　I　pushed　away　from　the　railing　and　the　world　swam。　Merle　caught　me；　held　me　against　his　chest。　〃It's　alright。〃
　〃I　can　still　taste　meat　and　blood　and　。。。　oh；　God！　God！〃　I　screamed　it；　and　it　didn't　help；　not　for　this。　Merle　held　me　against　his　chest；　tight；　my　hands　pinned　to　my　sides；　as　if　I'd　tried　to　hurt　myself。　I　didn't　think　I　had；　but　I　didn't　know　anymore。　Months　of　practice；　and　Raina　could　still　do　this　to　me。
　I　screamed　wordlessly　over　and　over　again；　as　if　I　could　scream　the　memory　out　of　me。　Every　time　I　drew　breath　I　could　hear　Merle　whispering；　〃It's　alright；　it's　alright；　Anita；　it's　alright。〃
　But　it　wasn't　alright。　What　Raina　had　just　shown　me　would　never　be　alright。　Merle　carried　me　into　the　bathroom；　and　I　didn't　protest。　Caleb　wet　a　cloth　and　put　it　on　my　forehead　without　a　word　of　teasing。　A　small　miracle；　but　not　the　one　we　needed。
　
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　RAINA　HAD　GONE；　fled　laughing；　pleased　with　herself。　God；　I　hated　that　woman。　I'd　already　killed　her；　it　wasn't　like　I　could　do　anything　else　to　her；　but　I　wanted　to。　I　wanted　her　to　hurt　like　she'd　hurt　so　many　others；　but　I　guess　it　was　a　little　late　for　that。
　Dr。　Lillian　was　shining　a　tiny　light　in　my　eyes　and　trying　to　get　me　to　follow　her　fingers。　I　wasn't　doing　a　good　enough　job　apparently；　because　she　wasn't　happy。　〃You　are　in　shock；　Anita；　and　so　is　Gregory。　He　was　a　little　shocky　before　you　began；　but　damn　it。〃
　I　blinked　and　tried　to　focus　on　her。　My　eyes　just　couldn't　settle　on　anything；　as　if　the　world　were　trembling；　but　that　made　no　sense。　Maybe　I　was　the　one　that　was　trembling？　I　couldn't　tell。　I　clutched　the　cover　they'd　put　around　me；　huddling　on　my　white　couch　amid　the　multicolored　pillows；　and　couldn't　get　warm。　〃What　are　you　saying；　doc？〃
　〃I'm　saying　that　Gregory's　chances　are　worse　than　fifty…fifty　now。〃
　I　blinked　and　fought　to　look　at　her；　meet　her　eyes；　to　think。　〃How　bad？〃
　〃Seventy…thirty；　maybe。　He's　curled　on　the　deck　in　a　blanket；　shivering　worse　than　you　are。〃
　I　shook　my　head；　and　couldn't　seem　to　stop。　I　closed　my　eyes；　forced　myself　to　be　still　for　a　second；　a　heartbeat。　I　spoke　without　opening　my　eyes。　〃I　saw　。。。　how　did　Gregory　heal　。。。　〃　I　stopped；　tried　again。　〃How　did　he　survive　。。。　what　she　did　to　him？〃
　〃We　can　regrow　any　body　part　short　of　decapitation；　unless　fire　is　added　to　the　wound　to　close　it。　We　can't　heal　burns；　unless　the　burned　flesh　is　pletely　removed；　in　effect　making　a　new　wound。〃　Her　voice　was　bitter；　fierce。　I'd　never　heard　her　so　angry。
　I　looked　up　at　her。　〃What's　wrong　with　you？〃
　Lillian　looked　down；　wouldn't　meet　my　eyes。　〃I　was　the　doctor　on　call　the　night　she　did　that　to　Gregory。　I　saw　the　reality；　not　just　a　memory。〃
　I　shook　my　head；　and　had　to　bury　my　chin　on　my　knees　to　stop　the　movement。　〃It　isn't　a　memory　with　the　munin；　doc；　it's　real。　It's　like　。。。　it's　like　a　live…action　movie；　but　with　me　in　the　movie。〃　I　hugged　my　knees　and　tried　desperately　not　to　think；　not　to　revisit　what　I'd　experienced。　I　was　actually　having　some　luck　being　absolutely　blank。　Even　my　mind　had　finally　found　something　so　terrible　it　couldn't　cope　with　it。　In　a　bizarre　way；　it　was　forting。　I'd　finally　found　a　line　that　I　could　not　cross。
　〃If　I　try　to　force　Gregory　into　animal　form　now；　it'll　probably　kill　him；〃　Dr。　Lillian　said。
　I　buried　my　face　into　my　knees；　hiding。　I　spoke　with　my　mouth　buried　against　the　thick　covers。　〃I　can't　try　again。〃
　〃No　one　is　asking　you　to　call　that　bitch　again。〃