lh.narcissusinchains-第63部分

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　〃And　we're　going　to　get　him　back。〃
　〃I　know　you've　had　a　hard　life。　I've　heard　some　of　the　stories；　but　you　talk　as　if　you're　young　and　naive。　Sometimes　no　matter　how　hard　you　try；　you　can't　save　everyone。〃
　It　was　my　turn　to　look　down。　〃I've　lost　people。　I've　failed　people；　and　they've　gotten　hurt；　and　dead。〃　I　raised　my　eyes　to　meet　his　gaze。　〃But　the　people　who　hurt　them；　killed　them；　they're　dead　too。　Maybe　I　can't　keep　everyone　safe；　but　I'm　damn　fine　at　revenge。〃
　〃But　the　harm　still　happens。　The　dead　don't　really　walk　again。　Zombies　are　just　corpses；　Anita。　They　aren't　the　people　you　lost。〃
　〃I　know　that　last　better　than　you　do；　Micah。〃
　He　nodded。　Some　of　the　terrible　tension　had　eased　away　from　him；　but　I　left　his　eyes　haunted　with　some　old　pain　that　was　still　raw。
　〃I've　done　everything　I　can　for　Gina　and　the　others；　and　it's　still　not　enough。　It　will　never　be　enough。〃
　I　touched　his　hands；　and　this　time　he　let　me　slide　my　hands　over　his。　〃Maybe　together　we　can　be　enough　for　them　all。〃
　He　searched　my　face。　〃You　really　mean　that；　don't　you？〃
　〃Anita　rarely　says　anything　she　doesn't　mean；〃　Rafael　said；　〃but　if　I　were　her；　I'd　ask　first　what　the　problems　are　before　I　promised　to　fix　them。〃
　I　had　to　smile。　〃I　was　just　about　to　ask；　what　is　Gina　into　that's　got　you　so　terrified？〃
　He　turned　his　hands　so　he　was　holding　mine　tight。　He　looked　into　my　eyes。　The　look　was　not　love；　or　even　lust；　but　so　serious。　〃Let's　save　your　leopard　first；　then　ask　me　again；　and　I'll　tell　you　all　of　it。〃
　The　car　slowed　and　turned。　Gravel　sounded　under　the　tires。　It　was　the　turn…off　to　the　farm　that　fronted　the　woods　around　the　lupanar。
　〃Tell　me　some　of　it　now；　Micah。　I　need　something　here；　now。〃
　He　sighed；　looked　down　at　his　clasped　hands；　then　up；　slowly　to　meet　my　eyes。　〃Once　we　were　taken　over　by　a　very　bad　man。　He　still　wants　us；　and　I'm　searching　for　a　home　strong　enough　to　keep　us　safe。〃
　〃Why　are　you　afraid　to　tell　me？〃
　His　eyes　widened　a　little。　〃Most　pards　don't　want　that　kind　of　trouble。〃
　I　smiled。　〃Trouble　is　my　middle　name。〃
　He　looked　a　little　puzzled。　I　guess　I　was　the　only　one　who　liked　film　noir。　〃I'm　not　going　to　kick　you　guys　out　because　of　some　asshole　alpha。　Let　me　know　which　way　the　danger's　ing　from；　and　I'll　deal　with　it。〃
　〃I　wish　I　had　your　confidence。〃
　There　was　a　weight　to　his　gaze　of　such　sorrow；　such　horrible　loss。　It　made　me　shiver　to　see　it；　and　he　let　go　of　my　hands；　sliding　away　from　me　just　before　Merle　opened　the　door　and　offered　a　hand　out。　He　didn't　take　the　hand；　but　he　slid　out　into　the　dark。
　Reece　followed　him　with　a　look　at　Rafael；　as　if　the　rat　king　had　told　him　to　get　out　and　give　us　some　privacy。　I　turned　to　Rafael。　〃You　have　something　to　say？〃
　〃Be　careful　of　that　one；　Anita。　None　of　us　know　him；　or　his　people。〃
　〃Funny；　I　was　pretty　much　thinking　the　same　thing。〃
　〃Even　though　he　can　make　your　beast　roil　through　your　body？〃
　I　met　his　dark；　dark　eyes。　〃Maybe　especially　because　of　that。〃
　Rafael　smiled。　〃I　should　know　by　now　that　you　are　not　a　person　to　let　her　affections　cloud　her　vision。〃
　〃Oh；　it　can　be　clouded；　but　never　for　long。〃
　〃You　sound　wistful；〃　he　said。
　〃Sometimes　I　wonder　what　it　would　be　like　to　actually　be　able　to　just　fall　in　love　and　not　weigh　the　risks　first。〃
　〃If　it　works　out；　it's　the　best　thing　in　the　world。　If　it　doesn't　work　out；　it's　like　having　your　heart　torn　out　and　chopped　up　into　little　pieces　while　you　watch。　It　leaves　a　big　hollow　space　that　never　really　heals。〃
　I　looked　at　him；　unsure　what　to　say；　but　finally；　〃You　sound　like　experience　talking。〃
　〃I've　got　an　ex…wife　and　a　son。　They　live　in　a　different　state；　as　far　away　from　me　as　she　could　drag　him。〃
　〃What　went　wrong；　if　you　don't　mind　me　asking？〃
　〃She　wasn't　strong　enough　to　handle　what　I　am。　I　didn't　hide　anything　from　her。　She　knew　everything　before　we　married。　If　I　hadn't　been　so　much　in　love　with　her；　I'd　have　seen　that　she　was　weak。　It's　my　job　as　king　to　know　who's　strong　and　who　isn't。　But　she　fooled　me；　because　I　wanted　to　be　fooled。　I　know　that　now。　She　is　what　she　is　　not　her　fault。　I　can't　even　regret　her　getting　pregnant　right　away。　I　love　my　son。〃
　〃Do　you　ever　get　to　see　him？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃I　get　to　fly　in　twice　a　year　and　have　supervised　visits。　She's　made　him　afraid　of　me。〃
　I　started　to　reach　out　to　him；　hesitated；　then　thought；　what　the　hell。　I　took　his　hand；　and　he　looked　startled；　then　smiled。　〃I'm　sorry；　Rafael；　more　than　I　can　ever　say。〃
　He　squeezed　my　hand　then　moved　back　from　me。　〃Just　thought　you　ought　to　know　that　falling　blindly　in　love　isn't　at　all　the　way　all　those　poems　and　songs　make　it　sound。　It　hurts　like　hell。〃
　〃I　did　fall　in　love　like　that　once；〃　I　said。
　He　raised　his　eyebrows　at　me。　〃Not　since　I've　known　you。〃
　〃No；　in　college。　I　was　engaged；　thought　it　was　true　love。〃
　〃What　happened？〃
　〃His　mom　found　out　my　mother　was　Mexican；　and　she　didn't　want　her　little　blond…haired；　blue…eyed；　family　tree　getting　contaminated。〃
　〃You　were　engaged　before　they'd　met　your　family？〃
　〃They'd　met　my　father　and　his　second　wife；　but　they　are　both　good　little　Aryans；　very　nordic。　My　stepmother　didn't　like　pictures　of　my　mother　being　out；　so　they　were　all　in　my　room。　I　wasn't　hiding　it；　but　that's　how　my　almost　mother…in…law　took　it。　Funny　thing；　her　son　knew。　I'd　told　him　the　whole　story。　It　hadn't　mattered　until　his　mom　threatened　to　cut　him　off　from　the　family　money。〃
　〃Now　I'm　sorry。〃
　〃Your　story　is　more　pitiful。〃
　〃That　doesn't　make　me　feel　better；〃　he　said；　smiling。
　I　smiled　back；　but　neither　of　us　really　looked　happy。　〃Ain't　love　grand？〃　I　said。
　〃You　can　answer　your　own　question　after　you　see　Richard　and　Micah　in　the　lupanar　together。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　don't　love　Micah；　not　really；　not　yet。〃
　〃But；〃　he　said。
　I　sighed。　〃But　I　almost　wish　I　did。　It　would　make　seeing　Richard　less　painful。　I　don't　know　how　I'm　going　to　feel　seeing　him　tonight　and　knowing　that　he's　not　mine　anymore。〃
　〃Probably　about　the　same　way　he'll　feel　when　he　sees　you。〃
　〃Is　that　supposed　to　make　me　feel　better？〃
　〃No；　it's　just　the　truth。　Remember　that　cutting　you　out　of　his　life　was　forced　on　him。　He　loves　you；　Anita；　for　better　or　worse。〃
　〃I　love　him；　but　I　won't　let　him　kill　Gregory。　And　I　won't　let　him　cost　Sylvie　her　life。　I　won't　let　him　take　the　pack　down　to　wrack　and　ruin　because　of　some　idealistic　set　of　rules　that　only　he　is　paying　attention　to。〃
　〃If　you　kill　Jacob　and　his　followers　without　Richard's　permission；　then　he　may　send　the　pack　after　you　and　your　leopards。　If　you　are　not　lukoi；　not　lupa；　then　to　let　their　deaths　go　unpunished　would　make　him　appear　so　weak　you　might　as　well　let　Jacob　kill　him。〃
　〃Then　what　am　I　supposed　to　do？〃
　〃I　don't　know。〃
　Merle　stuck　his　head　in　the　car。　〃We've　got　wolves　out　here。　Your　rats　are　holding　them　back；　but　they're　getting　impatient。〃
　〃We're　ing；〃　Rafael　said。　He　looked　across　the　seat　at　me。　〃Shall　we？〃
　I　nodded。　〃I　guess　it'd　be　silly　not　to　get　out　of　the　car。〃
　He　slid　out　to　the　edge　of　the　seat；　then　hesitated；　holding　his　arm　out　for　me。　Normally；　I　wouldn't　have　taken　it；　but　tonight　we　were　trying　for　a　show　of　solidarity　and　style。　So　I　stepped　out　of　the　car　on　the　rat　king's　arm；　like　a　trophy　wife　　except　for　the　wrist　sheaths　and　the　two　folding　knives　hidden　in　my　clothing。　Somehow　I　think　trophy　wives　wear　more　makeup　and　less　cutlery。　But；　hey；　I　haven't　ever　met　a　trophy　wife；　maybe　I'm　wrong。　Maybe　they　know　what　I　know；　that　the　true　way　to　a　man's　heart　is　six　inches　of　metal　between　his　ribs。　Sometimes　four　inches　will　do　the　job；　but　to　be　really　sure；　I　like　to　have　six。　Funny　how　phallic　objects　are　always　more　useful　the　bigger　they　are。　Anyone　who　tells　you　size　doesn't　matter　has　been　seeing　too　many　small　knives。
　
　22
　
　THE　CLEARING　WAS　huge；　but　not　huge　enough。　The　cars；　trucks；　and　vans　filled　most　of　the　available　ground；　some　parked　so　far　under　the　trees　that　the　paint　jobs　had　to　have　gotten　scratched　all　to　hell。　There　wasn't　room　for　all　the　wererats　to　park；　and　the　cars　filled　the　gravel　drive；　until　it　was　just　another　parking　lot。　Some　people　ended　up　parked　beside　the　road；　or　so　they　said；　as　they　drifted　up　through　the　trees。　Rafael　had　brought　all　his　rats　　about　two　hundred　of　them。　The　treaty　between　the　rats　and　wolves　dictated　that　their　numbers　had　to　top　at　two　hundred。　Rafael　had　agreed　to　that　on　the　understanding　that　the　much　larger　werewolf　pack　　six　hundred　or　so　　would　e　to　his　aid　if　needed。　No　questions　asked。　Your　enemies　are　my　enemies　sort　of　thing。　He'd　explained　that　in　the　last　few　minutes；　and　it　meant　that　he　was　risking　a　great　deal　tonight。　Made　me　feel　guilty。　Made　me　wish　I'd　found　a　way　to　sneak　a　gun　into　the　lupanar。　Truthfully；　I　hadn't　even　tried。　Was　I　growing　soft；　overconfident；　or　just　tired？
　The　tallest　woman　I'd　ever　seen　came　to　stand　beside　Rafael　and　me。　She　was　at　least　six　feet　six　inches；　broad…shouldered；　and　had　the　muscles　that　only　serious　weight　lifting　will　give　you。　She　was　wearing　a　black　sports　bra　across　her　tanned　chest　and　a　pair　of　faded　black　jeans。　Her　dark　hair　was　caught　back　in　a　tight　ponytail；　l