lh.narcissusinchains-第54部分

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e　out　of　the　coffin　a　starved；　crazed　thing。　There　will　be　very　little　left　of　him；　at　first。〃　He　was　so　calm　while　he　said　it。
　I　didn't　know　what　to　say。　I　wanted　to　hit　him；　but　it　wouldn't　change　anything。　I　wasn't　even　sure　it　would　make　me　feel　better。　〃I　want　him　out　tonight；　when　I　get　back　from　the　lupanar。〃
　〃You　will　not　be　able　to　tend　both　your　injured　wereleopard　and　Damian　tonight。　Ask　Asher；　and　he　will　tell　you　how　much　work　goes　into　such　as　this。　One　more　night　will　not　make　a　difference　to　Damian；　and　tonight　you　are　trying　to　prevent　war　between　the　leopards　and　the　wolves。　More　than　that；　you　are　trying　to　make　a　strong　enough　show　of　force　to　convince　Richard's　enemies　that　he　is　too　well…allied　to　be　killed。　You　must　concentrate　on　these　things　tonight；　ma　petite。〃
　〃I　don't　believe　you；〃　I　said。
　He　shrugged。　〃Believe　what　you　like；　but　it　will　take　hours　of　care　to　make　Damian　sane　again。　It　will　take　days　of　care；　and　blood；　and　warmth；　to　bring　him　back　to　himself。〃
　〃How　could　you　know　that　and　still　do　this　to　him？〃　My　voice　didn't　even　sound　angry；　just　tired。
　〃I　learned　the　lessons　of　the　cross…wrapped　coffin　personally；　ma　petite。　I　have　not　done　to　Damian　anything　that　has　not　been　done　to　me。〃
　〃You　were　in　it　for　a　few　days　until　I　killed　the　old　Master　of　the　City。〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃When　I　returned　to　the　Council　with　Asher　and　bargained　with　them；　the　price　for　them　saving　his　life　was　my　freedom。　I　spent　two　years　inside　a　coffin；　unable　to　feed；　unable　to　sit　up；　unable　。。。　〃　He　was　hugging　his　arms；　holding　himself。　〃I　know　that　what　I　have　done　to　Damian　is　a　terrible　thing；　but　my　only　alternative　was　to　kill　him。　Would　you　have　preferred　that？〃
　〃No。〃
　〃Yet；　I　see　the　accusation　in　your　eyes。　I　am　a　monster　because　of　what　I　have　done　to　him。　But　you　would　feel　me　more　a　monster　if　I　had　killed　him。　Or　perhaps　you　would　have　preferred　that　I　let　him　go　into　the　city　streets　and　slaughter　people。〃
　〃Damian　would　never　do　that。〃
　〃He　went　mad；　ma　petite。　He　became　an　alien。　Do　you　remember　the　couple　that　was　slaughtered　about　six　months　ago？〃
　〃I　saw　several　slaughtered　couples　over　the　last　year。　You'll　need　to　be　more　specific。〃
　He　was　angry　now；　too。　Great；　we　could　be　angry　together。　〃They　were　in　a　car；　at　a　stoplight。　The　front　of　the　car　was　dented　as　if　they　had　hit　a　body；　but　no　body　was　found。〃
　〃Yeah；　I　remember　that　one。　They　had　their　throats　torn　out。　The　woman　had　tried　to　defend　herself。　She　had　wounds　on　her　arms　where　something　had　clawed　at　her。〃
　〃Asher　found　Damian　wandering　a　few　blocks　from　the　car。　He　was　covered　in　blood。　He　fought　Asher；　and　it　took　over　half　a　dozen　of　us　to　bind　him　and　bring　him　home。　Was　I　supposed　to　let　him　wander　the　streets　after　that？〃
　〃You　should　have　called　me；〃　I　said。
　〃And　what？　You　would　have　executed　him？　If　insanity　is　a　viable　plea　in　your　court　system；　then　he　cannot　be　held　accountable。　But　your　court　system　does　not　give　us　the　same　privileges　it　gives　humans。　We　cannot　plead　insanity　and　live。〃
　〃I　saw　that　crime　scene。　It　didn't　look　like　a　vampire　did　it。　It　looked　more　like　a　shapeshifter；　but　。。。　but　the　marks　were　wrong。〃　I　shook　my　head。　〃It　was　vicious；　a　vicious　animal。〃
　〃Oui；　and　so　I　locked　him　away　and　hoped　that　you　would　e　home　to　us；　or　sense　his　plight。　At　first　I　did　nothing　to　block　him　from　reaching　you　but　you　did　not　e。〃
　〃I　didn't　know。〃
　〃You　knew　that　Damian　was　yours；　and　yet　you　did　not　ask　about　him。　You　cast　him　away。〃
　〃I　didn't　know；〃　I　said；　again；　each　word　tight　with　anger。
　〃And　I　had　no　choice；　Anita。　I　had　to　put　him　away。〃
　〃Do　you　think　the　insanity　is　permanent？〃
　He　shrugged；　arms　still　hugging　his　body。　〃If　you　were　a　vampire　and　he　your　vampire　child；　I　would　say　no。　But　you　are　not　vampire；　you　are　necromancer；　and　I　simply　do　not　know。〃
　〃If　he　stays　that　crazy　。。。　〃
　〃He　will　have　to　be　destroyed；〃　Jean…Claude　said；　voice　soft。
　〃I　didn't　mean　for　this　to　happen。〃
　〃Nor　did　I。〃
　We　stood　there　for　a　few　moments　while　I　thought　about　everything　and　Jean…Claude　either　thought　about　it；　too；　or　just　stood　there。　〃If　all　you're　saying　is　true；　then　you　had　no　choice；〃　I　said。
　〃But　you　are　still　angry　with　me。　You　will　still　punish　me　for　it。〃
　I　glared　up　at　him。　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　say？　That　knowing　you've　shoved　him　in　a　box　for　six　months　takes　the　sparkle　out　of　our　relationship？　Yeah；　it　bothers　me。〃
　〃Under　normal　circumstances　you　would　rescue　Damian　and　avoid　me　for　a　time　until　your　anger　cooled。〃
　I　nodded。　〃Yeah；　that's　about　right。〃
　〃But　you　will　need　me；　ma　petite；　in　these　first　few　nights。　You　will　need　another　vampire　with　the　same　hungers　to　teach　you　control。〃
　〃Can't　live　with　you；　can't　live　without　you；　is　that　it？〃
　〃I　hope　your　anger　cools　before　you　need　my　help　again；　but　I　fear　it　will　not。　Remember　this；　ma　petite；　that　the　ardeur　is　not　bound　by　morals；　or　even　by　your　preferences。　If　you　fight　it　long　enough；　hard　enough；　you　will　eventually　give　in；　and　it　will　be　out　of　your　control　who　it　chooses。　So　do　this　one　thing　for　me；　if　you　cannot　forgive　me　right　away；　keep　always　by　your　side　either　Nathaniel　or　the　Nimir…Raj。　Not　for　my　sake；　but　for　yours。　For　I　think；　of　the　two　of　us；　I　would　forgive　you　sooner　for　sleeping　with　strangers　than　you　would。〃
　We　pretty　much　left　the　conversation　there。　I　found　Asher　and　had　him　confirm　the　story。　Hell；　I　waited　for　Willie　McCoy　to　climb　out　of　his　coffin　and　heard　the　story　from　him。　Damian　had　gone　ape…shit　and　killed　a　couple　that　apparently　hit　him　with　their　car。　The　man　had　gotten　out　to　check　on　whoever　they　hit。　They　had　hurt　him　and　Damian　struck　out；　killing　the　man。　But　the　woman　。。。　he'd　climbed　into　the　car　after　her。　We　might　have　to　kill　him；　because　I　hadn't　understood　what　my　magic　meant　to　Damian。　I　hadn't　understood　a　lot　of　things。
　
　I　drove　out　in　the　soft　summer　dusk　with　Nathaniel　riding　beside　me。　It　had　been　a　very　long　day。　I　was　going　to　go　home　and　pick　up　Rafael　and　the　wererats；　and　Micah　and　his　pard。　He'd　left　a　number　at　the　shapeshifter　hospital；　and　I'd　called　for　it。　I　almost　didn't　call；　but　we　needed　backup　tonight。　My　embarrassment　was　a　small　price　to　pay。　If　I　had　been　in　contact　with　Jean…Claude　and　Richard　for　the　last　half　year；　I　probably　could　have　talked　Richard　out　of　doing　all　the　shit　he'd　done　to　his　pack。　I'd　e　home　to　try　and　reestablish　a　relationship；　or　two；　but　I　was　mostly　cleaning　up　the　mess　that　my　absence　had　made。　Richard　might　be　dead　at　the　full　moon；　and　Jacob；　Ulfric。　Damian　might　be　permanently　crazy　and　have　to　be　destroyed。　The　couple　that　had　hit　him　with　their　car　would　have　been　alive　if　I'd　known　what　the　hell　my　magic　was　doing。
　I'd　avoided　a　lot　of　Marianne's　teachings　because　it　was　too　much　like　pure　witchcraft　for　my　monotheistic　beliefs；　but　I　knew　now　that　I　had　to　understand　how　my　powers　worked。　I　couldn't　afford　to　be　squeamish。　God　kept　telling　me　I　was　okay　with　Him。　I　wasn't　evil。　But　at　some　level　I　didn't　believe　it。　At　some　level　I　thought　that　witchcraft；　raising　the　dead；　wasn't　very　Christian。　If　God　was　okay　with　me　doing　it；　then　what　was　my　problem？　I'd　prayed　about　it　often　enough　and　gotten　the　answer　more　than　once。　The　answer　was　to　do　it；　that　this　was　what　I　needed　to　be　doing。　If　God　was　for　it；　then　who　was　I　to　question　it？　Look　where　my　arrogance　had　gotten　us。　Two　dead；　one　crazy；　and　if　Richard　lost　the　pack　。。。　there'd　be　a　lot　more　dead。
　I　felt　a　quietness　inside　me　as　I　drove。　Usually　the　touch　of　God　is　golden　and　warm；　but　sometimes　when　I've　been　really　slow　and　not　picked　up　on　what　He's　wanted　for　me；　I　get　this　kind　of　quiet　sadness；　like　a　parent　watching　a　child　learn　a　necessary　hard　lesson。　I'd　never　once　prayed　to　God　about　Richard　and　Jean…Claude　　not　about　who　to　choose　anyway。　It　just　hadn't　seemed　right　to　ask　God　to　help　me　choose　a　lover；　especially　when　I　thought　I　knew　who　He'd　pick。　I　mean　vampires　are　evil；　right？
　But　driving　through　the　falling　darkness；　feeling　His　soft　presence　fill　the　car；　I　realized　that　I　hadn't　asked　because　I'd　been　afraid　of　the　answer。　I　drove　and　I　prayed；　and　I　didn't　get　an　answer；　but　I　knew　He　heard　me。
　
　20
　
　IT　WAS　FULL　dark　when　we　pulled　up　in　front　of　my　house。　Almost　every　light　in　the　house　was　on；　like　I　was　giving　a　party　and　no　one　had　bothered　to　tell　me。　The　driveway　was　full　and　overflowing　onto　the　road。　One　of　the　reasons　I'd　rented　the　house　was　because　I　had　no　near　neighbors　to　get　caught　up　in　whatever　crisis　I　was　having。　My　crises　usually　involved　gunfire；　so　no　neighbors　to　get　hurt　had　been　my　primary　requisite　in　a　house。　There　was　no　one　around　to　peek　out　a　window　and　wonder　what　the　hell　was　going　on　next　door。　Just　trees　and　the　lonely　road；　neither　of　which　cared　what　I　did。　Or　at　least　I　didn't　think　the　trees　cared；　though　Marianne　might　tell　me　I'm　wrong　on　that　one。　You　never　know。
　I　ended　up　parking　quite　a　ways　down　from　the　house；　with　nothing　but　trees　on　either　side　of　the　road。　I　turned　off　the　engine；　and　Nathaniel　and　I　sat　in　the　dark；　listening　to　the　engine　tick。　He　hadn't　said　much　since　I　came