lh.narcissusinchains-第47部分

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　I　just　stared　at　him。　〃No。　No；　I　would　never　。。。　〃
　He　touched　my　mouth　with　his　fingertip。　〃Ma　petite；　if　you　have　not　found　my　memories　of　my　first　days　with　this　inside　my　body；　then　it　is　a　blessing。　I　was　a　wanton　thing　before　I　became　a　vampire。　But　what　I　did　when　the　desire　first　fell　upon　me　。。。　The　desire　did　not　hit　me　at　once；　because　I　craved　blood　first；　then　when　that　quieted；　the　desire　rose　inside　me。〃　He　took　my　hands　in　his；　pressed　them　against　the　cool　flesh　of　his　chest。　〃I　did　things；　ma　petite；　things　that　even　to　a　hardened　libertine　were　humiliating。　A　look；　a　glance；　and　it　was　enough　to　bring　me　to　them。〃
　〃Didn't　Belle　Morte　try　to　protect　you？〃
　〃I　did　not　meet　Belle　until　I　had　been　dead　nearly　five　years。〃
　I　stared　at　him。　〃I　thought　Belle　was　your；　whatever；　that　she　made　you　into　a　vamp。〃
　〃Lissette　was　my　creator。　She　was　of　Belle's　line；　but　not　a　master　vampire；　not　by　any　stretch　of　the　definition。　In　France　it　is　customary　that　every　kiss　of　vampires　has　at　least　one　vampire　belonging　to　each　of　the　council　bloodlines。　Lissette　was　the　only　one　of　her　kind　in　a　nest　descended　mostly　of　far　less　pleasant　vampires。　Julian　was　her　Master　of　the　City；　and　he　was　my　first　true　master。　He　brought　in　people　for　me；　but　not　people　I　would　have　chosen。　He　brought　in　。。。　〃　Jean…Claude　shook　his　head。　〃He　amused　himself　at　my　expense；　because　he　knew　I　would　take　whatever　he　offered；　because　I　would　have　no　choice。　I　thought　I　had　no　room　for　embarrassment；　but　he　taught　me　that　there　were　things　I　did　not　want　to　do；　and　I　did　them　anyway。〃
　I　think　if　he　hadn't　been　shielding　so　strongly　that　I　would　have　seen　what　he　was　remembering；　but　he　didn't　want　me　to　see。
　〃Let　me　spare　you　such　degradation；　ma　petite。　You　are　not　as　I　was。　You　have　never　given　yourself　freely。　I　fear　what　you　would　do；　or　think　of　yourself；　if　you　did　these　things。　I　do　not　think　your　sense　of　yourself　would　survive　intact。〃
　〃You're　scaring　me；〃　I　said。
　〃Good；　you　should　be　frightened。　Asher　met　me　before　I　had　mastered　the　ardeur。　He　can　tell　you　what　I　was　like　then。〃
　I　just　looked　at　Asher。
　〃I　had　seen　the　ardeur　rise　in　others　before　Jean…Claude；　and　I　have　watched　it　since；　but　I　have　never　seen　anyone　so　crazed　by　it；〃　said　Asher。
　〃So　you　helped　him　learn　how　to　control　the　ardeur。〃
　〃Non。　Lissette　sent　to　Belle；　telling　her　of　Jean…Claude's　beauty。　I　was　sent　to；　how　would　you　say；　look　him　over　for　Belle。　I　advised　Belle　not　to　bring　Jean…Claude　and　his　master　to　court。〃
　〃Why？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　was　jealous　of　his　beauty　and　his　prowess。　After　ten　years　she　was　bored　with　me；　or　so　I　feared。　And　I　did　not　wish　the　petition。〃
　〃I　learned　to　control　the　ardeur　without　the　aid　of　another　who　had　experienced　it。　For　five　years　I　fed　on　flesh　as　I　fed　on　blood。　Only　then　did　I　master　the　ability　to　feed　from　a　distance。〃
　〃Five　years！〃　I　said。
　〃Belle　taught　me　true　control　of　the　ardeur；　and　I　was　not　hers　until　I　had　been　dead　five　years。　But　I　will　be　there　for　you　from　the　beginning。　It　will　not　be　as　it　was　for　me。〃　Jean…Claude　hugged　me　against　him；　and　that　scared　me　more。　〃I　would　never　have　married　the　marks　with　you　if　I　had　thought　you　could　inherit　my　incubus。　I　would　not　knowingly　have　done　this　to　you。〃
　I　pushed　away　from　him　and　found　him　crying；　and　the　fear　sat　like　stale　metal　on　my　tongue。　I　was　so　scared　my　body　went　quiet；　not　racing；　but　almost　as　if　every　beat　of　my　body；　every　breath；　had　simply　stopped；　and　all　there　was　to　fill　me　was　fear。
　〃What　have　you　done　to　me？〃
　〃I　thought　at　first　that　you　were　not　vampire；　and　it　would　not　be　a　true　hunger。　But　watching　you　today；　I　know　that　it　is　as　it　was　for　me。　You　must　feed。　You　must　not　deny　yourself。　To　do　so　is　to　court　madness；　or　worse。〃
　〃No；〃　I　said。
　〃If　you　had　withstood　the　Nimir…Raj's　advances；　then　I　would　say　that　your　strength　of　will　might　conquer　it。　If　you　had　withstood　the　desire　to　feed　on　Nathaniel；　I　would　say　you　would　master　it。　But　you　fed　on　him。〃
　〃I　did　not　have　sex　with　Nathaniel。〃
　〃No。　And　wasn't　what　you　did　instead　more　satisfying　to　some　part　of　you　than　mere　intercourse　would　have　been？〃
　I　started　to　say　no　and　stopped。　I　could　still　feel　Nathaniel's　flesh　in　my　mouth；　the　touch　of　his　skin　under　my　hands；　the　taste　of　his　blood　on　my　tongue。　The　memory　brought　the　hunger　over　me　in　a　hot　rush。　Not　merely　the　lust；　but　Jean…Claude's　craving　for　blood；　and　Richard's　beast　　or　my　beast　　wanting　to　take　that　last　bite　and　tear　flesh　for　real；　no　pretending；　no　holding　back。
　I　had　an　awful　idea。　〃If　I　deny　one　hunger　all　of　them　grow　worse；　don't　they？〃
　〃If　I　deny　the　lust；　I　need　more　blood；　and　the　reverse　is　true。〃
　〃I　don't　just　have　your　blood　lust；　Jean…Claude；　I　have　Richard's　beast　　or　mine。　I　wanted　to　tear　Nathaniel　up。　I　wanted　to　feed　on　him　for　real；　the　way　an　animal　does。　Will　that　grow　worse；　too？〃
　His　face　started　to　slip　back　into　careful；　neutral　lines。　I　grabbed　his　shoulders；　shook　him。　〃No！　No　more　hiding。　Will　it　grow　worse？〃
　〃I　have　no　way　of　knowing　for　certain。〃
　〃No　more　games！　Will　it　grow　worse？〃
　〃I　believe　so。〃　His　voice　was　very　soft　as　he　said　it。
　I　drew　back　from　him；　huddled　against　the　headboard；　stared　at　him；　waiting　for　him　to　say；　〃sorry；　just　kidding；〃　but　he　just　met　my　eyes。　I　stared　at　him；　because　I　didn't　want　to　see　anyone　else's　face。　If　I　saw　pity；　it　might　make　me　cry。　If　I　saw　lust；　it'd　make　me　mad。
　I　finally　said；　〃What　am　I　going　to　do？〃　There　was　no　inflection　in　my　voice；　just　a　dragging　tiredness。
　〃You　will　feed；　and　we　will　help　you。　We　will　keep　you　safe。〃
　I　finally　glanced　at　the　others。　Every　face　was　either　carefully　neutral　or；　in　Nathaniel's　case；　staring　down　at　the　bed；　as　if　he　didn't　trust　me　to　see　his　eyes。　Probably　smart　of　him。
　〃Fine；　but　I　think　we　can　do　better　than　condoms。〃
　〃What　do　you　mean；　ma　petite'？〃
　〃Nathaniel　can　put　his　shorts　on；　and　I'll　find　my　jammies。〃
　〃I　still　think　。。。　〃
　I　held　a　hand　up；　and　Jean…Claude　fell　silent。　〃They　can　put　them　on　underneath　their　clothes；　just　in　case；　but　I　know　that　if　I　tell　Nathaniel　not　to　。。。　that　he　won't。〃　I　frowned　at　Jason。
　〃I'll　be　good；〃　he　said。
　〃I　am　not　afraid　that　Nathaniel　will　disobey　you；　ma　petite。〃
　The　tone　in　his　voice　turned　me　from　Jason's　face　to　his。　〃What　do　you　mean？〃
　〃I　am　worried　that　he　will　indeed　do　everything　you　tell　him　to　do。〃
　We　stared　at　each　other　for　a　long　space　of　my　heartbeats。　I　understood　what　he　meant　now。　It　wasn't　the　boys　he　didn't　trust；　it　was　me。　I　would　have　liked　to　say；　I　would　never　ask　them　　either　of　them　　to　do　that　to　me；　but　there　was　something　in　Jean…Claude's　eyes；　some　knowledge；　some　sorrow；　that　kept　me　from　saying　it。
　〃How　much　control　am　I　going　to　lose？〃　I　asked　finally。
　〃I　do　not　know。〃
　〃I'm　getting　really　tired　of　hearing　you　say　that。〃
　〃And　I　of　saying　it。〃
　I　finally　asked　what　I　had　to　ask；　〃What　do　we　do　now？〃
　〃Our　pommes　de　sang　fetch　their　clothing　and　yours；　and　we　feed。〃
　And　as　much　as　I　hated　it；　as　much　as　I　wanted　to　deny　it；　I　knew　he　was　right。　I'd　been　trying　not　to　be　a　sociopath　because　it　made　me　a　monster。　I　Just　hadn't　known　what　I　was　saying。　I　needed　to　feed　off　humans；　lust　instead　of　blood　and　flesh；　but　it　was　still　feeding。　Being　a　sociopath　was　beginning　not　to　sound　so　bad。
　
　18
　
　SOMEWHERE　DURING　THE　dressing　process　I　came　to　my　senses。　I　stayed　up　against　the　headboard；　Asher's　robe　belted　securely　over　the　red　pajamas；　my　face　averted；　forehead　pressed　to　the　wood。　Control　was　the　heart　of　who　I　thought　I　was。　I　could　do　this；　or　rather　not　do　this。　I　had　to　try　and　let　this　pass　me　by；　because　to　do　anything　else　。。。　I　could　not　do　this。
　The　bed　moved；　and　just　the　sensation　of　the　men　moving　around　on　the　bed　was　enough　to　tighten　my　body；　speed　my　pulse。　Dear　God；　help　me。　This　couldn't　be　happening。　I'd　feared　ending　up　as　a　vampire。　I'd　e　close　many　times；　but　I'd　never　thought　it　would　happen　like　this。　I　was　still　alive；　still　human；　but　the　hunger　rose　inside　me　like　some　great　beast　trying　to　dig　its　way　out　of　me；　and　all　that　kept　it　from　surfacing　was　my　fingers　digging　into　the　wood；　my　forehead　pressed　against　the　carvings。　I　wasn't　sure　which　hunger　I　was　fighting。　But　the　ardeur　colored　all　of　it；　whether　I　was　craving　flesh；　or　blood；　the　sex　was　there　in　all　of　it。　I　couldn't　separate　them；　and　that　was　scary　all　on　its　own。
　I　felt　someone　crawling　towards　me；　and　I　knew　without　looking　that　it　was　Jean…Claude。　I　could　just　feel　him。
　〃Ma　petite；　all　is　prepared；　we　need　only　you。〃
　I　spoke　with　my　face　still　pressed　into　the　wood；　my　fingers　clinging　to　it。　〃Well；　then　you'll　just　have　to　do　without。〃
　I　felt　his　hand　hovering　over　my　shoulder；　and　I　said；　〃Don't　touch　me！〃
　〃Ma　petite；　ma　petite；　I　would　change　this　if　I　could；　but　I　cannot。　We　must　make　the　best　of　what　is　given　us。〃
　That　made　me　look　at　him。　His　face　was　too　close；　eyes　that　intense　midnight　blue；　hair　a　dark　glory　around　his　pale　face。　I　flashed　on　another　face　just　as　pale；　just　as　perfect；　with　a　wealth　of　black　hair；　but　with　eyes　a　rich　brown　like　dark　am