cb.damnationgame-第6部分
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ost stage…managed its final moments with his refusal to talk about Macnamara。 That way he had expected to nip any trial by hope in the bud。 In that； he'd failed。 No matter how he tried to forget the interview with Toy； he couldn't。 The encounter had thrown him badly off…balance； and his instability was as distressing as its cause。 He thought he had learned the art of indifference by now； the same way that children learned that hot water scalds： by painful experience。
He'd had plenty of that。 During the first twelve months of his sentence he'd fought against everything and everyone he'd encountered。 He'd made no friends that year； nor the least impression on the system； all he'd earned for his troubles were bruises and bad times。 In the second year； chastened by defeat； he'd gone underground with his private war； he'd taken up weight training and boxing； and concentrated on the challenge of building and maintaining a body that would serve him when the time for retribution came round。 But in the middle of the third year； loneliness had intervened： an ache that no amount of self…inflicted punishment （muscles driven to the pain threshold and beyond； day after day） could disguise。 He made a truce that year； with himself and his incarceration。 It was an uneasy peace； but things began to improve from then on。 He even began to feel at home in the echoing corridors； and in his cell； and in the shrinking enclave of his head； where most pleasurable experience was now a distant memory。
The fourth year had brought new terrors。 He was twenty…nine that year； thirty loomed； and he remembered all too accurately how his younger self； with time to burn had dismissed men his age as spent。 It was a painful realization； and the old claustrophobia （trapped not behind bars； but behind his life） returned more forcibly than ever； and with it a new foolhardiness。 He'd gained his tattoos that year： a scarlet and blue lightning bolt on his upper left arm； and 〃USA〃 on his right forearm。 Just before Christmas Charmaine had written to him to suggest that a divorce might be best； and he'd thought nothing of it。 What was the use？ Indifference was the best remedy。 Once you conceded defeat； life was a feather bed。 In the light of that wisdom； the fifth year was a breeze。 He had access to dope； he had the clout that came with being an experienced con； he had every damned thing but his freedom； and that he could wait for。
And then Toy had e along； and try as hard as he could to forget he'd ever heard the man's name； he found himself turning the half…hour of the interview over and over in his head； examining every exchange in the minutest detail as though he might turn up a nugget of prophecy。 It was a fruitless exercise； of course； but it didn't stop the rehearsals going on； and the process became almost forting in its way。 He told nobody； not even Feaver。 It was his secret： the room； Toy； Somervale's defeat。
On the second Sunday after the meeting with Toy Charmaine came to visit。 The interview was the usual mess； like a transatlantic telephone call…all the timing spoiled by the second delay between question and response。 It wasn't the babble of other conversations in the room that soured things； things were simply sour。 No avoiding that fact now。 His early attempts at salvage had long since been abandoned。 After the cool inquiries about the health of relatives and friends it was down to the nitty…gritty of dissolution。
He'd written to her in the early letters： You're beautiful； Charmaine。 I think of you at night； I dream about you all the time。
But then her looks had seemed to lose their edge…and anyway his dreams of her face and body under him had stopped…and though he kept up the pretense in the letters for a while his loving sentences had begun to sound patently fake； and he'd stopped writing about such intimacies。 It felt adolescent； to tell her he thought of her face； what would she imagine him doing but sweating in the dark and playing with himself like a twelve…year…old？ He didn't want her thinking that。
Maybe； on reflection； that had been a mistake。 Perhaps the deterioration of their marriage had begun there； with him feeling ridiculous； and giving up writing love letters。 But hadn't she changed too？ Her eyes looked at him even now with such naked suspicion。
〃Flynn sends his regards。〃 〃Oh。 Good。 You see him； do you？〃 〃Once in a while。〃 〃How's he doing？〃 She'd taken to looking at the clock； rather than at him； which he was glad of。 It gave him a chance to study her without feeling intrusive。 When she allowed her features to relax； he still found her attractive。 But he had； he believed； perfect control over his response to her now。 He could look at her…at the translucent lobes of her ears； at the sweep of her neck…and view her quite dispassionately。 That； at least； prison had taught him： not to want what he could not have。
〃Oh； he's fine…〃 she replied。
It took him a moment to reorientate himself； who was she talking about？ Oh； yes： Flynn。 There was a man who'd never got his fingers dirty。 Flynn the wise； Flynn the flash。
〃He sends his best；〃 she said。
〃You told me；〃 he reminded her。
Another pause； the conversation was more crucifying every time she came。 Not for him so much as for her。 She seemed to go through a trauma every time she spat a single word out。
〃I went to see the solicitors again。〃 〃Oh； yes。〃 〃It's all going ahead； apparently。 They said the papers would be through next month。〃 〃What do I do； just sign them？〃 〃Well 。 。 。 he said we needed to talk about the house； and all the stuff we've got together。〃 〃You have it。〃 〃But it's ours； isn't it？ I mean； it belongs to both of us。 And when you e out you're going to need somewhere to live； and furniture and everything。 〃 〃Do you want to sell the house？〃 Another wretched pause； as though she was trembling on the edge of saying something far more important than the banalities that would surely surface。
〃I'm sorry； Marty；〃 she said。
〃What for？〃 She shook her head； a tiny shake。 Her hair shimmered。
〃Don't know；〃 she said。
〃This isn't your fault。 None of this is your fault。〃 〃I can't help…〃 She stopped and looked up at him； suddenly more alive in the urgency of her fright…was that what it was； fright？…than she'd been in a dozen other wooden exchanges they'd endured in one chilling room or another。 Her eyes were liquefying； swelling up with tears。
〃What's wrong？〃 She stared at him： the tears brimmed。
〃Char 。 。 。 what's wrong？〃 〃It's all over； Marty；〃 she said； as though this fact had hit her for the first time； over； finished； fare thee well。
He nodded； 〃Yes。〃 〃I don't want you 。 。 。〃 She stopped； paused； then tried again。 〃You mustn't blame me。〃 〃I don't blame you。 I've never blamed you。 Christ； you've been here； haven't you？ All this time。 I hate seeing you in this place； you know。 But you came； when I needed you； you were there。〃 〃I thought it would be all right；〃 she said； talking on as though he'd not even spoken； 〃I really did。 I thought you'd be ing out soon…and maybe we'd make it work； you know。 We still had the house and all。 But these last couple of years； everything just started falling apart。〃 He watched her suffering； thinking： I'll never be able to forget this； because I caused it； and I'm the most miserable shit on God's earth because look what I did。 There'd been tears at the beginning； of course； and letters from her full of hurt and half…buried accusations； but this wracking distress she was showing now went so much deeper。 It wasn't from a twenty…two…year…old； for one thing； it was ing from a grown woman； and it shamed him deeply to think he'd caused it； shamed him in a way he thought he'd put behind him。
She blew her nose on a tissue teased from a packet。
〃Everything's a mess；〃 she said。
〃Yes。〃 〃I just want to sort it out。〃 She gave a cursory glance at her watch； too fast to register the time； and stood up。
〃I'd better go； Marty。〃 〃Appointment？〃 〃No 。 。 。〃 she replied； a transparent lie which she made no real effort to carry off； 〃might do some shopping later on。 Always makes me feel better。 You know me。〃 No； he thought。 No I don't know you。 If I once did； and I'm not even sure of that； it was a different you； and God I miss her。 He stopped himself。 This was not the way to part with her； he knew that from past encounters。 The trick was to be cold； to finish on a note of formality； so that he could go back to his cell and forget her until the next time。
〃I wanted you to understand；〃 she said。 〃But I don't think I explained it very well。 It's just such a bloody mess。〃 She didn't say goodbye： tears were beginning again； and he was certain that she was frightened； under the talk of solicitors； that she would recant at the last moment…out of weakness； or love； or both…and by walking out without turning around she was keeping the possibility at bay。
Defeated； he went back to the cell。 Feaver was asleep。 He'd stuck a vulva torn from one of his magazines onto his forehead with spit； a favorite routine of his。 It gaped…a third eye…above his closed lids； staring and staring without hope of sleep。
7
〃Strauss？〃 Priestley was at the open door； staring into the cel
