cb.damnationgame-第19部分
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No； not over。
Not quite over。 A cluster of unwele sensations swarmed over him； intruding on the privacy of his death。 A breeze warmed his face； assaulting his nerve endings。 An ungracious breath choked him； pressing into his flaccid lungs without the least invitation。
He fought the resurrection； but his Savior was insistent。 The room began to reassemble itself around him。 First light； then form。 Now color； albeit drained and grimy。 The noises…fiery rivers and liquid stone alike…were gone。 He was hearing himself cough； and smelling his own vomit。 Despair mocked him。 Could he not even kill himself successfully？
Somebody said his name。 He shook his head； but the voice came again； and this time his upturned eyes found a face。
And oh it was not over： far from it。 He had not been delivered into Heaven or Hell。 Neither would dare boast the face he was now staring up into。
〃I thought I'd lost you； Anthony；〃 said the Last European。
19
He had righted the chair Breer had used to stand on for his suicide attempt； and was sitting on it； looking as unsullied as ever。 Breer tried to say something； but his tongue felt too fat for his mouth； and when he felt it his fingers came back bloody。
〃You bit your tongue in your enthusiasm；〃 said the European。 〃You won't be able to eat or speak too well for a while。 But it'll heal； Anthony。 Everything heals given time。〃 Breer had no energy to get up off the floor； all he could do was lie there； the noose still tight around his neck； staring up at the severed rope that still depended from the light fixture。 The European had obviously just cut him down and let him fall。 His body had begun to shake； his teeth were chattering like a mad monkey's。
〃You're in shock；〃 said the European。 〃You lie there 。 。 。 I'll make some tea； shall I？ Sweet tea is just the thing。〃 It took some effort； but Breer managed to haul himself off the floor and onto the bed。 His trousers were soiled； front and back： he felt disgusting。 But the European didn't mind。 He forgave all； Breer knew that。 No other man Breer had ever met was quite so capable of forgiveness； it humbled him to be in the pany and the care of such easy humanity。 Here was a man who knew the secret heart of his corruption； and never once spoke a word of censure。
Propped up on the bed； feeling the signs of life reappearing in his wracked body； Breer watched the European making the tea。 They were very different people。 Breer had always felt awed by this man。 Yet hadn't the European told him once： 〃I am the last of my tribe； Anthony； just as you are the last of yours。 We are in so many ways the same〃？ Breer hadn't understood the significance of the remark when he'd first heard it； but he'd e to understand in time。 〃I am the last true European； you are the last of the Razor…Eaters。 We should try to help each other。 〃 And the European had gone on to do just that； keeping Breer from capture on two or three occasions； celebrating his trespasses； teaching him that to be a Razor…Eater was a worthy estate。 In return for this education he'd asked scarcely anything： a few minor services； no more。 But Breer wasn't so trusting that he didn't suspect a time would e when the Last European…please call me Mr。 Mamoulian； he used to say； but Breer had never really got his tongue around that ical name…when this strange panion would ask for help in his turn。 It wouldn't be an odd job or two he'd ask either； it would be something terrible。 Breer knew that； and feared it。
In dying he had hoped to escape the debt ever being called in。 The longer he'd been away from Mr。 Mamoulian…and it was six years since they'd last met…the more the memory of the man had e to frighten Breer。 The European's image had not faded with time： quite the contrary。 His eyes； his hands； the caress of his voice had stayed crystal…clear when yesterday's events had bee a blur。 It was as if Mamoulian had never quite gone； as though he'd left a sliver of himself in Breer's head to polish up his picture when time dirtied it； to keep a watch on his servant's every deed。
No surprise then； that the man had e in when he had； interrupting the death scene before it could be played out。 No surprise either that he was talking to Breer now as though they'd never been parted； as though he was the loving husband to Breer's devoted wife； and the years had never intervened。 Breer watched Mamoulian move from sink to table as he prepared the tea； locating the pot； setting out the cups； performing each domestic act with hypnotic economy。 The debt would have to be paid； he knew that now。 There would be no darkness until it was paid。 At the thought； Breer began to sob quietly。
〃Don't cry；〃 said Mamoulian； not turning from the sink。
〃I wanted to die；〃 Breer murmured。 The words came out as though through a mouthful of pebbles。
〃You can't perish yet； Anthony。 You owe me a little time。 Surely you must see that？〃 〃I wanted to die；〃 was all Breer could repeat in response。 He was trying not to hate the European； because the man would know。 He'd feel it for certain； and maybe lose his temper。 But it was so difficult： resentment bubbled up through the sobbing。
〃Has life been treating you badly？〃 the European asked。
Breer sniffed。 He didn't want a father confessor； he wanted the dark。 Couldn't Mamoulian understand that he was past explanations； past healing？ He was shit on the shoe of a mongol； the most worthless； irredeemable thing in creation。 The image of himself as a Razor…Eater； as the last representative of a once…terrible tribe； had kept his self…esteem intact for a few perilous years； but the fantasy had long since lost its power to sanctify his vileness。 There was no possibility of working the same trick twice。 And it was a trick； just a trick； Breer knew that； and hated Mamoulian all the more for his manipulations。 I want to be dead； was all he could think。
Did he say the words out loud？ He hadn't heard himself speak； but Mamoulian answered him as though he had。
〃Of course you do。 I understand； I really do。 You think it's all an illusion： tribes； and dreams of salvation。 But take it from me； it isn't。 There's purpose in the world yet。 For both of us。〃 Breer drew the back of his hand across his swollen eyes； and tried to control his sobs。 His teeth no longer chattered； that was something。
〃Have the years been so cruel？〃 the European inquired。
〃Yes；〃 Breer said sullenly。
The other nodded； looking across at the Razor…Eater with passion in his eyes； or at least an adequate impersonation of same。
〃At least they didn't lock you away；〃 he said。 〃You've been careful。〃 〃You taught me how；〃 Breer conceded。
〃I showed you only what you already knew； but were too confused by other people to see。 If you've forgotten； I can show you again。〃 Breer looked down at the cup of sweet； milkless tea the European had set on the bedside table。
〃…or do you no longer trust me？〃 〃Things have changed；〃 Breer mumbled with his thick mouth。
Now it was Mamoulian's turn to sigh。 He sat on the chair again； and sipped at his own tea before replying。
〃Yes； I'm afraid you're right。 There's less and less place for us here。 But does that mean we should throw up our hands and die？〃 Looking at the sober； aristocratic face； at the haunted hollows of his eyes； Breer began to remember why he'd trusted this man。 The fear he'd felt was dwindling； the anger too。 There was a calm in the air； and it was seeping into Breer's system。
〃Drink your tea； Anthony。〃 〃Thank you。〃 〃Then I think you should change your trousers。〃 Breer blushed； he couldn't help himself。
〃Your body responded quite naturally； there's nothing to be ashamed of。 Semen and shit make the world go round。〃 The European laughed； softly； into his teacup； and Breer； not feeling the joke to be at his expense； joined in。
〃I never forgot you；〃 Mamoulian said。 〃I told you I'd e back for you and I meant what I said。〃 Breer nursed his cup in hands that still trembled； and met Mamoulian's gaze。 The look was as unfathomable as he'd remembered； but he felt warm toward the man。 As the European said； he hadn't forgotten； he hadn't gone away never to return。 Maybe he had his own reasons for being here now maybe he'd e to squeeze payment out of a long…standing debtor； but that was better； wasn't it； than being forgotten entirely？
〃Why e back now？〃 he asked； putting down his cup。
〃I have business；〃 Mamoulian replied。
〃And you need my help？〃 〃That's right。〃 Breer nodded。 The tears had stopped entirely。 The tea had done him good： he felt strong enough to ask an insolent question or two。
〃What about me？〃 came the reply。
The European frowned at the inquiry。 The lamp beside the bed flickered； as though the bulb was at crisis point； and about to go out。
〃What about you？〃 he asked。
Breer was aware that he was on tricky ground； but he was determined not to be weak。 If Mamoulian wanted help； then he should be prepared to deliver something in exchange。
〃What's in it for me？〃 he asked。
〃You can be with me again；〃 the European said。
Breer grunted。 The offer was less than tempting。
〃Is that not enough？〃 Mamoulian wanted to know。 The lamplight was more fitf
