lmb.shardsofhonor-第9部分

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　〃Oh。〃　Her　throat　seemed　dry　and　thick　in　the　dusty　afternoon。　She　had　evoked　a　coldness　in　him；　so　that　the　film　of　sweat　on　his　forehead　seemed　suddenly　like　a　condensation。
　〃It's　been　on　my　mind。。。　You　were　talking　about　the　peculiar　things　people　do　in　a　panic；　earlier；　and　I　remembered　it。　Hadn't　thought　of　it　in　years。　When　Yuri's　men　blew　in　the　door…〃
　〃My　God；　you　weren't　present？〃
　〃Oh；　yes。　I　was　on　the　list　too；　of　course。　Each　assassin　was　assigned　a　particular　target。　The　one　assigned　to　my　mother…I　grabbed　this　knife；　a　table　knife；　by　my　plate；　and　struck　at　him。　But　right　in　front　of　me　on　the　table　there　had　been　a　good　carving　knife。　If　only　I　had　grabbed　it　instead。。。　I　might　as　well　have　struck　him　with　a　spoon。　He　just　picked　me　up；　and　threw　me　across　the　room…〃
　〃How　old　were　you？〃
　〃Eleven。　Small　for　my　age。　I　was　always　small　for　my　age。　He　cornered　her　against　the　far　wall。　He　fired　a。。。〃　He　sucked　his　lower　lip　between　his　teeth　and　chewed　it；　just　short　of　breaking　the　skin　to　bleed。　〃Odd　how　many　details　e　back　when　you　talk　about　something。　I　thought　I　had　forgotten　more。〃
　He　glanced　at　her　white　face；　and　grew　suddenly　contrite。　〃I've　disturbed　you；　with　this　babble。　I'm　sorry。　It　was　all　very　long　ago。　I　don't　know　why　I'm　talking　so　much。〃
　I　do；　thought　Cordelia。　He　was　pale　and　no　longer　sweating；　in　spite　of　the　heat。　Half…unconsciously；　he　fastened　the　top　of　his　shirt。　He　feels　cold；　she　thought；　fever　going　up。　How　far　up？　Plus　whatever　effect　those　pills　have。　This　could　get　very　scary。
　An　obscure　impulse　made　her　say；　〃I　know　what　you　mean；　though；　about　talking　bringing　it　back。　First　there　was　the　shuttle　going　up；　like　a　bullet　as　usual；　and　my　brother　waving；　which　was　silly；　because　he　couldn't　possibly　see　us…and　then　there　was　this　smear　of　light　across　the　sky；　like　a　second　sun；　and　a　rain　of　fire。　And　this　stupid　feeling　of　total　prehension。　You　wait　for　the　shock　to　set　in；　and　relieve　you…and　it　never　does。　Then　the　blank　vision。　Not　blackness；　but　this　silver…purple　glow；　for　days　after。　I　had　almost　forgotten　about　being　blinded；　till　just　now。〃
　He　stared　at　her。　〃That's　exactly…I　was　about　to　say；　he　fired　a　sonic　grenade　into　her　stomach。　I　couldn't　hear　anything　after　that　for　quite　some　time。　As　if　all　sound　had　gone　off　the　scale　of　human　reception。　Total　noise；　emptier　of　meaning　than　silence。〃
　〃Yes。。。〃　How　strange；　that　he　should　know　exactly　what　I　felt…he　says　it　better；　though。。。
　〃I　suppose　my　determination　to　be　a　soldier　stems　from　that　date。　I　mean　the　real　thing；　not　the　parades　and　the　uniforms　and　the　glamour；　but　the　logistics；　the　offensive　advantage；　the　speed　and　surprise…the　power。　A　better…prepared；　stronger；　tougher；　faster；　meaner　son…of…a…bitch　than　any　who　came　through　that　door。　My　first　bat　experience。　Not　very　successful。〃
　He　was　shivering；　now。　But　then；　so　was　she。　They　walked　on；　and　she　sought　to　turn　the　subject。　〃I've　never　been　in　bat。　What's　it　like？〃
　He　paused　thoughtfully。　Measuring　me　again；　thought　Cordelia。　And　sweating；　fever　must　be　topping　out；　for　the　moment；　thank　heavens。
　〃At　a　distance；　in　space；　there's　the　illusion　of　a　clean　and　glorious　fight。　Almost　abstract。　It　might　be　a　simulation；　or　a　game。　Reality　doesn't　break　in　unless　your　ship　is　hit。〃　He　gazed　at　the　ground　in　front　of　him；　as　if　choosing　his　path；　but　the　ground　was　very　level　there。　〃Murder…murder　is　different。　That　day　at　Komarr；　when　I　killed　my　Political　Officer…I　was　angrier　that　day　than　the　day　I…than　another　time。　But　close　up；　feeling　the　life　pass　out　under　your　hands；　seeing　that　blank　unoccupied　corpse；　you　see　your　own　death　in　the　face　of　your　victim。　Yet　he　had　betrayed　my　honor。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　quite　understand　that。〃
　〃Yes。　Anger　seems　to　make　you　stronger；　not　weaker　like　me。　I　wish　I　understood　how　you　do　that。〃
　It　was　another　one　of　his　weird　unmanageable　pliments。　She　fell　silent；　looking　at　her　feet；　the　mountain　ahead；　the　sky；　anywhere　but　his　unreadable　face。　So　she　was　the　first　to　notice　the　contrail　glowing　in　the　westering　sun。
　〃Hey；　does　that　look　like　a　shuttle　up　there　to　you？〃
　〃Indeed　it　does。　Let's　watch　from　the　shade　of　that　big　bush；〃　directed　Vorkosigan。
　〃Don't　you　want　to　try　and　attract　their　attention？〃
　〃No。〃　He　turned　his　hand　palm　up　in　response　to　her　look　of　inquiry。　〃My　best　friends　and　my　deadliest　enemies　all　wear　the　same　uniform。　I　prefer　to　make　my　presence　known　as　selectively　as　possible。〃
　They　could　hear　the　distant　roar　of　the　shuttle's　engines　now　as　it　vanished　behind　the　grey…green　wooded　mountain　to　the　west。
　〃They　seem　to　be　headed　for　the　cache；〃　mented　Vorkosigan。　〃That　plicates　things。〃　He　pressed　his　lips。　〃What　are　they　doing　back　there；　I　wonder？　Could　Gottyan　have　found　the　sealed　orders？〃
　〃Surely　he'd　inherit　all　your　orders。〃
　〃Yes；　but　I　didn't　have　my　files　in　the　standard　location；　not　wishing　to　share　all　my　affairs　with　the　Council　of　Ministers。　I　don't　think　Korabik　Gottyan　could　find　what　eludes　Radnov。　Radnov's　a　clever　spy。〃
　〃Is　Radnov　a　tall；　broad…shouldered　man　with　a　face　like　an　axeblade？〃
　〃No；　that　sounds　like　Sergeant　Bothari。　Where　did　you　see　him？〃
　〃He　was　the　man　who　shot　Dubauer；　in　the　woods　by　the　ravine。〃
　〃Oh；　really？〃　Vorkosigan's　eyes　lit；　and　he　smiled　wolfishly。　〃Much　bees　clear。〃
　〃Not　to　me；〃　Cordelia　prodded。
　〃Sergeant　Bothari　is　a　very　strange　man。　I　had　to　discipline　him　rather　severely　last　month。〃
　〃Severely　enough　to　make　him　a　candidate　for　Radnov's　conspiracy？〃
　〃I'll　wager　Radnov　thought　so。　I'm　not　sure　I　can　make　you　understand　about　Bothari。　Nobody　else　seems　to。　He's　a　superb　ground　bat　soldier。　He　also　hates　my　guts；　as　you　Betans　would　phrase　it。　He　enjoys　hating　my　guts。　It　seems　to　be　necessary　for　his　ego；　somehow。〃
　〃Would　he　shoot　you　in　the　back？〃
　〃Never。　Strike　me　in　the　face；　yes。　In　fact；　it　was　for　decking　me　that　he　was　disciplined　last　time。〃　Vorkosigan　rubbed　his　jaw　thoughtfully。　〃But　arming　him　to　the　teeth　and　leading　him　into　battle　at　my　back　is　perfectly　safe。〃
　〃He　sounds　like　an　absolute　looney。〃
　〃Odd；　a　number　of　people　have　said　that。　I　like　him。〃
　〃And　you　accuse　us　Betans　of　running　a　circus。〃
　Vorkosigan　shrugged；　amused。　〃Well；　it's　useful　for　me　to　have　someone　to　work　out　with　who　doesn't　pull　his　punches。　Surviving　hand…to…hand　bat　practice　with　Bothari　gives　me　a　real　edge。　I　prefer　to　keep　that　phase　of　our　relationship　confined　to　the　practice　ring；　however。　I　can　imagine　how　Radnov　might　be　misled　into　including　Bothari　without　examining　his　politics　too　closely。　He　acts　like　just　the　sort　of　fellow　one　might　stick　with　the　dirty　work…by　God；　I'll　bet　that's　just　what　Radnov　did！　Good　old　Bothari。〃
　Cordelia　glanced　at　Dubauer；　standing　blankly　beside　her。　〃I'm　afraid　I　can't　share　your　enthusiasm。　He　nearly　killed　me。〃
　〃I　can't　pretend　he's　a　moral　or　intellectual　giant。　He's　a　very　plex　man　with　a　very　limited　range　of　expression；　who's　had　some　very　bad　experiences。　But　in　his　own　twisty　way；　he's　honorable。〃
　The　ground　rose　almost　imperceptibly　as　they　approached　the　mountain's　base。　The　change　was　marked　by　the　gradual　encroachment　of　vegetation；　thin　woods　watered　by　a　multitude　of　small　springs　from　the　mountains　secret　sources。　They　struck　south　around　the　base　of　the　dusty　green　cone　that　rose　steeply　some　1500　meters　above　the　more　gradually　sloping　shoulderland。
　Pulling　the　stumbling　Dubauer　along；　Cordelia　mentally　cursed；　for　what　seemed　the　thousandth　time；　Vorkosigan's　choice　of　weapons。　When　the　ensign　fell；　cutting　his　forehead；　her　grief　and　irritation　erupted　into　words。
　〃Why　can't　you　people　use　civilized　weapons；　anyway？　I'd　as　soon　give　a　disruptor　to　a　chimpanzee　as　a　Barrayaran。　Trigger…happy　goons。〃　Dubauer　sat　dizzily；　and　she　mopped　at　the　blood　with　her　dirty　handkerchief；　then　sat　too。
　Vorkosigan　lowered　himself　awkwardly　to　the　ground　beside　them；　bad　leg　out　straight；　silently　endorsing　the　break。　He　gazed　at　her　tense　unhappy　face；　and　offered　her　a　serious　answer。
　〃I　have　an　aversion　to　stunners；　in　that　sort　of　situation；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃Nobody　hesitates　to　rush　one；　and　if　there　are　enough　of　them　they　can　always　get　it　away　from　you　in　the　end。　I've　seen　men　killed；　relying　on　stunners；　who　could　have　walked　right　through　with　a　disruptor　or　plasma　arc。　A　disruptor　has　real　authority。〃
　〃On　the　other　hand；　nobody　hesitates　to　fire　a　stunner；〃　said　Cordelia　suggestively。　〃And　it　gives　you　a　margin　for　error。〃
　〃What；　would　you　hesitate　to　fire　a　disruptor？〃
　〃Yes。　I　might　as　well　not　have　it　at　all。〃
　〃Ah。〃
　Curiosity　prodded　her；　mulling　on　his　words。　〃How　in　the　world　did　they　kill　him　with　a　stunner；　the　man　you　saw？〃
　〃They　didn't　kill　him　with　the　stunner。　After　they　took　it　away　from　him　they　kicked　him　to　death。〃
　〃Oh。〃　Cordelia's　stomach　tightened。　〃Not…not　a　friend　of　yours；　I　hope。〃
　〃As　it　happens；　he　was。　He　shared　something　of　your　attitude　toward　weaponry。　Soft。〃　He　frowned　into　the　distance。
　They　struggled　up；　and　trudged　on　through　the　woods。　The　Barrayaran　tried　to　help　her　more　with　Dubauer；　for　a　time。　But　Dubauer　recoiled　from