璇玑之心刃·冷血悍将-第148部分

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ivion；　a　short…term　liberation　from　her　fear；　that　was　all　…　and　that　was　something　they　had　no　interest　in　granting　her。　She　could　see　more　than　they　knew　or　would　have　expected；　she　could　peer　into　the　future；　but　that　was　little　consolation。　Sooner　or　later　she　would　be　caught　by　the　police。　She‘d　been　arrested　before；　but　not　for　something　of　this　magnitude；　and　she‘d　go　away　for　a　long　time　for　this。　The　police　would　try　to　get　her　to　talk；　promise　her　protection。　She　knew　better。　Twice　now　she‘d　seen　friends　die。　Friends？　As　close　to　that　as　was　possible；　someone　to　talk　to；　someone　who　shared　her　life；　such　as　it　was；　and　even　in　this　captivity　there　were　little　jokes；　small　victories　against　the　forces　that　ruled　her　existence；　like　distant　lights　in　a　gloomy　sky。　Someone　to　cry　with。　But　two　of　them　were　dead；　and　she‘d　watched　them　die；　sitting　there；　drugged　but　unable　to　sleep　and　blot　it　out；　the　horror　so　vast　that　it　became　numbing；　watching　their　eyes；　seeing　and　feeling　the　pain；　knowing　that　she　could　do　nothing；　knowing　even　that　they　knew　it　as　well。　A　nightmare　was　bad　enough；　but　one　of　those　couldn‘t　reach　out　and　touch　you。　You　could　wake　up　and　flee　from　one　of　those。　Not　this。　She　could　watch　herself　from　outside；　as　though　she　were　a　robot　outside　her　own　mand　but　not　that　of　others。　Her　body　would　not　move　unless　others　manded　it；　and　she　even　had　to　conceal　her　thoughts；　was　even　afraid　to　voice　them　within　her　own　mind　lest　they　hear　them　or　see　them　on　her　face；　but　now；　try　as　she　might；　she　could　not　force　them　away。
Rick　lay　next　to　her；　breathing　slowly　in　the　darkness。　Part　of　her　liked　Rick。　He　was　the　gentlest　of　them；　and　sometimes　she　allowed　herself　to　think　that　he　liked　her；　maybe　a　little；　because　he　didn‘t　beat　her　badly。　She　had　to　stay　in　line；　of　course；　because　his　anger　was　every　bit　as　bad　as　Billy‘s；　and　so　around　Rick　she　tried　very　hard　to　be　good。　Part　of　her　knew　that　it　was　foolish；　but　her　reality　was　defined　by　other　people　now。　And　she‘d　seen　the　results　of　real　resistance。　After　one　especially　bad　night　Pam　had　held　her；　and　whispered　her　desires　to　escape。　Later；　Doris　had　prayed　that　she　had　gotten　away；　that　there　might　be　hope　after　all；　only　to　see　her　dragged　in　and　to　watch　her　die；　sitting　helplessly　fifteen　feet　away　while　they　did　everything　to　her　that　they　could　imagine。　Watching　her　life　end；　her　body　convulsing　from　lack　of　oxygen　with　the　man‘s　face　staring　at　her；　laughing　at　her　from　an　inch　away。　Her　only　act　of　resistance；　thankfully　unnoticed　by　the　men；　had　been　to　brush　out　her　friend‘s　hair；　crying　all　the　while；　hoping　somehow　that　Pam　would　know　there　was　someone　who　cared；　even　in　death。　But　the　gesture　had　seemed　empty　even　as　she‘d　done　it；　making　her　tears　all　the　more　bitter。
What　had　she　done　wrong？　Doris　wondered；　how　badly　had　she　offended　God　that　her　life　should　be　this　way？　How　could　anyone　possibly　deserve　such　a　bleak　and　hopeless　existence？
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‘I‘m　impressed；　John；‘　Rosen　said；　staring　at　his　patient。　Kelly　sat　on　the　examining　table；　his　shirt　off。　‘What　have　you　been　doing？‘
‘Five…mile　swim　for　the　shoulders。　Better　than　weights；　but　a　little　of　that；　too；　in　the　evening。　A　little　running。　About　what　I　used　to　do　back　in　the　old　days。‘
‘I　wish　I　had　your　blood　pressure；‘　the　surgeon　observed；　removing　the　cuff。　He‘d　done　a　major　procedure　that　morning；　but　he　made　time　for　his　friend。
‘Exercise；　Sam；‘　Kelly　advised。
‘I　don‘t　have　the　time；　John；‘　the　surgeon　said　…　rather　weakly；　both　thought。
‘A　doc　should　know　better。‘
‘True；‘　Rosen　conceded。　‘How　are　you　otherwise？‘
The　reply　was　just　a　look；　neither　a　smile　nor　a　grimace；　just　a　neutral　expression　that　told　Rosen　all　he　needed　to　know。　One　more　try：　‘There‘s　an　old　saying：　Before　setting　out　on　revenge；　dig　two　graves。‘
‘Only　two？‘　Kelly　asked　lightly。
Rosen　nodded。　‘I　read　the　post　report；　too。　I　can‘t　talk　you　out　of　it？‘
‘How‘s　Sarah？‘
Rosen　accepted　the　deflection　with　good　grace。　‘Deep　into　her　project。　She‘s　excited　enough　that　she‘s　telling　me　about　it。　It‘s　pretty　interesting　stuff。‘
Just　then　Sandy　O‘Toole　came　in。　Kelly　startled　both　of　them　by　lifting　his　T…shirt　and　covering　his　chest。　‘Please！‘
The　nurse　was　so　startled　that　she　laughed；　and　so　did　Sam　until　he　realized　that　Kelly　was　indeed　ready　for　whatever　he　was　planning。　The　conditioning；　the　looseness；　the　steady；　serious　eyes　that　changed　to　mirth　when　he　wanted　them　to。　Like　a　surgeon；　Rosen　thought；　and　what　a　strange　thought　that　was；　but　the　more　he　looked　at　this　man；　the　more　intelligence　he　saw。
‘You‘re　looking　healthy　for　a　guy　who　got　shot　a　few　weeks　ago；‘　O‘Toole　said　with　a　friendly　look。
‘Clean　living；　ma‘am。　Only　one　beer　in　thirty…some　days。‘
‘Mrs　Lott　is　conscious　now；　Doctor　Rosen；‘　the　nurse　reported。　‘Nothing　unusual；　she　appears　to　be　doing　fine。　Her　husband‘s　been　in　to　see　her。　I　think　he‘ll　be　okay；　too。　I　had　my　doubts。‘　
‘Thanks；　Sandy。‘
‘Well；　John；　you‘re　healthy；　too。　Put　your　shirt　on　before　Sandy　starts　blushing；‘　Rosen　added　with　a　chuckle。
‘Where　do　you　get　lunch　around　here？‘　Kelly　asked。
‘I‘d　show　you　myself；　but　I　have　a　conference　in　about　ten　minutes。　Sandy？‘
She　checked　her　watch。　‘About　time　for　mine。　You　want　to　risk　hospital　food　or　something　outside？‘
‘You‘re　the　tour　guide；　ma‘am。‘
She　guided　him　to　the　cafeteria；　where　the　food　was　hospital…bland；　but　you　could　add　salt　and　other　spices　if　you　wanted。　Kelly　selected　something　that　might　be　filling；　even　healthy；　to　pensate　for　the　lack　of　taste。
‘Have　you　been　keeping　busy？‘　he　asked　after　they　selected　a　table。
‘Always；‘　Sandy　assured　him。
‘Where　do　you　live？‘
‘Off　Loch　Raven　Boulevard；　just　in　the　County。‘　She　hadn‘t　changed；　Kelly　saw。　Sandy　O‘Toole　was　functioning；　quite　well　in　fact；　but　the　emptiness　in　her　life　wasn‘t　qualitatively　different　from　his。　The　real　difference　was　that　he　could　do　something；　she　could　not。　She　was　reaching　out；　she　had　a　capacity　for　good　humor；　but　her　grief　overcame　it　at　every　turn。　A　powerful　force；　grief。　There　were　advantages　in　having　enemies　you　could　seek　out　and　eliminate。　Fighting　a　shadow　was　far　more　difficult。
‘Row　house；　like　they　have　around　here？‘
‘No；　it‘s　an　old　bungalow；　whatever　you　call　it；　big　square　two…story　house。　Half　an　acre。　That　reminds　me；‘　she　added。　‘I　have　to　cut　the　grass　this　weekend。‘　Then　she　remembered　that　Tim　had　liked　cutting　grass；　had　decided　to　leave　the　Army　after　his　second　Vietnam　tour　and　get　his　law　degree　and　live　a　normal　kind　of　life；　all　of　that　taken　away　from　her　by　little　people　in　a　distant　place。
Kelly　didn‘t　know　what　she　was　thinking；　exactly；　but　he　didn‘t　have　to。　The　change　in　her　expression；　the　way　her　voice　trailed　off；　said　it　all。　How　to　cheer　her　up？　It　was　a　strange　question　for　him；　considering　his　plans　for　the　next　few　weeks。
‘You　were　very　kind　to　me　while　I。　was　upstairs。　Thanks。‘
‘We　try　to　take　care　of　our　patients；‘　she　said　with　a　friendly　and　unaccustomed　expression。
‘A　face　as　pretty　as　yours　should　do　that　more；‘　Kelly　told　her。
‘Do　what？‘
‘Smile。‘
‘It‘s　hard；‘　she　said；　serious　again。
‘I　know；　ma‘am。　But　I　did　have　you　laughing　before；‘　Kelly　told　her。
‘You　surprised　me。‘
‘It‘s　Tim；　isn‘t　it？‘　he　asked；　jolting　her。　People　weren‘t　supposed　to　talk　about　that；　were　they？
She　stared　into　Kelly‘s　eyes　for　perhaps　five　seconds。　‘I　just　don‘t　understand。‘
‘In　some　ways　it‘s　easy。　In　some　ways　it‘s　hard。　The　hard　part；‘　Kelly　said；　thinking　it　through　himself　as　he　did　so；　‘is　understanding　why　people　make　it　necessary；　why　people　do　things　like　that。　What　it　es　down　to　is；　there　are　bad　people　out　there；　and　somebody　has　to　deal　with　them；　‘cuz　if　you　don‘t；　then　someday　they‘ll　deal　with　you。　You　can　try　ignoring　them；　but　that　doesn‘t　ever　work；　really。　And　sometimes　you　see　things　you　just　can‘t　ignore。‘　Kelly　leaned　back；　searching　for　more　words。　‘You　see　lots　of　bad　things　here；　Sandy。　I‘ve　seen　worse。　I‘ve　watched　people　doing　things　…‘
‘Your　nightmare？‘
Kelly　nodded。　‘That‘s　right。　I　almost　got　myself　killed　that　night。‘
‘What　was　…‘
‘You　don‘t　want　to　know；　honest。　I　mean；　I　don‘t　understand　that　part　either；　how　people　can　do　things　like　that。　Maybe　they　believe　in　something　so　much　that　they　stop　remembering　that　it‘s　important　to　be　human。　Maybe　they　want　something　so　much　that　they　don‘t　care。　Maybe　there‘s　just　something　wrong　with　them；　how　they　think；　how　they　feel。　I　don‘t　know。　But　what　they　do　is　real。　Somebody　has　to　try　and　stop　it。‘　Even　when　you　know　it‘s　not　going　to　work；　Kelly　didn‘t　have　the　heart　to　add。　How　could　he　tell　her　that　her　husband　had　died　for　a　failure？
‘My　husband　was　a　knight　in　shiny　armor　on　a　white　horse？　Is　that　what　you‘re　telling　me？‘
‘You‘re　the　one　wearing　white；　Sandy。　You　fight　against　one　kind　of　enemy。　There‘s　other　kinds。　Somebody　has　to　fight　against　them；　too。‘
‘I‘ll　never　understand　why　Tim　had　to　die。‘
It　really　came　down　to　that；　Kelly　thought。　It　wasn‘t　about　great　political　or　social　issues。　Everyone　had　a　life；　which　was　sup