简爱(英文版)-第75部分

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there　would　e　a　knot　and　a　puzzle：　here　it　is。　Now　for　vexation；　and　exasperation；　and　endless　trouble！　By　God！　I　long　to　exert　a　fraction　of　Samson’s　strength；　and　break　the　entanglement　like　tow！”
He　remenced　his　walk；　but　soon　again　stopped；　and　this　time　just　before　me。
“Jane！　will　you　hear　reason？”　（he　stooped　and　approached　his　lips　to　my　ear）；　“because；　if　you　won’t；　I’ll　try　violence。”　His　voice　was　hoarse；　his　look　that　of　a　man　who　is　just　about　to　burst　an　insufferable　bond　and　plunge　headlong　into　wild　license。　I　saw　that　in　another　moment；　and　with　one　impetus　of　frenzy　more；　I　should　be　able　to　do　nothing　with　him。　The　present—the　passing　second　of　time—was　all　I　had　in　which　to　control　and　restrain　him—a　movement　of　repulsion；　flight；　fear　would　have　sealed　my　doom；—and　his。　But　I　was　not　afraid：　not　in　the　least。　I　felt　an　inward　power；　a　sense　of　influence；　which　supported　me。　The　crisis　was　perilous；　but　not　without　its　charm：　such　as　the　Indian；　perhaps；　feels　when　he　slips　over　the　rapid　in　his　canoe。　I　took　hold　of　his　clenched　hand；　loosened　the　contorted　fingers；　and　said　to　him；　soothingly—
“Sit　down；　I’ll　talk　to　you　as　long　as　you　like；　and　hear　all　you　have　to　say；　whether　reasonable　or　unreasonable。”
He　sat　down：　but　he　did　not　get　leave　to　speak　directly。　I　had　been　struggling　with　tears　for　some　time：　I　had　taken　great　pains　to　repress　them；　because　I　knew　he　would　not　like　to　see　me　weep。　Now；　however；　I　considered　it　well　to　let　them　flow　as　freely　and　as　long　as　they　liked。　If　the　flood　annoyed　him；　so　much　the　better。　So　I　gave　way　and　cried　heartily。
Soon　I　heard　him　earnestly　entreating　me　to　be　posed。　I　said　I　could　not　while　he　was　in　such　a　passion。
“But　I　am　not　angry；　Jane：　I　only　love　you　too　well；　and　you　had　steeled　your　little　pale　face　with　such　a　resolute；　frozen　look；　I　could　not　endure　it。　Hush；　now；　and　wipe　your　eyes。”
His　softened　voice　announced　that　he　was　subdued；　so　I；　in　my　turn；　became　calm。　Now　he　made　an　effort　to　rest　his　head　on　my　shoulder；　but　I　would　not　permit　it。　Then　he　would　draw　me　to　him：　no。
“Jane！　Jane！”　he　said；　in　such　an　accent　of　bitter　sadness　it　thrilled　along　every　nerve　I　had；　“you　don’t　love　me；　then？　It　was　only　my　station；　and　the　rank　of　my　wife；　that　you　valued？　Now　that　you　think　me　disqualified　to　bee　your　husband；　you　recoil　from　my　touch　as　if　I　were　some　toad　or　ape。”
These　words　cut　me：　yet　what　could　I　do　or　I　say？　I　ought　probably　to　have　done　or　said　nothing；　but　I　was　so　tortured　by　a　sense　of　remorse　at　thus　hurting　his　feelings；　I　could　not　control　the　wish　to　drop　balm　where　I　had　wounded。
“I　do　love　you；”　I　said；　“more　than　ever：　but　I　must　not　show　or　indulge　the　feeling：　and　this　is　the　last　time　I　must　express　it。”
“The　last　time；　Jane！　What！　do　you　think　you　can　live　with　me；　and　see　me　daily；　and　yet；　if　you　still　love　me；　be　always　cold　and　distant？”
“No；　sir；　that　I　am　certain　I　could　not；　and　therefore　I　see　there　is　but　one　way：　but　you　will　be　furious　if　I　mention　it。”
“Oh；　mention　it！　If　I　storm；　you　have　the　art　of　weeping。”
“Mr。　Rochester；　I　must　leave　you。”
“For　how　long；　Jane？　For　a　few　minutes；　while　you　smooth　your　hair—which　is　somewhat　dishevelled；　and　bathe　your　face—which　looks　feverish？”
“I　must　leave　Adèle　and　Thornfield。　I　must　part　with　you　for　my　whole　life：　I　must　begin　a　new　existence　among　strange　faces　and　strange　scenes。”
“Of　course：　I　told　you　you　should。　I　pass　over　the　madness　about　parting　from　me。　You　mean　you　must　bee　a　part　of　me。　As　to　the　new　existence；　it　is　all　right：　you　shall　yet　be　my　wife：　I　am　not　married。　You　shall　be　Mrs。　Rochester—both　virtually　and　nominally。　I　shall　keep　only　to　you　so　long　as　you　and　I　live。　You　shall　go　to　a　place　I　have　in　the　south　of　France：　a　whitewashed　villa　on　the　shores　of　the　Mediterranean。　There　you　shall　live　a　happy；　and　guarded；　and　most　innocent　life。　Never　fear　that　I　wish　to　lure　you　into　error—to　make　you　my　mistress。　Why　did　you　shake　your　head？　Jane；　you　must　be　reasonable；　or　in　truth　I　shall　again　bee　frantic。”
His　voice　and　hand　quivered：　his　large　nostrils　dilated；　his　eye　blazed：　still　I　dared　to　speak。
“Sir；　your　wife　is　living：　that　is　a　fact　acknowledged　this　morning　by　yourself。　If　I　lived　with　you　as　you　desire；　I　should　then　be　your　mistress：　to　say　otherwise　is　sophistical—is　false。”
“Jane；　I　am　not　a　gentle…tempered　man—you　forget　that：　I　am　not　long…enduring；　I　am　not　cool　and　dispassionate。　Out　of　pity　to　me　and　yourself；　put　your　finger　on　my　pulse；　feel　how　it　throbs；　and—　beware！”
He　bared　his　wrist；　and　offered　it　to　me：　the　blood　was　forsaking　his　cheek　and　lips；　they　were　growing　livid；　I　was　distressed　on　all　hands。　To　agitate　him　thus　deeply；　by　a　resistance　he　so　abhorred；　was　cruel：　to　yield　was　out　of　the　question。　I　did　what　human　beings　do　instinctively　when　they　are　driven　to　utter　extremity—　looked　for　aid　to　one　higher　than　man：　the　words　“God　help　me！”　burst　involuntarily　from　my　lips。
“I　am　a　fool！”　cried　Mr。　Rochester　suddenly。　“I　keep　telling　her　I　am　not　married；　and　do　not　explain　to　her　why。　I　forget　she　knows　nothing　of　the　character　of　that　woman；　or　of　the　circumstances　attending　my　infernal　union　with　her。　Oh；　I　am　certain　Jane　will　agree　with　me　in　opinion；　when　she　knows　all　that　I　know！　Just　put　your　hand　in　mine；　Ja—that　I　may　have　the　evidence　of　touch　as　well　as　sight；　to　prove　you　are　near　me—and　I　will　in　a　few　words　show　you　the　real　state　of　the　case。　Can　you　listen　to　me
“Yes；　sir；　for　hours　if　you　will。”
“I　ask　only　minutes。　Jane；　did　you　ever　hear　or　know　at　I　was　not　the　eldest　son　of　my　house：　that　I　had　once　a　brother　older　than　I？”
“I　remember　Mrs。　Fairfax　told　me　so　once。”
“And　did　you　ever　hear　that　my　father　was　an　avaricious；　grasping　man？”
“I　have　understood　something　to　that　effect。”
“Well；　Jane；　being　so；　it　was　his　resolution　to　keep　the　property　together；　he　could　not　bear　the　idea　of　dividing　his　estate　and　leaving　me　a　fair　portion：　all；　he　resolved；　should　go　to　my　brother；　Rowland。　Yet　as　little　could　he　endure　that　a　son　of　his　should　be　a　poor　man。　I　must　be　provided　for　by　a　wealthy　marriage。　He　sought　me　a　partner　betimes。　Mr。　Mason；　a　West　India　planter　and　merchant；　was　his　old　acquaintance。　He　was　certain　his　possessions　were　real　and　vast：　he　made　inquiries。　Mr。　Mason；　he　found；　had　a　son　and　daughter；　and　he　learned　from　him　that　he　could　and　would　give　the　latter　a　fortune　of　thirty　thousand　pounds：　that　sufficed。　When　I　left　college；　I　was　sent　out　to　Jamaica；　to　espouse　a　bride　already　courted　for　me。　My　father　said　nothing　about　her　money；　but　he　told　me　Miss　Mason　was　the　boast　of　Spanish　Town　for　her　beauty：　and　this　was　no　lie。　I　found　her　a　fine　woman；　in　the　style　of　Blanche　Ingram：　tall；　dark；　and　majestic。　Her　family　wished　to　secure　me　because　I　was　of　a　good　race；　and　so　did　she。　They　showed　her　to　me　in　parties；　splendidly　dressed。　I　seldom　saw　her　alone；　and　had　very　little　private　conversation　with　her。　She　flattered　me；　and　lavishly　displayed　for　my　pleasure　her　charms　and　acplishments。　All　the　men　in　her　circle　seemed　to　admire　her　and　envy　me。　I　was　dazzled；　stimulated：　my　senses　were　excited；　and　being　ignorant；　raw；　and　inexperienced；　I　thought　I　loved　her。　There　is　no　folly　so　besotted　that　the　idiotic　rivalries　of　society；　the　prurience；　the　rashness；　the　blindness　of　youth；　will　not　hurry　a　man　to　its　mission。　Her　relatives　encouraged　me；　petitors　piqued　me；　she　allured　me：　a　marriage　was　achieved　almost　before　I　knew　where　I　was。　Oh；　I　have　no　respect　for　myself　when　I　think　of　that　act！—an　agony　of　inward　contempt　masters　me。　I　never　loved；　I　never　esteemed；　I　did　not　even　know　her。　I　was　not　sure　of　the　existence　of　one　virtue　in　her　nature：　I　had　marked　neither　modesty；　nor　benevolence；　nor　candour；　nor　refinement　in　her　mind　or　manners—and；　I　married　her：…　gross；　grovelling；　mole…eyed　blockhead　that　I　was！　With　less　sin　I　might　have—But　let　me　remember　to　whom　I　am　speaking。”
“My　bride’s　mother　I　had　never　seen：　I　understood　she　was　dead。　The　honeymoon　over；　I　learned　my　mistake；　she　was　only　mad；　and　shut　up　in　a　lunatic　asylum。　There　was　a　younger　brother；　too—a　plete　dumb　idiot。　The　elder　one；　whom　you　have　seen　（and　whom　I　cannot　hate；　whilst　I　abhor　all　his　kindred；　because　he　has　some　grains　of　affection　in　his　feeble　mind；　shown　in　the　continued　interest　he　takes　in　his　wretched　sister；　and　also　in　a　dog…like　attachment　he　once　bore　me）；　will　probably　be　in　the　same　state　one　day。　My　father　and　my　brother　Rowland　knew　all　this；　but　they　thought　only　of　the　thirty　thousand　pounds；　and　joined　in　the　plot　against　me。”
“These　were　vile　discoveries；　but　except　for　the　treachery　of　concealment；　I　should　have　made　them　no　subject　of　reproach　to　my　wife；　even　when　I　found　her　nature　wholly　alien　to　mine；　her　tastes　obnoxious　to　me；　her　cast　of　mind　mon；　low；　narrow；　and　singularly　incapable　of　being　led　to　anything　higher；　expanded　to　anything　larger—when　I　found　that　I　could　not　pass　a　single　evening；　nor　even　a　single　hour　of　the　day　with　her　in　fort；　that　kindly　conversation　could　not　be　sustained　between　us；　because　whatever　topic