简爱(英文版)-第17部分

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ere　on　the　disc　of　the　clearest　pla；　and　eyes　like　Miss　Scatcherd’s　can　only　see　those　minute　defects；　and　are　blind　to　the　full　brightness　of　the　orb。
Chapter　8
Ere　the　half…hour　ended；　five　o’clock　struck；　school　was　dismissed；　and　all　were　gone　into　the　refectory　to　tea。　I　now　ventured　to　descend：　it　was　deep　dusk；　I　retired　into　a　corner　and　sat　down　on　the　floor。　The　spell　by　which　I　had　been　so　far　supported　began　to　dissolve；　reaction　took　place；　and　soon；　so　overwhelming　was　the　grief　that　seized　me；　I　sank　prostrate　with　my　face　to　the　ground。　Now　I　wept：　Helen　Burns　was　not　here；　nothing　sustained　me；　left　to　myself　I　abandoned　myself；　and　my　tears　watered　the　boards。　I　had　meant　to　be　so　good；　and　to　do　so　much　at　Lowood：　to　make　so　many　friends；　to　earn　respect　and　win　affection。　Already　I　had　made　visible　progress：　that　very　morning　I　had　reached　the　head　of　my　class；　Miss　Miller　had　praised　me　warmly；　Miss　Temple　had　smiled　approbation；　she　had　promised　to　teach　me　drawing；　and　to　let　me　learn　French；　if　I　continued　to　make　similar　improvement　two　months　longer：　and　then　I　was　well　received　by　my　fellow…pupils；　treated　as　an　equal　by　those　of　my　own　age；　and　not　molested　by　any；　now；　here　I　lay　again　crushed　and　trodden　on；　and　could　I　ever　rise　more？
“Never；”　I　thought；　and　ardently　I　wished　to　die。　While　sobbing　out　this　wish　in　broken　accents；　some　one　approached：　I　started　up—　again　Helen　Burns　was　near　me；　the　fading　fires　just　showed　her　ing　up　the　long；　vacant　room；　she　brought　my　coffee　and　bread。
“e；　eat　something；”　she　said；　but　I　put　both　away　from　me；　feeling　as　if　a　drop　or　a　crumb　would　have　choked　me　in　my　present　condition。　Helen　regarded　me；　probably　with　surprise：　I　could　not　now　abate　my　agitation；　though　I　tried　hard；　I　continued　to　weep　aloud。　She　sat　down　on　the　ground　near　me；　embraced　her　knees　with　her　arms；　and　rested　her　head　upon　them；　in　that　attitude　she　remained　silent　as　an　Indian。　I　was　the　first　who　spoke—
“Helen；　why　do　you　stay　with　a　girl　whom　everybody　believes　to　be　a　liar？”
“Everybody；　Jane？　Why；　there　are　only　eighty　people　who　have　heard　you　called　so；　and　the　world　contains　hundreds　of　millions。”
“But　what　have　I　to　do　with　millions？　The　eighty；　I　know；　despise　me。”
“Jane；　you　are　mistaken：　probably　not　one　in　the　school　either　despises　or　dislikes　you：　many；　I　am　sure；　pity　you　much。”
“How　can　they　pity　me　after　what　Mr。　Brocklehurst　has　said？”
“Mr。　Brocklehurst　is　not　a　god：　nor　is　he　even　a　great　and　admired　man：　he　is　little　liked　here；　he　never　took　steps　to　make　himself　liked。　Had　he　treated　you　as　an　especial　favourite；　you　would　have　found　enemies；　declared　or　covert；　all　around　you；　as　it　is；　the　greater　number　would　offer　you　sympathy　if　they　dared。　Teachers　and　pupils　may　look　coldly　on　you　for　a　day　or　two；　but　friendly　feelings　are　concealed　in　their　hearts；　and　if　you　persevere　in　doing　well；　these　feelings　will　ere　long　appear　so　much　the　more　evidently　for　their　temporary　suppression。　Besides；　Jane”—she　paused。
“Well；　Helen？”　said　I；　putting　my　hand　into　hers：　she　chafed　my　fingers　gently　to　warm　them；　and　went　on—
“If　all　the　world　hated　you；　and　believed　you　wicked；　while　your　own　conscience　approved　you；　and　absolved　you　from　guilt；　you　would　not　be　without　friends。”
“No；　I　know　I　should　think　well　of　myself；　but　that　is　not　enough：　if　others　don’t　love　me　I　would　rather　die　than　live—I　cannot　bear　to　be　solitary　and　hated；　Helen。　Look　here；　to　gain　some　real　affection　from　you；　or　Miss　Temple；　or　any　other　whom　I　truly　love；　I　would　willingly　submit　to　have　the　bone　of　my　arm　broken；　or　to　let　a　bull　toss　me；　or　to　stand　behind　a　kicking　horse；　and　let　it　dash　its　hoof　at　my　chest—”
“Hush；　Jane！　you　think　too　much　of　the　love　of　human　beings；　you　are　too　impulsive；　too　vehement；　the　sovereign　hand　that　created　your　frame；　and　put　life　into　it；　has　provided　you　with　other　resources　than　your　feeble　self；　or　than　creatures　feeble　as　you。　Besides　this　earth；　and　besides　the　race　of　men；　there　is　an　invisible　world　and　a　kingdom　of　spirits：　that　world　is　round　us；　for　it　is　everywhere；　and　those　spirits　watch　us；　for　they　are　missioned　to　guard　us；　and　if　we　were　dying　in　pain　and　shame；　if　scorn　smote　us　on　all　sides；　and　hatred　crushed　us；　angels　see　our　tortures；　recognise　our　innocence　（if　innocent　we　be：　as　I　know　you　are　of　this　charge　which　Mr。　Brocklehurst　has　weakly　and　pompously　repeated　at　second…hand　from　Mrs。　Reed；　for　I　read　a　sincere　nature　in　your　ardent　eyes　and　on　your　clear　front）；　and　God　waits　only　the　separation　of　spirit　from　flesh　to　crown　us　with　a　full　reward。　Why；　then；　should　we　ever　sink　overwhelmed　with　distress；　when　life　is　so　soon　over；　and　death　is　so　certain　an　entrance　to　happiness—　to　glory？”
I　was　silent；　Helen　had　calmed　me；　but　in　the　tranquillity　she　imparted　there　was　an　alloy　of　inexpressible　sadness。　I　felt　the　impression　of　woe　as　she　spoke；　but　I　could　not　tell　whence　it　came；　and　when；　having　done　speaking；　she　breathed　a　little　fast　and　coughed　a　short　cough；　I　momentarily　forgot　my　own　sorrows　to　yield　to　a　vague　concern　for　her。
Resting　my　head　on　Helen’s　shoulder；　I　put　my　arms　round　her　waist；　she　drew　me　to　her；　and　we　reposed　in　silence。　We　had　not　sat　long　thus；　when　another　person　came　in。　Some　heavy　clouds；　swept　from　the　sky　by　a　rising　wind；　had　left　the　moon　bare；　and　her　light；　streaming　in　through　a　window　near；　shone　full　both　on　us　and　on　the　approaching　figure；　which　we　at　once　recognised　as　Miss　Temple。
“I　came　on　purpose　to　find　you；　Jane　Eyre；”　said　she；　“I　want　you　in　my　room；　and　as　Helen　Burns　is　with　you；　she　may　e　too。”
We　went；　following　the　superintendent’s　guidance；　we　had　to　thread　some　intricate　passages；　and　mount　a　staircase　before　we　reached　her　apartment；　it　contained　a　good　fire；　and　looked　cheerful。　Miss　Temple　told　Helen　Burns　to　be　seated　in　a　low　arm…chair　on　one　side　of　the　hearth；　and　herself　taking　another；　she　called　me　to　her　side。
“Is　it　all　over？”　she　asked；　looking　down　at　my　face。　“Have　you　cried　your　grief　away？”
“I　am　afraid　I　never　shall　do　that。”
“Why？”
“Because　I　have　been　wrongly　accused；　and　you；　ma’am；　and　everybody　else；　will　now　think　me　wicked。”
“We　shall　think　you　what　you　prove　yourself　to　be；　my　child。　Continue　to　act　as　a　good　girl；　and　you　will　satisfy　us。”
“Shall　I；　Miss　Temple？”
“You　will；”　said　she；　passing　her　arm　round　me。　“And　now　tell　me　who　is　the　lady　whom　Mr。　Brocklehurst　called　your　benefactress？”
“Mrs。　Reed；　my　uncle’s　wife。　My　uncle　is　dead；　and　he　left　me　to　her　care。”
“Did　she　not；　then；　adopt　you　of　her　own　accord？”
“No；　ma’am；　she　was　sorry　to　have　to　do　it：　but　my　uncle；　as　I　have　often　heard　the　servants　say；　got　her　to　promise　before　he　died　that　she　would　always　keep　me。”
“Well　now；　Jane；　you　know；　or　at　least　I　will　tell　you；　that　when　a　criminal　is　accused；　he　is　always　allowed　to　speak　in　his　own　defence。　You　have　been　charged　with　falsehood；　defend　yourself　to　me　as　well　as　you　can。　Say　whatever　your　memory　suggests　is　true；　but　add　nothing　and　exaggerate　nothing。”
I　resolved；　in　the　depth　of　my　heart；　that　I　would　be　most　moderate—most　correct；　and；　having　reflected　a　few　minutes　in　order　to　arrange　coherently　what　I　had　to　say；　I　told　her　all　the　story　of　my　sad　childhood。　Exhausted　by　emotion；　my　language　was　more　subdued　than　it　generally　was　when　it　developed　that　sad　theme；　and　mindful　of　Helen’s　warnings　against　the　indulgence　of　resentment；　I　infused　into　the　narrative　far　less　of　gall　and　wormwood　than　ordinary。　Thus　restrained　and　simplified；　it　sounded　more　credible：　I　felt　as　I　went　on　that　Miss　Temple　fully　believed　me。
In　the　course　of　the　tale　I　had　mentioned　Mr。　Lloyd　as　having　e　to　see　me　after　the　fit：　for　I　never　forgot　the；　to　me；　frightful　episode　of　the　red…room：　in　detailing　which；　my　excitement　was　sure；　in　some　degree；　to　break　bounds；　for　nothing　could　soften　in　my　recollection　the　spasm　of　agony　which　clutched　my　heart　when　Mrs。　Reed　spurned　my　wild　supplication　for　pardon；　and　locked　me　a　second　time　in　the　dark　and　haunted　chamber。
I　had　finished：　Miss　Temple　regarded　me　a　few　minutes　in　silence；　she　then　said—
“I　know　something　of　Mr。　Lloyd；　I　shall　write　to　him；　if　his　reply　agrees　with　your　statement；　you　shall　be　publicly　cleared　from　every　imputation；　to　me；　Jane；　you　are　clear　now。”
She　kissed　me；　and　still　keeping　me　at　her　side　（where　I　was　well　contented　to　stand；　for　I　derived　a　child’s　pleasure　from　the　contemplation　of　her　face；　her　dress；　her　one　or　two　ornaments；　her　white　forehead；　her　clustered　and　shining　curls；　and　beaming　dark　eyes）；　she　proceeded　to　address　Helen　Burns。
“How　are　you　to…night；　Helen？　Have　you　coughed　much　to…day？”
“Not　quite　so　much；　I　think；　ma’am。”
“And　the　pain　in　your　chest？”
“It　is　a　little　better。”
Miss　Temple　got　up；　took　her　hand　and　examined　her　pulse；　then　she　returned　to　her　own　seat：　as　she　resumed　it；　I　heard　her　sigh　low。　She　was　pensive　a　few　minutes；　then　rousing　herself；　she　said　cheerfully—
“But　you　two　are　my　visitors　to…night；　I　must　treat　you　as　such。”　She　rang　her　bell。
“Barbara；”　she　said　to　the　servant　who　answered　it