简爱(英文版)-第109部分

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　a　question；　expecting　John’s　wife　to　answer　me；　and　your　voice　spoke　at　my　ear。”
“Because　I　had　e　in；　in　Mary’s　stead；　with　the　tray。”
“And　there　is　enchantment　in　the　very　hour　I　am　now　spending　with　you。　Who　can　tell　what　a　dark；　dreary；　hopeless　life　I　have　dragged　on　for　months　past？　Doing　nothing；　expecting　nothing；　merging　night　in　day；　feeling　but　the　sensation　of　cold　when　I　let　the　fire　go　out；　of　hunger　when　I　forgot　to　eat：　and　then　a　ceaseless　sorrow；　and；　at　times；　a　very　delirium　of　desire　to　behold　my　Jane　again。　Yes：　for　her　restoration　I　longed；　far　more　than　for　that　of　my　lost　sight。　How　can　it　be　that　Jane　is　with　me；　and　says　she　loves　me？　Will　she　not　depart　as　suddenly　as　she　came？　To…morrow；　I　fear　I　shall　find　her　no　more。”
A　monplace；　practical　reply；　out　of　the　train　of　his　own　disturbed　ideas；　was；　I　was　sure；　the　best　and　most　reassuring　for　him　in　this　frame　of　mind。　I　passed　my　finger　over　his　eyebrows；　and　remarked　that　they　were　scorched；　and　that　I　would　apply　something　which　would　make　them　grow　as　broad　and　black　as　ever。
“Where　is　the　use　of　doing　me　good　in　any　way；　beneficent　spirit；　when；　at　some　fatal　moment；　you　will　again　desert　me—passing　like　a　shadow；　whither　and　how　to　me　unknown；　and　for　me　remaining　afterwards　undiscoverable？
“Have　you　a　pocket…b　about　you；　sir？”
“What　for；　Jane？”
“Just　to　b　out　this　shaggy　black　mane。　I　find　you　rather　alarming；　when　I　examine　you　close　at　hand：　you　talk　of　my　being　a　fairy；　but　I　am　sure；　you　are　more　like　a　brownie。”
“Am　I　hideous；　Jane？”
“Very；　sir：　you　always　were；　you　know。”
“Humph！　The　wickedness　has　not　been　taken　out　of　you；　wherever　you　have　sojourned。”
“Yet　I　have　been　with　good　people；　far　better　than　you：　a　hundred　times　better　people；　possessed　of　ideas　and　views　you　never　entertained　in　your　life：　quite　more　refined　and　exalted。”
“Who　the　deuce　have　you　been　with？”
“If　you　twist　in　that　way　you　will　make　me　pull　the　hair　out　of　your　head；　and　then　I　think　you　will　cease　to　entertain　doubts　of　my　substantiality。”
“Who　have　you　been　with；　Jane？”
“You　shall　not　get　it　out　of　me　to…night；　sir；　you　must　wait　till　to…morrow；　to　leave　my　tale　half　told；　will；　you　know；　be　a　sort　of　security　that　I　shall　appear　at　your　breakfast　table　to　finish　it。　By　the　bye；　I　must　mind　not　to　rise　on　your　hearth　with　only　a　glass　of　water　then：　I　must　bring　an　egg　at　the　least；　to　say　nothing　of　fried　ham。”
“You　mocking　changeling—fairy…born　and　human…bred！　You　make　me　feel　as　I　have　not　felt　these　twelve　months。　If　Saul　could　have　had　you　for　his　David；　the　evil　spirit　would　have　been　exorcised　without　the　aid　of　the　harp。”
“There；　sir；　you　are　redd　up　and　made　decent。　Now　I’ll　leave　you：　I　have　been　travelling　these　last　three　days；　and　I　believe　I　am　tired。　Good　night。”
“Just　one　word；　Jane：　were　there　only　ladies　in　the　house　where　you　have　been？”
I　laughed　and　made　my　escape；　still　laughing　as　I　ran　upstairs。　“A　good　idea！”　I　thought　with　glee。　“I　see　I　have　the　means　of　fretting　him　out　of　his　melancholy　for　some　time　to　e。”
Very　early　the　next　morning　I　heard　him　up　and　astir；　wandering　from　one　room　to　another。　As　soon　as　Mary　came　doiss　Eyre　here？”　Then：　“Which　room　did　you　put　her　into？　Was　it　dry？　Is　she　up？　Go　and　ask　if　she　wants　anything；　and　when　she　will　e　down。”
I　came　down　as　soon　as　I　thought　there　was　a　prospect　of　breakfast。　Entering　the　room　very　softly；　I　had　a　view　of　him　before　he　discovered　my　presence。　It　was　mournful；　indeed；　to　witness　the　subjugation　of　that　vigorous　spirit　to　a　corporeal　infirmity。　He　sat　in　his　chair—still；　but　not　at　rest：　expectant　evidently；　the　lines　of　now　habitual　sadness　marking　his　strong　features。　His　countenance　reminded　one　of　a　lamp　quenched；　waiting　to　be　re…lit—　and　alas！　it　was　not　himself　that　could　now　kindle　the　lustre　of　animated　expression：　he　was　dependent　on　another　for　that　office！　I　had　meant　to　be　gay　and　careless；　but　the　powerlessness　of　the　strong　man　touched　my　heart　to　the　quick：　still　I　accosted　him　with　what　vivacity　I　could。
“It　is　a　bright；　sunny　morning；　sir；”　I　said。　“The　rain　is　over　and　gone；　and　there　is　a　tender　shining　after　it：　you　shall　have　a　walk　soon。”
I　had　wakened　the　glow：　his　features　beamed。
“Oh；　you　are　indeed　there；　my　skylark！　e　to　me。　You　are　not　gone：　not　vanished？　I　heard　one　of　your　kind　an　hour　ago；　singing　high　over　the　wood：　but　its　song　had　no　music　for　me；　any　more　than　the　rising　sun　had　rays。　All　the　melody　on　earth　is　concentrated　in　my　Jane’s　tongue　to　my　ear　（I　am　glad　it　is　not　naturally　a　silent　one）：　all　the　sunshine　I　can　feel　is　in　her　presence。”
The　water　stood　in　my　eyes　to　hear　this　avowal　of　his　dependence；　just　as　if　a　royal　eagle；　chained　to　a　perch；　should　be　forced　to　entreat　a　sparrow　to　bee　its　purveyor。　But　I　would　not　be　lachrymose：　I　dashed　off　the　salt　drops；　and　busied　myself　with　preparing　breakfast。
Most　of　the　morning　was　spent　in　the　open　air。　I　led　him　out　of　the　wet　and　wild　wood　into　some　cheerful　fields：　I　described　to　him　how　brilliantly　green　they　were；　how　the　flowers　and　hedges　looked　refreshed；　how　sparklingly　blue　was　the　sky。　I　sought　a　seat　for　him　in　a　hidden　and　lovely　spot；　a　dry　stump　of　a　tree；　nor　did　I　refuse　to　let　him；　when　seated；　place　me　on　his　knee。　Why　should　I；　when　both　he　and　I　were　happier　near　than　apart？　Pilot　lay　beside　us：　all　was　quiet。　He　broke　out　suddenly　while　clasping　me　in　his　arms—
“Cruel；　cruel　deserter！　Oh；　Jane；　what　did　I　feel　when　I　discovered　you　had　fled　from　Thornfield；　and　when　I　could　nowhere　find　you；　and；　after　examining　your　apartment；　ascertained　that　you　had　taken　no　money；　nor　anything　which　could　serve　as　an　equivalent！　A　pearl　necklace　I　had　given　you　lay　untouched　in　its　little　casket；　your　trunks　were　left　corded　and　locked　as　they　had　been　prepared　for　the　bridal　tour。　What　could　my　darling　do；　I　asked；　left　destitute　and　penniless？　And　what　did　she　do？　Let　me　hear　now。”
Thus　urged；　I　began　the　narrative　of　my　experience　for　the　last　year。　I　softened　considerably　what　related　to　the　three　days　of　wandering　and　starvation；　because　to　have　told　him　all　would　have　been　to　inflict　unnecessary　pain：　the　little　I　did　say　lacerated　his　faithful　heart　deeper　than　I　wished。
I　should　not　have　left　him　thus；　he　said；　without　any　means　of　making　my　way：　I　should　have　told　him　my　intention。　I　should　have　confided　in　him：　he　would　never　have　forced　me　to　be　his　mistress。　Violent　as　he　had　seemed　in　his　despair；　he；　in　truth；　loved　me　far　too　well　and　too　tenderly　to　constitute　himself　my　tyrant：　he　would　have　given　me　half　his　fortune；　without　demanding　so　much　as　a　kiss　in　return；　rather　than　I　should　have　flung　myself　friendless　on　the　wide　world。　I　had　endured；　he　was　certain；　more　than　I　had　confessed　to　him。
“Well；　whatever　my　sufferings　had　been；　they　were　very　short；”　I　answered：　and　then　I　proceeded　to　tell　him　how　I　had　been　received　at　Moor　House；　how　I　had　obtained　the　office　of　schoolmistress；　&c。　The　accession　of　fortune；　the　discovery　of　my　relations；　followed　in　due　order。　Of　course；　St。　John　Rivers’　name　came　in　frequently　in　the　progress　of　my　tale。　When　I　had　done；　that　name　was　immediately　taken　up。
“This　St。　John；　then；　is　your　cousin？”
“Yes。”
“You　have　spoken　of　him　often：　do　you　like　him？”
“He　was　a　very　good　man；　sir；　I　could　not　help　liking　him。”
“A　good　man。　Does　that　mean　a　respectable　well…conducted　man　of　fifty？　Or　what　does　it　mean？”
“St　John　was　only　twenty…nine；　sir。”
“‘Jeune　encore；’　as　the　French　say。　Is　he　a　person　of　low　stature；　phlegmatic；　and　plain。　A　person　whose　goodness　consists　rather　in　his　guiltlessness　of　vice；　than　in　his　prowess　in　virtue。”
“He　is　untiringly　active。　Great　and　exalted　deeds　are　what　he　lives　to　perform。”
“But　his　brain？　That　is　probably　rather　soft？　He　means　well：　but　you　shrug　your　shoulders　to　hear　him　talk？”
“He　talks　little；　sir：　what　he　does　say　is　ever　to　the　point。　His　brain　is　first…rate；　I　should　think　not　impressible；　but　vigorous。”
“Is　he　an　able　man；　then？”
“Truly　able。”
“A　thoroughly　educated　man？”
“St。　John　is　an　acplished　and　profound　scholar。”
“His　manners；　I　think；　you　said　are　not　to　your　taste？—priggish　and　parsonic？”
“I　never　mentioned　his　manners；　but；　unless　I　had　a　very　bad　taste；　they　must　suit　it；　they　are　polished；　calm；　and　gentlemanlike。”
“His　appearance；—I　forget　what　description　you　gave　of　his　appearance；—a　sort　of　raw　curate；　half　strangled　with　his　white　neckcloth；　and　stilted　up　on　his　thick…soled　high…lows；　eh？”
“St。　John　dresses　well。　He　is　a　handsome　man：　tall；　fair；　with　blue　eyes；　and　a　Grecian　profile。”
（Aside。）　“Damn　him！”—（To　me。）　“Did　you　like　him；　Jane？”
“Yes；　Mr。　Rochester；　I　liked　him：　but　you　asked　me　that　before。”
I　perceived；　of　course；　the　drift　of　my　interlocutor。　Jealousy　had　got　hold　of　him：　she　stung　him；　but　the　sting　was　salutary：　it　gave　him　respite　from　the　gnawing　fang　of　melancholy。　I　would　not；　therefore；　immediately　charm　the　snake。
“Perhaps　you　would　rather　not　sit　any　longer　on　my　knee；　Miss　Eyre？”　was　the　next　somewhat　unexpected　observation。
“Why　not；　Mr。　Rochester？”
“The　picture　you　h